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No Contact going strong..

Old 08-29-2009, 12:36 AM
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No Contact going strong..

Hi ya...

It's coming up on a month with no-contact. He has tried to contact me via using multi media messages ...i.e video / pic messaging.

But the Universe is pretty amazing!

A few days after I put the NC in place..... I got a new cell phone/upgrade! Now, I have him blocked, but when he would send me a Media Msg - it would tell me- but I was not able to open it! I would try - don't get me wrong - I'm not that strong!!!! lol Anywho - it would time out and say the message was no longer available or had expired. Well... he tried it from a different address.... and it STILL was not going through. I thought OMG... I have one helluva smart phone- lol j/k - Anywho - I called up my plan and it turns out I got a lemon for my new phone! I'm in the 30 day contract for a new one. The guy did say that Verizon is working on the glitch/work around for blocked numbers. I could possibly just block multi messages when I get the new phone..... until they have it fixed.

Anywho - that is the only form of contact thus far .... text messages. No snail mail, phone calls or emails. Typically they come through right around the time that bars are closing on his coast.

His mom sent me an email today just checking in and asking if the boys have started school. It was good to hear from her - because I've been thinking about her. I wrote back and gave her the updates, didn't mention my *x*'s name. OH no.... I wrote about the deal with my house and how the bank wants the last 2 month bank statements and i told her that I was concerned about it "because these statements won't show the *tenant income*" ............. UGH. I hope she doesn't take that the wrong way.

:::::changing mind up quick:::::

Tomorrow is the boys and I's big festival trip! Mraz > Black Eyed Peas > Dave Matthews Band!

THEN........ mid week I go for my annual trip to the Gorge for a DMB festival!

......................

Anywho - I truly do not feel I would be this far along if I were staying in touch with my *x*..... I send him my love and metta....... But then, I'll also have conversations with myself when I'm feeling angry about things..... but then the anger doesn't last long- thank goodness!

This CBT is helping tremendously, as well!!!!! \



Peace and Love xxox
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:21 AM
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Hey Abd - I am so glad you are doing good. I remember us both so far "in the mix" last summer.... seems like we have come a long way! You a little more than me but I am right behind you I promise .
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Old 08-29-2009, 02:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Abundance View Post

Tomorrow is the boys and I's big festival trip! Mraz > Black Eyed Peas > Dave Matthews Band!

THEN........ mid week I go for my annual trip to the Gorge for a DMB festival!
Have a great time!!!!

Anywho - I truly do not feel I would be this far along if I were staying in touch with my *x*.....
I think you're totally right on this.....staying in touch would bring the drama/roller coaster back - and you seem to be having far too much fun for that kind of drama!! Big hugs for you!! I'm sooooo glad to see you moving on with your life!!
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Old 08-29-2009, 06:29 AM
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Abs - I am so glad you're doing better. I can see myself somewhat as entertwined with your xabf as I would be my H if/when the time comes. Even when he lived with his mom last year we still talked 3-10x a day. I see that now how involved we become in every miniscule part of their lives. Don't get me wrong, some of those contacts were genuinely wondering how things were, but many of them were are you, you should, have you type calls initiated on my part.

I am glad you're cutting the ties. Do you find that you're thinking about him less? Do you find that your day is filled with much less stress because you're not worrying about him or what he's doing? Glad to hear you're doing better.
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Old 08-29-2009, 09:59 AM
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My thoughts about him are way less..... but they are also different. If I start to *think* about what he is doing or is up to.... I make myself change my mind up. Thoughts of our past creep in, too - and I will push them away (or try very hard to, at least). I am literally treating this as he is my DOC.

Coloring my hair black - that was helpful too, because every time I look in the mirror, I am "different" on the outside too. And the black symbolizes mourning.

I am paying close attention to the sensations of my body. I remember how those sensations were during our hardest times..... and the only time they come back is when I remember those times - so I try not to think about it.

The difference of not having to worry, not having fear, not questioning myself, and living in authenticity - it feels like the biggest breath of fresh air! The fog has been lifted!!!!

I'm telling you though - I wouldn't be able to do it - if I hadn't so vigorously put in the no-contact. Using my cell carrier to block his number..... and blocking his emails. *It stops me from contacting him, too!!!! *wink*!

That last bit of contact - those horrible feelings all came flooding back. How I re-act towards him and the choices he makes - how he is *at times - goes against every fiber in my body ..... and my body lets me know!

Anyway ..... YES - it feels wonderful not having to walk on egg shells any longer. It's wonderful living in courage rather than fear!!

