DesertEyes/Mike, thank you for your post above. All I had to do was insert a few text changes and it laid out step one so nicely for me in a way I hadn't thought of before.
You write that you were "wrapped up in dealing with the consequences" of your wife's addiction; I was wrapped up in dealing with the consequences of his anger and his mental illness, trying to get him to change/stop screaming and yelling/find a doctor/find medication to control his illness/make friends/get a better job/BE NORMAL. And I was making myself angry and crazy and becoming somebody I hated. Somebody who was so angry every second of the day that I could barely even parent my children.
I hate having to acknowledge that my attempts to control were actually what was making me angry. HE wasn't doing it, he was just living his life. I was the one with the control over how I reacted to it and what I did was try to control everything about him, then blame him for my anger when he didn't change.
I am the cause of my anger. I am responsible for my own feelings. I need to forgive him and move on, forgive myself and move on, learn how not to control so that I don't ever need to be that needlessly angry again.