Disgusted in myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
Disgusted in myself
Hello to all. I am brand new to this site. I've known for quite a while that I have had a major issue with alcohol but not sure what to do about it. I live in a relatively small town so I don't want to go to meetings here for fear of seeing people I know. I do know I want to stop drinking.
I binge drink once or twice weekly (sometimes more). I'm not a round the clock drinker, but will drink very heavily when I do. I never intend to do this. I always think I will stop myself but most times I drink to oblivion- I usually black out-then I wake the next day to panic attacks, shaking, and what I call "the guilts".
It's ironic because I have so much anxiety attached to my health. I've been drinking since I was 17 (I'm 35 now) and it's just getting worse. I developed cervical cancer and was successfully treated for it 3 years ago. That is part of my trigger for anxiety about my health.
Because of the cancer I quit smoking but then, when really drunk one night I had a puff and now I smoke only when I drink. So after a night of heavy drinking I worry incessantly about getting cancer again, among other random worries.
I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to stop. I really want to make an honest effort to stop this insanity before it really is too late. The thing is I usually do have this fresh resolve after a night of alcohol, but then three or four days later I figure I can indulge responsibly and usually I overdo it and make a fool of myself (last night my stepson got to watch me crawl up the stairs to bed, not that I remember this).
I know I have a reputation of being a boozehound. I don't want people to think this way about me anymore. I'm being unfair to my family and myself. I think I may be afraid of a life without alcohol, like I can't have fun without it.
Any advice and encouraging words will be most welcomed by me. I'm glad I found this site and look forward to meeting others here who can understand the pain I'm in.
I binge drink once or twice weekly (sometimes more). I'm not a round the clock drinker, but will drink very heavily when I do. I never intend to do this. I always think I will stop myself but most times I drink to oblivion- I usually black out-then I wake the next day to panic attacks, shaking, and what I call "the guilts".
It's ironic because I have so much anxiety attached to my health. I've been drinking since I was 17 (I'm 35 now) and it's just getting worse. I developed cervical cancer and was successfully treated for it 3 years ago. That is part of my trigger for anxiety about my health.
Because of the cancer I quit smoking but then, when really drunk one night I had a puff and now I smoke only when I drink. So after a night of heavy drinking I worry incessantly about getting cancer again, among other random worries.
I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to stop. I really want to make an honest effort to stop this insanity before it really is too late. The thing is I usually do have this fresh resolve after a night of alcohol, but then three or four days later I figure I can indulge responsibly and usually I overdo it and make a fool of myself (last night my stepson got to watch me crawl up the stairs to bed, not that I remember this).
I know I have a reputation of being a boozehound. I don't want people to think this way about me anymore. I'm being unfair to my family and myself. I think I may be afraid of a life without alcohol, like I can't have fun without it.
Any advice and encouraging words will be most welcomed by me. I'm glad I found this site and look forward to meeting others here who can understand the pain I'm in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Ellie,
You never have to feel this way again.
It sounds like you really want to quit, but you keep drinking instead. You can keep trying that and see if gets better, or you can do what many others before you have done when they found themselves in the same boat.
I spent a few years trying everything else to quit, and my drinking just got worse and worse. And I kept feeling more and more disgusted with myself.
When I was finally beaten down to the point of utter hopelessness and desperation, I didn't care who saw me at what meeting. I asked someone who had recovered to help me take AA's 12 steps.
Within a few months, I too, had recovered. I still had (and have) a lot more growing to do, but I knew the problem had been solved.
And I never had to feel like that again.
You never have to feel this way again.
It sounds like you really want to quit, but you keep drinking instead. You can keep trying that and see if gets better, or you can do what many others before you have done when they found themselves in the same boat.
I spent a few years trying everything else to quit, and my drinking just got worse and worse. And I kept feeling more and more disgusted with myself.
When I was finally beaten down to the point of utter hopelessness and desperation, I didn't care who saw me at what meeting. I asked someone who had recovered to help me take AA's 12 steps.
Within a few months, I too, had recovered. I still had (and have) a lot more growing to do, but I knew the problem had been solved.
And I never had to feel like that again.
grateful to be here
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 426
ellie im a binge drinker too. glad you found this site -- it's a wonderful place for help and support. sounds like you need some of both. please keep reading posts and look back into older posts and the stickies at the top of threads. there's a ton of good information here on the site. and there is a chat room too if you look at the toolbar at the top. keep posting~and welcome!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Ellie,
Welcome (from a fellow-Canadian)!
