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what is wrong with me

Old 08-28-2009, 12:43 AM
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what is wrong with me

i try and i try. can't get past day four again.

as i type this, it's welcome week at school. twice today i've been told that being southern is equal to an excuse to drink--and i wasn't asking. i'm nursing a bottle of bourbon i really don't want, and i don't think people quite understand the h- i'm going through. i got the pills... finally--that's what got me to drinking again, the pharmacy didn't have the pills i was on, and because of the medical problems i was having i didn't think it wise to just quit the pills too... so that was my excuse. it's three days later. i have no real excuse, just this bottle (again). and i'm starting to wonder, what is it exactly that gets me here. i don't want to be.

i'd rather be sober, truth is. three hours and i'm shaking, staring at this bottle. it'll solve my problems, but it won't. i know this. but i guess what i'm asking this forum, why is this like it is? why can i not make it past the four-day threshhold? is it something in me i need to change--trust me, i'm willing, if i only knew what. i don't understand, i mean i know i'm relatively new to this quitting thing, but it seems to me that it should be far easier than it's proven to be.

alcoholic, yeah i know all of that. dependent, well, no sh-. but what is it that's keeping me at four days? why can't i be free too?
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Old 08-28-2009, 12:59 AM
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Smile

..least you have returned..
..and each time you do,anything that you have learned,does'nt matter
how small..will accumulate into something more powerful then the last
time...
..4 days..next time 5 days..
we don't care..
..keep trying...lol...Oz..
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:18 AM
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Hi TB

Yeah i know what you mean...it sucks! For me it was quite simple in hindsight, after a few days the feelings and emotions i was suppressing using alcohol would rise to the surface and make me so uncomfortable in my own skin that i felt my only option was to drink to stop thinking and feeling.

I had a few months at a time, not many times, where i would stop drinking and lock myself away...avoiding everyone and everything but always would go back to that relief.

I wish you could get to those AA meetings, i couldn't do it by myself and it was a fight i could not win...to win i had to surrender...if you understand that, then cool you maybe can have a go by yourself but i didn't...when someone said to me you can win by surrendering i would say what the **** are you talking about and look at them like they were stupid...

Anyways keep safe and keep coming back here, as long as you keep trying and keep looking for answers you are on the right path...a longer one than necessary (cough meetings)...but the right one nevertheless:-)

Day 4, man we are some messed up puppies always day 4! I think it's

day 1 drink
day 2 feel like crap
day 3 feel less like crap and start thinking
day 4 feel a little better and emotion overload...drink!!!!!!

Remember to eat something too!!!
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:28 AM
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Yeah, you pretty much pinned it down there. Day one, day two, I was laughing. 4 days. I wish I could go longer, and the honest truth is I'm actually doing a lot of thinking. Which I probably should have been doing over the last 20 years, but hey, I guess it's not too late. So now I know myself more, but I still feel like sh- because I reckon it ought to be easy to get sober. I mean, he- all I gotta do is put the bottle down, right? And I am learning things about myself which I probably should have known, so I guess it's not a total loss. But to be honest, a lot of the things I'm learning leave me at a loss too. It's like meeting a brand new person, and I swear I've been the same me for the last 30 years... I don't know how to deal with myself. Da-. There oughtta be a law...
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:43 AM
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hey 30Bubba

3 or 4 days was my limit too - I'd start to feel good and I'd think - hey this is stupid, I'm not an alcoholic!....or something would happen to me (pick a reason) and I'd feel bad and want to block it out...

or someone would drop by with a few beers....or I'd just get bored...or, once or twice, I bought booze without any recollection of actually buying it.

We're alcoholics.

We can talk about that til the cows come home, and we can discuss what it is about us and out lives that we keep doing this over and over.....

but the bottom line is nothing changes if nothing changes Bubba.

You know your cycle now.

I'd be working my fingers to the bone, from now until 3 days time, getting to as many meetings and talking to as many people as I can about this problem, posting here as much as you need to, and reading here - especially back through your own old posts....vary your routine, keep busy, shout down 'the thoughts' - and focus on what you want.

Don;t drink - even when your keisters on fire.

Try every thing you can think of to get a support structure in place so that, in 3 days or 4 days time, you don't drink.

Like it or not, that's the kind of effort you need.

In these early days it's action that's required - not contemplation, not inner dialogue.

Dump the bourbon, Bubba.
D
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:48 AM
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Never too late, unless you in the coffin;-)

Don't know if you notice this, but you are advising yourself by your posts? You are beginning to see that you can't do this by yourself, so the only way is to get outside help.

For me i went the counselor route, antabuse, anti depressants for 5 months last October...ok it was not the route that gave me sobriety but it was a route that led to sobriety..now. There are lots of options out there for you, like SR...by you coming here posting and reading you are on your route to sobriety, you gonna get some bumps along the way and you will, ultimately, have to find your own way as you are like me. I was told to go to AA by a lot of people on here, i was even taken down by a friend...but i wouldn't do it. It took 12 step rehab to tell me why i should go and work the steps, what i would get from it and a living person with decent sobriety in my face everyday to make me understand...

