Cowgirl, I shared that same kind of shame. Once I 'called myself out' on my clandestine efforts to control, I was my own worst enemy for a while. Step 1 did NOT sit well with this ACOA - I mean, come on, if I didn't control things and people and situations, wouldnt' life just fall on me like a pack of wolves? Wouldn't my life be a dangerous place?
But really, this is all about our growth as human beings. It doesn't make any sense to punish ourselves for not knowing better yesterday or the day before.
Once I let myself off the hook, then I also gave myself permission to learn and grow. And then some real healing could start.