what is wrong with me
i try and i try. can't get past day four again.
as i type this, it's welcome week at school. twice today i've been told that being southern is equal to an excuse to drink--and i wasn't asking. i'm nursing a bottle of bourbon i really don't want, and i don't think people quite understand the h- i'm going through. i got the pills... finally--that's what got me to drinking again, the pharmacy didn't have the pills i was on, and because of the medical problems i was having i didn't think it wise to just quit the pills too... so that was my excuse. it's three days later. i have no real excuse, just this bottle (again). and i'm starting to wonder, what is it exactly that gets me here. i don't want to be.
i'd rather be sober, truth is. three hours and i'm shaking, staring at this bottle. it'll solve my problems, but it won't. i know this. but i guess what i'm asking this forum, why is this like it is? why can i not make it past the four-day threshhold? is it something in me i need to change--trust me, i'm willing, if i only knew what. i don't understand, i mean i know i'm relatively new to this quitting thing, but it seems to me that it should be far easier than it's proven to be.
alcoholic, yeah i know all of that. dependent, well, no sh-. but what is it that's keeping me at four days? why can't i be free too?