And even then, what did i do? I came out for 2 weeks, still the same obnoxious, arrogant, know all i was before spouting all the stuff i had learned in rehab but not working on it...so back out drinking for 4 weeks until finally i had just had enough and walked, by myself, into the doors of AA and said ok i'm ready to listen and do what you say...i gave up the fight, i mean i accepted, i had admitted long before, that i was an alcoholic and all that comes with making that statement.

Wish i could just open myself up and show you what i mean and what has happened to me...just keep an open mind and keep looking and keep thinking...and stay safe with it all long enough to get sober:-)
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Old 08-28-2009, 01:56 AM
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Thinking is good! But you need to balance thinking with action. Too much of either always get people in trouble. And when you commit to action, thinking afterwards becomes reflection. I think what you are doing now is just reflecting on your being an alcoholic..which I'm sure you've already done a million times before-- and it hasn't worked.

Meetings, I'm sure, are a good form of action. It exposes you to new ideas and gives you a new angle with which to attack the problems in your life.

Keep trying. You'll never quit if you don't keep trying.

Good luck and keep posting!
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Old 08-28-2009, 03:00 AM
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OK. Read and understood. I thank y'all.

Dee, um, at first I hated what you posted, until I got to thinking on it. And the bourbon's gone now, swirled down the drain. Northern hemisphere-style. This is the second time you've 'made' me pour liquor down the drain. You're good for me in ways I can't understand yet.

So here's the plan: I'm going to call that lady from AA and confess to her that I need to go to a meeting, and follow through on it. And I'm going to work on getting into grad school, even though I have no clue what I'm dealing with. It'll occupy my mind, to say the least. And I gotta have a positive attitude: technically, I have not failed at it, 'cause I've never tried it.

Gotta keep moving forward, no wallowing in self-pity or whatever the h- I'm doing. Somehow, some way, this has to work for me. I ain't never failed at nothing else I ever tried... d- if I'm gonna let this be the first.

But, man, it's hard.

Thank y'all for not dismissing me, like most everybody 'round here (ie, real world), and trust, I am listening. It's not like me to be the victim. Pride has me locked into a position where I don't even like to admit what's going on with me, and, honestly, if this wasn't the type of forum where I get to hide my 'identity,' I don't know where I'd be. I feel, rationally or not, that I should have 'gotten' it by now, and am not comfortable with the fact that I'm still in the position I am.
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Old 08-28-2009, 03:07 AM
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It took me 15 years bubba.
I'm either very proud or very dumb. Probably both

The important thing is to never give in...if you want it - so much that nothings an obstacle - you'll get there

and I'm very glad you dumped the booze - great stuff!


D
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Old 08-28-2009, 04:20 AM
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Bubba, keep trying!

It took me nearly 30 years to even get a handle on this problem. I thought I had it beat several times over the years, only for it to keep coming back, stronger than ever before.

I'm now on Day 68 and it gets better each and every day. I NEVER thought I could make it this far. If I can do this, ANYBODY can!

Even if you keep stumbling, please keep coming back here. We're all human and this thing I call "the beast" doesn't care about good intentions. In order to beat it, we must dig deep and search our souls for the answer. I only pray that everyone who is hurting here can feel the relief that not drinking has provided me with over the past two months.
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Old 08-28-2009, 05:41 AM
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"I mean, he- all I gotta do is put the bottle down, right?"

My friend... if that's all there was to it none of us would be here.

Please do follow up on your plans to attend AA.

Keep coming back.
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Old 08-28-2009, 05:51 AM
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You can be free (we all can!) of those destructive habits which entangle us.
You have read thru enough posts to see what works for others. i hope and
pray that you surrender to a simple & spiritual program of recovery soon.
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Old 08-28-2009, 05:55 AM
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trust me, i'm willing,
Be honest, not with me or any one else here, but are you REALLY willing?

Are you REALLY williing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

I had to be REALLY willing to do what ever it took for me to stay sober after I got out of medical detox!

I was REALLY willing!

In Detox they told me if I wanted a chance at long term sobriety I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

I was REALLY willing, I went to more then 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I got a sponsor as well.

I was REALLY willinig to go to any length to stay sober.... September the 18th I will have been sober for 3 years.

I drank for 40 years, I did not draw a sober breath the last 5 years of my drinking because I was both physically and mentally addicted to alcohol.

Are you REALLY willing?

If you are REALLY willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober, ask your self this:

"If I am REALLY willing....... REALLY willing, then I will do what I know has worked for tons of other people won't I?"

Am I being mean when I say what I am saying? No, I have walked in your shoes, I have made all of the excuses of why I can not do this or that! I know that until I was REALLY ready to quit drinking I was NOT ready to do what ever I needed to to stop and stay stopped!