BTW - got an email back from his mom........ that *tenant* thing was not offensive, at least I don't think she thought so - just from her reply. She gave me the news of the family, but mentioned nothing of her son. As soon as I saw an email from her - it was the first I opened. LOL - heart racing....nervous, but also hoping that she does mention something about him, but then SO grateful she didn't!

aaaaaaah .... time will heal...... whenever I'm feeling funny - I'm going to watch that video from MADEA! lol AND come to SR

PS..... People have randomly told me how much better I look! That I LOOK much more relaxed... my eyes are brighter ... I have a 'lighter' look to me.

Folks - literally, I'll be going through the motions of my day, and then I'll *pretend* if he was here still - just to see if there is a difference ....... and OMG... everything in me just switches....... then I jump out of that mode- and I'm so grateful that I am where I am right now!
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Old 09-18-2009, 06:27 PM
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OMG... I feel so flipping bi-polar.

I spoke with his dad yesterday because my brother is having the same surgery that he just had 6 months ago. I guess it was also a great excuse to feel closer to him... idk. I did get some useful information for my brother - so that is good.

My x has not changed the address for his mail - because all of his bank statements are coming here. I've got 3 months worth and why I'm not sending them I do not know. Probably because he can just get them online.... it's obviously not an issue for him because he would have changed it by now. Anywho - today 2 cards - guessing atm/cc from the bank came for him. I figured now was the time to just throw it all in an envelope and post it to him.

I called his folks and his dad answered and confirmed that he is there and I can mail the cards to their address. OMG - my heart was in my throat when he said they were eating dinner. That meant that there was a good chance he was in the room hearing the call. This was an hour ago - and I have mailed the cards. I hope he sorts out the addresses soon as I don't want to be held responsible. I did a confirmation request so that I know he gets it.

UGH... my gosh ... I'm just filled with so much anxiety. What is this? Is this LOVE? Every single bloody good thing about him and us has just risen to the top and I am missing him so much. It's been 3 months.... why in the heck am I still feeling this way? And it' been 6 weeks of no contact!

I don't want to be angry to get over him..... but I feel the only way I can be right now is to force myself to think bad thoughts. I.E. - he isn't thinking about me and what he has done that got him to the point of losing me! Instead, he probably is thinking..... what am I going to do with my life, i've done everything i want, life is not worth living, boo hoo i'm back at my parent's house........ essentially just feeling sorry for himself. I don't like thinking those things, but it's probably the way it is. he's not giving me a single thought unless it's negatives like... I can't believe she took 3 months to mail me my mail! OR she hardly checks the mail.

Do I need to cut off all contact even with his family, too? Maybe I do, because it's just another avenue back to him and I'm still hurting BADLY.... I'm still mourning the loss.... I'm still crying over him and what I thought we had.

My dad's advice to me today was to just find another boyfriend. HA! Yeah right! He said the best way he got over a woman was finding a new one...... well NO THANK YOU. I can't even think about that right now... I'm totally devastated over him still, obviously.

An old friend of mine is losing her husband right now literally - is in hospice wasting away - to cancer. They are my age group. It's SO sad. It certainly puts many things into perspective. Here she is losing the love of her life to something that is NOT beatable. Meanwhile, I am mourning a loss over something that was TOTALLY beatable. I'm mourning over a man who CHOSE to cheat on me. Who CHOSE ritalin to the max over me! :wtf2 How is that I can shed all of these tears and miss him and the love we shared when more than likely our relationship was just a lie.

I'm rambling... and crying..... and my head won't leave my head alone. I feel like I want him to know just how badly he has hurt me..... I want him to know the damage he has done! But I know that it's me that has the work to do on myself because I must question myself as to why I even put with half of it!

I don't want to ever .... EVER .... feel like this again. I don't want anyone to hurt me this way again.

I wish I could just -check out -! I can see why codies have a good chance of being addicts..... because this pain is surreal. I just want it to STOP!

Boys are going with their father this weekend.... my gorge buddy is coming over tonight and hopefully we'll go out. I can not be alone this weekend...

God... I can't even bring myself to re-read this because I probably sound so bloody pathetic.
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Old 09-18-2009, 06:52 PM
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Awwww Abs.. I'm so sorry this has triggered you.

This is what it is... a trigger response.

Just as you said above... he is your DOC and any triggers associated with him need to be recognized and worked through.

Like you said to me, you are still grieving and this response you are having is normal.

BREATHE, JUST BREATHE. This too shall pass.

What would anyone is recovery do when experiencing a trigger? Reach out, get support, don't be alone, reach out some more, talk about it with your sponsor (if you have one), keep busy, etc., etc.