I also had some health issues before I began drinking. The anxiety I was experiencing was part of the reason I began to drink. Of course, when I was not drinking, the worry of what I was doing to myself physically, would soon lead me back to the wine. It was a horrible vicious circle and I was miserable.
What I can tell you is that your life will be better without alcohol. None of us have any guarantees regarding our health, and this is something that was hard for me to accept, as I was a control-freak. I had to learn to let go of the concerns and know that I was doing everything I possibly could for my health.
I'm glad you found us!
Welcome (from a fellow-Canadian)!
I also had some health issues before I began drinking. The anxiety I was experiencing was part of the reason I began to drink. Of course, when I was not drinking, the worry of what I was doing to myself physically, would soon lead me back to the wine. It was a horrible vicious circle and I was miserable.
What I can tell you is that your life will be better without alcohol. None of us have any guarantees regarding our health, and this is something that was hard for me to accept, as I was a control-freak. I had to learn to let go of the concerns and know that I was doing everything I possibly could for my health.
I'm glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: london
Posts: 35
you are worth it
hello ellie, welcome to SR, you have come to the right place, there are so ,many people here with great sobriety whom want to help you. i can really relate to how much pain and despair you are feeling right now, because when i first came to SR seven months ago i was on my knees because of my alcoholism, mentally and physically i could take no more, i was emotionally drained. i did not for one second think i could quit drinking as towards the end i was drinking myself into blackout on a daily basis, but i was desperate so i hung around and listened, i made an effort to reply to posts and actually take advice for once! which wasnt always easy for someone as stubborn and undisciplined as me. i know you say you dont want to go to aa for fear of seeing someone you know, i too felt that way, but in the end everyone in my town saw me staggering the streets drunk , so i figured that i had nothing to lose by being seen sober in an aa meeting! at least people would know i was serious about tackling my problem.believe me ellie life does get better once you put the drink down, you may not think that now, i too felt that way, and at first it is difficult , i would be lying if i said it wasnt, but after a few months it becomes a way of life. all you need is an open mind and willingness. i wish you well , you are in my thoughts, be strong , give yourself a chance you deserve it. you fought cancer , you can fight this. x
Custom User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: SC
Posts: 21
It's not goin' to stop / till you wise up
That's a Aimee Mann lyric (Magnolia, anyone?) I've always quoted to myself in the past couple years, as I've fretted and agonized weekly about my abuse. As I've had anxiety after 3, 4, and 7 day benders. My alcoholism is very similar to yours. My drinking and the subsequent anxiety, worrying about cancer, lack of ambition, and sheer insanity have only gotten worse as I've continued.
Sometimes I think some of us need some tough love. Some unadulterated truth. I still feel like having someone who loves me beat the hell out of me while telling me how much time and money and personal capital I've wasted in the past decade alone.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I for one have been insane for a while now. I have to have peace of mind now. I can't take it anymore. If we keep letting the alcohol decide our fates, its only getting worse, and there will be no peace as it steers our course. YOU HAVE TO STOP. Or you'll continue feeling this way.
That's a Aimee Mann lyric (Magnolia, anyone?) I've always quoted to myself in the past couple years, as I've fretted and agonized weekly about my abuse. As I've had anxiety after 3, 4, and 7 day benders. My alcoholism is very similar to yours. My drinking and the subsequent anxiety, worrying about cancer, lack of ambition, and sheer insanity have only gotten worse as I've continued.
Sometimes I think some of us need some tough love. Some unadulterated truth. I still feel like having someone who loves me beat the hell out of me while telling me how much time and money and personal capital I've wasted in the past decade alone.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I for one have been insane for a while now. I have to have peace of mind now. I can't take it anymore. If we keep letting the alcohol decide our fates, its only getting worse, and there will be no peace as it steers our course. YOU HAVE TO STOP. Or you'll continue feeling this way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
In the past two years I was able to remain sober continuously for one month..that was it. Usually it's once a week that I will get smashed. It's like I have to do it or something. I do remember the one month that I did stay sober and I was really beginning to feel better. In reading many of these posts I'm realizing that alcohol really is keeping me down. I use alcohol to self medicate, to alleviate the worries, but then as we all know, they come back ten fold the next day. I know now that alcohol is not helping me at all. I also know that I can not drink moderately and that I'm on the slippery slope. My drinking is just getting progressively worse. I noticed this summer especially that I hated being sober, I was bored, and just felt crappy overall. It's gotten to the point that I don't take much enjoyment in my life, even though I have so much to be thankful for. I realize now that it's the drinking itself that is stopping me from enjoying my life. I get into the wine and have a 2-3 hour "high" before I totally black out. Geez, I feel so bad for my husband and kids. I'm so ashamed of myself. Thanks for everyone's support here.
