Originally Posted by
flipfloplover 
So now I want to drink to avoid all of this stuff swarming in my head. And I want to shout "WHY CANT I JUST BE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE DRINK AND CONTROL IT?"
I was thinking about NA or AA. But I'm afraid to go...because I am going to just start crying and not be able to stop.
Maybe that's precisely what you need to do.
You have many questions, even after your formal education and four years of not drinking or using.... Some of your questions have no answer... some do, but they are within yourself and not in a book or on a website. There is a spiritual solution to your problems and if you are willing to seek that solution, you will find it.
I hear intellectual maturity in what you have posted. But not emotional maturity. You said so yourself, so I hope you don't take offense. Maybe crying is the first step for you.
If you haven't been to AA, you really owe it to yourself. Go to a few, go to some different meetings... After 4 years, a few meetings is a drop in the bucket, time wise....
Mark