As you know... we're always here for ya.
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Old 09-18-2009, 06:58 PM
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hey ADb...your post brought a tear to my eye. I totally get it, feel for you, I am feeling so many of the same things. Then I get bursts of good spirit and strength. Heck Iíve gotten them from your posts in fact! Sorry your at a down point. In my work people have "setbacks" all the time. My job os to reassure them that they will happen. It's the par for the course. Our goal is to make the time between them get larger and larger and the intensity of them when they happen lower and lower. For the most part I think you are doing that quite well.

Addiction or not it is hard to lose someone you cared for, had. Especially when it seems like the demise of it all was not necessary. That they could have just done x, y, and z and it would have been fine. I donít believe all of what we had (you and I with our significant others) was a lie. Some of it maybe, but there had to be some base of reality there. I have said it before I just need to believe they cared the very best they could but that their best just was not good enough. Sady they are sick, incapable at least at the moment of functioning in a way that we need, in a healthy way. It is heartbreaking though and for me out of mind is the only peace,

I think in time you will be able to talk with his family and not get the flood of emotions. I think this will pass quicker than you think at this moment. You are so far along in your recovery . You get a HUGEhug from me at this very momentÖcan you feel it?
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Old 09-18-2009, 07:09 PM
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sorry you are hurting. i HAD to go no contact with my in laws. it was too painful talking to them knowing that he was right there with them. now before i call then for anything, i have to check my motives to see if there is a legitimate need to call or am i making excuses to call, hoping to hear some info about my ah.

i figure the least i know about him the better it is for me. i can form my own opinion as to how he's doing and try to work through my feelings based what i think i know. i figure if things somehow changes with him, my hp and time will let me know somehow.

btw, what is gorge?
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Old 09-18-2009, 07:22 PM
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I think she is talking about the (Columbia?) River Gorge in OR. It is a huge windsurfing and water recreation area with tremendous waterfalls. A spectacular area...if that is what she is talking about.
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Old 09-18-2009, 08:44 PM
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Since you like Madea... in one of the movies the girl said her grandma always said
the best way to get over a guy was to get under another one...

Just trying to make you laugh.... LOL... I wasn't ready for that either... I'm sorry your hurting. One day at a time is all we can do when grieving for our loss to this senseless disease. Do little things to take care of YOU.... YOU are worth it! Hope you feel just a little better tomorrow! (((HUGS))))
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Old 09-18-2009, 10:08 PM
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aaaaaaaaaw thanks you guys...... I don't know what I'd do without this place.

I think that today was a trigger and it was building and building. 2 days ago I sent his dad an email asking advice about the aortic surgery - and instead of emailing me back, he called me right away. We spoke for a few minutes - he had to get off the phone- he rang back hours later and left a v/m..... I then called him back yesterday and we spoke for about half an hour. NOTHING about my x came up.... so I felt pretty okay, actually.

But when I saw those cards come in today - I knew to get them out to him because it's the right thing to do. In the future; however, I'm going to just put his folks address on all mail and have it fwded. *I think I can do that. SO - knowing I had his mail and then thinking - do I write a note, do I not write a note, do I call his folks to see where to send it, do I just send it.... ALL that energy and thinking just triggered so many emotions. I wrote a post it saying that I hope this found him well and that I figured he would need these cards. I genuinely do hope he is well... I wish no harm or ill towards him. Maybe it was THAT.... me making some form of contact? I don't know... but it just sucks that I'm feeling so similar to how I felt when he was rejecting me and not paying me attention (when we were together). When he was so closed off and not letting me or anyone in for that matter. He would fake it with his friends on the phone WHEN he would get on the phone or have contact. Which then would spin me because I didn't know what was the *real him*?!?

When his father said.... "Yes... be sure to send ALL banking mail".... I knew then that my x had obviously been complaining that I hadn't fwded his mail yet - and so that totally made me feel like crap. Like all of a sudden I'm the bad person.

I'm SO dang glad that I have no contact in place, and that he is 3 time zones away from me. I couldn't cope if I ran into him... saw his car or anything. The thoughts in my head that can come up are bad enough.

Exhale.... this is a bit of a set back, but I know I will pull through this. I really don't want to go angry, while it doesn't last long with me, it is so toxic for my being. I don't want to be a victim, I hold myself accountable for my part in it. I could have at any point said... "enough"..... and it was my choice to stay in the boxing ring. He would knock me down, and I'd brush myself off (after freaking out).. and get up and do it all again. Seriously - that cute little red head is what did me in. My pride will not let me be with him knowing that he did that. Drugs or not. Especially when we were hardly having sex... and it wasn't because I didn't want to. I can't think about it... it just winds me up and then I will get angry. I feel that if I get angry I go back even further.