As for AA, well, I'm scared to go there because I have a job that relies heavily on reputation. I am not at a point that I can risk it getting around that I'm in AA. I'm just not ready for that.
I can't believe how much abuse I've done to myself in the last few years. How pathetic. I am really going to give this my all. My husband laughs and I don't blame him, he's heard this sooooo many times before.
As for AA, well, I'm scared to go there because I have a job that relies heavily on reputation. I am not at a point that I can risk it getting around that I'm in AA. I'm just not ready for that.
I can't believe how much abuse I've done to myself in the last few years. How pathetic. I am really going to give this my all. My husband laughs and I don't blame him, he's heard this sooooo many times before.
Custom User
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: SC
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Ellie323 
I can't believe how much abuse I've done to myself in the last few years. How pathetic. I am really going to give this my all. My husband laughs and I don't blame him, he's heard this sooooo many times before.
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
Should you really be letting some fear keep you
from attending any meetings that will help you?
It is, after all, an anonymous fellowship that relies
on the respect and consideration of it's members.
Perhaps you should go, just to make sure of that?
Should you really be letting some fear keep you
from attending any meetings that will help you?
It is, after all, an anonymous fellowship that relies
on the respect and consideration of it's members.
Perhaps you should go, just to make sure of that?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi Ellie
Welcome to SR - I know the spiral well - I have health issues too - the very worst thing I could do was drink/smoke - so when I did, I'd end up drinking and smoking more to try and control the guilt, anxiety and fears I felt for imbibing in the first place.
It's madness - and you're well out of it.
This place is a great support - keep reading and posting - especially when you want to give into the insanity - a few calm voices here have saved me more than once.
hope to see you around
D
Welcome to SR - I know the spiral well - I have health issues too - the very worst thing I could do was drink/smoke - so when I did, I'd end up drinking and smoking more to try and control the guilt, anxiety and fears I felt for imbibing in the first place.
It's madness - and you're well out of it.
This place is a great support - keep reading and posting - especially when you want to give into the insanity - a few calm voices here have saved me more than once.
hope to see you around
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Welcome to SR!
You need to want to rediscover the person in yourself that doesn't need alcohol. Until that point, you will be stuck in this vicious cycle.
Simple question: Do you think you can do this by yourself?
I'm sure she's in there somewhere, and I'm sure she's great. Unless you are seriously curious as to who this person is, it will be difficult to quit.
Keep posting please!
You need to want to rediscover the person in yourself that doesn't need alcohol. Until that point, you will be stuck in this vicious cycle.
Simple question: Do you think you can do this by yourself?
I'm sure she's in there somewhere, and I'm sure she's great. Unless you are seriously curious as to who this person is, it will be difficult to quit.
Keep posting please!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Ellie,
Alcohol not only doesn't alleviate the problems in life, it makes things worse. It often causes anxiety and depression. You are making a great choice to begin a sober life. Know that you can do this!
Alcohol not only doesn't alleviate the problems in life, it makes things worse. It often causes anxiety and depression. You are making a great choice to begin a sober life. Know that you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: San Rafael CA
Posts: 36
welcome something that has helped me this time (I have had a few unsuccessful attempts) has been keeping that feeling of disgust that I had after a black out night. I just remember that feeling of "GOD what did I do, who do I need to say I am sorry to" and so on. every time that voice says "You can have 1 glass of wine" I bring myself back to that feeling of shame and the desire for a drink is gone. I'm sure you will find your stride and just know that you can do it. There will be up's and downs but you can totally take this on and will be stronger for it in the long run. The fact that you have survived Cancer is a huge accomplishment and make sure you acknowledge your part in that. Not just the powers around you but what YOU did to help fight it. Good luck and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Wow, you sound ALOT like me. I also had a cervical cancer scare in my 20s, they took about 25% of my cervix and I have been fine ever since. I too binge drank and hated that I people joked about how much I could put back.
