Hi Ellie, welcome to SR. I too could have written your story several yrs ago (w/o the cancer glad you conquered that!). The only thing you can do is stop completely. I didn't drink every day but when I did 99% of the time is was all or nothing and I'd black out and not remember a thing. Just about every Sunday I'd swear I would stop drinking then by Tuesday or Wednesday I'd buy a bottle of wine. Then my daughter grew up moved out on her own I was lonely, I was bored, I drank...it just kept getting worse and more often. I had no idea who/what Judy was w/o my wine. AA is not the only way, it wasn't for me, however, the AA book was the best book I ever read and I read it over and over; and following the 12 steps has led me to living a life that I am proud of and that I love.