Anywho - I feel the hugs ... I feel the love..... thank you again all so much for being there for me to vent and cry and rationalize and work it out.

IPT/Teke - yep the Gorge is on the Columbia River.... it's my annual getaway place, but it's for 3 nights of Dave Matthews Band! We do appreciate the scenery immensely! It's Heaven's amphitheater!

I just got home from tcob re: my boys and football and getting them to their fathers. My girl should be here pretty soon - so I have to pull myself together so that we can have a good night. It's only here that I really can show my real emotions because quite frankly, all my IRL friends have heard enough. Also, being that I'm in recovery, I speak a different language.

Oh... and yeah... I like that line about getting over someone is getting under another one! Trouble is...... they all fall in love with me when that happens! LOL j/k ...... sorta

aaaaah I laughed... very kewl!

Thanks again!!

Peace xoxoxo
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Old 09-18-2009, 10:54 PM
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Actually, you don't have to 'forward' his mail. On each envelope write:

"NO LONGER AT THIS ADDRESS, RETURN TO SENDER."

Eventually, when he doesn't get his mail, you are NOT a forwarding service, he will take the time to go to the 'important' places (ie bank) and change his address.

The Post Office is very obliging about returning mail to the sender.

One less reason for you to have any contact, even through his parents.

It is not your fault that he has been too lazy, to put in a change of address.

J M H O

Love and hug,
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Old 09-18-2009, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Abundance View Post
Oh... and yeah... I like that line about getting over someone is getting under another one! Trouble is...... they all fall in love with me when that happens! LOL j/k ...... sorta
ha, you know what they say about things said in jest....

you rock ABD...glad that you laughed.
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Old 09-19-2009, 06:11 AM
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Abs -

Don't know how I missed all of this so I'm chimming in way late. I really understand all of this and I'm sorry that you got triggered. It sucks. It's an opportunity to take a look and put more boundaries in place though. There are other people to get information from about life issues so at least not contacting his family is do-able.

Have a great time at the gorge and enjoy all of the music! This too shall pass - stay in the CBT arena and it will help you get there. All of those stirred up feelings are yucky I know........step one.....powerlessness and unmanageability....what needs to happen and what needs to change? Good stuff in that step.

You're doing it girl.....progress not perfection. No contact is hard but in the long run it is what quells the pain.

Have fun with the music!!!!!
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Old 09-19-2009, 12:43 PM
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Laurie- I guess my motivation for now putting the fwding address is so that he knows I am taking some form of action. It makes me feel better about myself and eventually he will change the address.... either way I have to print something on the envelopes.... I just feel most at peace with myself doing it this way.

Donna... thanks chica. Actually - this is an old thread that I bumped before I went on my trip to the Bay and the Gorge. However, I did have a fabulous time seeing the greatest band in the entire world (imo).

Well, I'm feeling better today... in fact, when my friend came over we laughed until we cried..... so I was feeling better last night. WOW - that was some trigger. I'm sure my dear friend who is losing her husband to cancer is playing a role, as well. Oh... also, we didn't talk about my ex except for this one time where she made a comment about something that happened when he was massively high on ritalin.... and he obviously didn't know he was acting so obviously tweaked! It's sad.... I didn't know about it at the time, either. It was just her own observation. Sigh

Anywho - so, in keeping with how the bouts of sadness and being stuck in denial are lessening and moving farther apart in time... I'd say that was 7 hours! I also have the ability to start today and KNOW that I have made the choice to go my own way and NOT have to suffer those negative/hurtful feelings I had while in my relationship ....

BTW... the book that IPT has been talking about- I looked into it and here is a really good site.

Getting Past Your Past

This can be maddening, but it is necessary to review the relationship in order to work through it and be over it. Thinking about them constantly does not mean that you canít get over it, it means that you are getting over it. While it can be crazy-making, the constant rumination is about letting go, not holding on. Yes it will drive you crazy but just know that the healing process DEMANDS that you play the movie in your head over and over again to sift through the ruins. To cry about the good times, to get angry (again) about the bad times, to wonder where it all went wrong. Yes, this phase is HARD and it HURTS but its necessary.

Last edited by Abundance; 09-19-2009 at 01:08 PM.
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Old 09-19-2009, 04:15 PM
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HEY ABDs - glad you are in better spirits! Is that quote from GPYP (getting past your past)? It is a great site isn't it? Her book was really good too. Good for you in finding power in forwarding his mail. We can have control and power in what we do. Have a GREAT day my friend .
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