I am saying the above because I love you! I have walked in your shoes for many more years then you have, I found a solution for my alocoholism and I am passing on to you out of love what was so freely given to me and I accepted when I was ready to REALLY quit and stay quit.

I am saying this because I love you as a fellow alcoholic, I love you as a human being.

I am saying this because I know for a fact that there is a solution that will work for you if you are willing to do the work.
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:10 AM
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((Thirty))
U R here at SR. Right where you need 2 B, somehow U found this site, why?
U have admitted that U R powerless, have U surrended yet?
U have started your quest, U R starting your AA f2f and really need to continue.
So proud that U dumped that shi#y bottle!
Start again, try something different. I know this is where U R at, needed to try different things, moderation, etc, but U will see, that this will not work, surrender....
Stay strong.:ghug3
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:10 AM
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Great advice on this thread.

My experience is that it's not so much what you want to do but rather what you have to do.

Here is what I did:

AA (meetings, steps, sponsor)
Sober Recovery
Support of family members
Self-help books
Spiritual books
Journaling
Keep very, very busy (in earlier recovery)

For the most part, this is not stuff that I wanted to do (I initially hated some of it) but I just couldn't live like that anymore.

It reminds me of a line from a song by The Fray "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by yeahgr8 View Post
Hi TB

Yeah i know what you mean...it sucks! For me it was quite simple in hindsight, after a few days the feelings and emotions i was suppressing using alcohol would rise to the surface and make me so uncomfortable in my own skin that i felt my only option was to drink to stop thinking and feeling.

I had a few months at a time, not many times, where i would stop drinking and lock myself away...avoiding everyone and everything but always would go back to that relief.

I wish you could get to those AA meetings, i couldn't do it by myself and it was a fight i could not win...to win i had to surrender...if you understand that, then cool you maybe can have a go by yourself but i didn't...when someone said to me you can win by surrendering i would say what the **** are you talking about and look at them like they were stupid...

Anyways keep safe and keep coming back here, as long as you keep trying and keep looking for answers you are on the right path...a longer one than necessary (cough meetings)...but the right one nevertheless:-)

Day 4, man we are some messed up puppies always day 4! I think it's

day 1 drink
day 2 feel like crap
day 3 feel less like crap and start thinking
day 4 feel a little better and emotion overload...drink!!!!!!

Remember to eat something too!!!
Well, if it's any help, the first WEEK is tough...after that it gets immensely easier. Concentrate on doing one week.....once that is under your belt, a whole new wonderful world opens up. It feels SOOOO good not to be sick every day.
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
Be honest, not with me or any one else here, but are you REALLY willing?

Are you REALLY williing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober?

I had to be REALLY willing to do what ever it took for me to stay sober after I got out of medical detox!

I was REALLY willing!

In Detox they told me if I wanted a chance at long term sobriety I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.

I was REALLY willing, I went to more then 90 AA meetings in 90 days and I got a sponsor as well.

I was REALLY willinig to go to any length to stay sober.... September the 18th I will have been sober for 3 years.

I drank for 40 years, I did not draw a sober breath the last 5 years of my drinking because I was both physically and mentally addicted to alcohol.

Are you REALLY willing?

If you are REALLY willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober, ask your self this:

"If I am REALLY willing....... REALLY willing, then I will do what I know has worked for tons of other people won't I?"

Am I being mean when I say what I am saying? No, I have walked in your shoes, I have made all of the excuses of why I can not do this or that! I know that until I was REALLY ready to quit drinking I was NOT ready to do what ever I needed to to stop and stay stopped!

I am saying the above because I love you! I have walked in your shoes for many more years then you have, I found a solution for my alocoholism and I am passing on to you out of love what was so freely given to me and I accepted when I was ready to REALLY quit and stay quit.

I am saying this because I love you as a fellow alcoholic, I love you as a human being.

I am saying this because I know for a fact that there is a solution that will work for you if you are willing to do the work.
Ditto

My heart went out to you reading your post and made me remember what it was like, how cunning baffling and powerful this disease is

My experience is:

Honest/Open minded/Willing > Cunning/Baffling/Powerful

get thee arse to AA then give us an update
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Old 08-28-2009, 11:27 AM
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Thirty...

Nothing is wrong with you, you are just an alcoholic, like me.

I can remember asking myself the very same question once. The longer I was sober, the more I examined myself, my life. I discovered alot of things along the way. As I explored those, I discovered why I drank, and more importantly, what I needed to do not to drink.

I wasn't crazy...just fighting the demon.

Putting down the bottle is the first step. If that is all it took to keep us sober, well., this site wouldn't even exist.

While drinking, I spent too much time in my own head. Once I stopped, and got past the detox phase, I found that I didn't dwell there as much anymore. That was a good thing.

You can make it past 4 days...You know you can...just keep on keeping on....
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