3 months ago I joined SR and quit for 6 weeks. I never felt so good in my life. Then I went back and began casual drinking again only to find that I really just dont like it anymore. It makes me anxious and feel like crap - even when I am sober. So I am back here because sobriety is soooo much better.
Drinking sucks, even just having a few... I really dont see why people even bother.
This is a good first step! Just try quitting for at least 30 days and see how you like it (I bet you will!!)
3 months ago I joined SR and quit for 6 weeks. I never felt so good in my life. Then I went back and began casual drinking again only to find that I really just dont like it anymore. It makes me anxious and feel like crap - even when I am sober. So I am back here because sobriety is soooo much better.
Drinking sucks, even just having a few... I really dont see why people even bother.
This is a good first step! Just try quitting for at least 30 days and see how you like it (I bet you will!!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
More than once reading your responses you people have brought tears to my eyes. I had mentioned my health scare before because the anxiety I felt from that I think has contributed to my frequency of alcohol abuse. I've used alcohol to numb myself from worrying. As for the one or two drink idea, well, I can totally relate that even having a couple makes a person feel crappy. I want to give me a chance! Thank you all so much for responding to my post. It helps me tremendously to know that I am not alone in all this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 20
your story really hit home with me.
Hi Ellie. I can relate to alot of what you say. I'm new here too and have just decided that I can't moderate myself and am going to go to AA. I too feel bad for what I'm missing out with my family. I would choose to be at home drinking my wine until I'm passed out, over spending a nice evening with my kids. I would just make some excuse for why I couldn't see them. Time to stop!! Life is too short. Keep in touch!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 82
Welcome to SR!
A small level of disgust is good, because it signals to yourself that this is something you don't like. But don't be too hard on yourself, as that will only function to lower your self-esteem, and make you want to drink more to feel better. Millions and millions of people out there cannot moderate their drinking, despite any and all efforts. There is no shame in this. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a drinking problem, to others and to yourself. Getting to a meeting takes even more courage (I am currently in an outpatient rehab program, and have yet had the courage to make it to one!) Check out a meeting, and just listen. If you don't think you'll get anything out of it, leave and don't come back. AA is good because you can take as little or as much from it as you want. If you want to go all in, and work the steps diligently, go for it. If you don't like the religious bent, and if just listening to the stories and having something else to do besides drinking helps, then take that and leave the rest. Anyway, good luck, and keep posting!
A small level of disgust is good, because it signals to yourself that this is something you don't like. But don't be too hard on yourself, as that will only function to lower your self-esteem, and make you want to drink more to feel better. Millions and millions of people out there cannot moderate their drinking, despite any and all efforts. There is no shame in this. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a drinking problem, to others and to yourself. Getting to a meeting takes even more courage (I am currently in an outpatient rehab program, and have yet had the courage to make it to one!) Check out a meeting, and just listen. If you don't think you'll get anything out of it, leave and don't come back. AA is good because you can take as little or as much from it as you want. If you want to go all in, and work the steps diligently, go for it. If you don't like the religious bent, and if just listening to the stories and having something else to do besides drinking helps, then take that and leave the rest. Anyway, good luck, and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In my head...tis dark in here!
Posts: 213
I can relate to your story too...I never would drink around the clock...I'd wait for a certain time in the day...usually around 4pm and then crack open a beer...get bored after a couple so move onto wine (big mistake)...I would always take a pint of water up to bed with me and drink that upon waking up with panic/anxiety attacks...then I'd lay awake trying to peice together the events of the night before...what I did, what I said etc...how I'd let my kids down even tho I'd try to hide it all from them, they'd still see the beer everyday...I'd lay in bed promising myself not to do it again...wondering why I was like it...heart racing etc etc...then after a day recovering I would feel like giving it all another whirl...well it wasnt that bad, was it?...like a previous poster said I now remind myself of that self-loathing, regret and shame that I was experiencing more and more, that seems to help take the edge of that urge when it strikes. I wish I could have just one or two...and leave it there...and for a while I probably could...but then I reckon I'd end up upping the game until I end up the way I just described....in the end you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.....good luck!
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