My thoughts about him are way less..... but they are also different. If I start to *think* about what he is doing or is up to.... I make myself change my mind up. Thoughts of our past creep in, too - and I will push them away (or try very hard to, at least). I am literally treating this as he is my DOC.
Coloring my hair black - that was helpful too, because every time I look in the mirror, I am "different" on the outside too. And the black symbolizes mourning.
I am paying close attention to the sensations of my body. I remember how those sensations were during our hardest times..... and the only time they come back is when I remember those times - so I try not to think about it.
The difference of not having to worry, not having fear, not questioning myself, and living in authenticity - it feels like the biggest breath of fresh air! The fog has been lifted!!!!
I'm telling you though - I wouldn't be able to do it - if I hadn't so vigorously put in the no-contact. Using my cell carrier to block his number..... and blocking his emails. *It stops me from contacting him, too!!!! *wink*!
That last bit of contact - those horrible feelings all came flooding back. How I re-act towards him and the choices he makes - how he is *at times - goes against every fiber in my body ..... and my body lets me know!
Anyway ..... YES - it feels wonderful not having to walk on egg shells any longer. It's wonderful living in courage rather than fear!!
BTW - got an email back from his mom........ that *tenant* thing was not offensive, at least I don't think she thought so - just from her reply. She gave me the news of the family, but mentioned nothing of her son. As soon as I saw an email from her - it was the first I opened. LOL - heart racing....nervous, but also hoping that she does mention something about him, but then SO grateful she didn't!
aaaaaaah .... time will heal...... whenever I'm feeling funny - I'm going to watch that video from MADEA! lol AND come to SR
PS..... People have randomly told me how much better I look! That I LOOK much more relaxed... my eyes are brighter ... I have a 'lighter' look to me.
Folks - literally, I'll be going through the motions of my day, and then I'll *pretend* if he was here still - just to see if there is a difference ....... and OMG... everything in me just switches....... then I jump out of that mode- and I'm so grateful that I am where I am right now!