Thank you Freedom1990. My faith is shaky for sure and has been for awhile. I never truly let go in all my years of religious education and traditions. I am beginning again. Control has always been my blocker, as it has been for many, I'm sure.
On a positive note for today, shortly after my posting, I consulted an alcohol counselor at our local treatment facility. She said to consult with a lawyer to be sure, but she thinks I wouldn't be held liable if my AM harmed someone. As soon as I heard that a weight seemed to lift off my shoulders. Then I called a friend to bring her up to speed on my difficult week and began to detoxify my insides. Acknowledging the deeply concealed feelings was truly enlightening. Freedom, I did thank God after that conversation. I hadn't felt that good since I discovered my AM was drinking again. I then went outside to enjoy the beauty of the world and I felt free as the birds I was watching. I know I have barely scratched the surface of how it will feel when I rid myself of the poisons of my past, but WOW! what an introduction and an answer to my prayers.
And then...my AM called. She wanted to talk about the open wine bottle I saw hidden in her closet (she referred to it as "the thing you saw last week"-she can't even use the noun for it) and since I don't feel ready to discuss it with her, or to hear more lies/excuses, I established my first boundary!!!!! I said that I am not ready to discuss it but that I would call her when I was. She said "Can I just say something?" and I asked her to respect my wishes to not discuss it right now. She was pissed and hung up on me. I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, feeling like I finally did the right thing for me. Thank you to everyone on this website who has shared their triumphs and tragedies, mistakes and successes, in the hopes that we all recover. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!