Newcomer needing advice
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Newcomer needing advice
I'm new to this forum but not to being confused about what do to with my alcoholic mother. Before I get to the problem I am seeking advice about, I'd like to quickly tell you my story...
I have been struggling with my mother's disease for 15 years and have reacted in every way that Al-Anon suggested I not. (If only I had sought out their program 15 years ago...) I have rescued my mom from many of her disasters, usually sacrificing something important in my life to do so. I am her only living family member. I am an only child, her whole family died about 22 years ago and my dad and her divorced about 12 years ago when he no longer could be brought down by her drinking. She only has a couple friends, probably due to her drinking, but they are not the kind to sacrifice much for her. I have felt compelled to continue rescuing, but I am at my breaking point. Two years ago, she stopped eating and drank heavily. She was found on the floor of her house, core temperature 88 degrees, potassium levels frighteningly low, and organs beginning to shut down, with end stage liver disease. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks, a nursing home for almost a year and recovered enough to seem functional for normal life. During that year, I had to sell her house and most of her possessions, liquidate her assets, pay off creditors, secure health care and deal with the fact that I was now officially the "adult" of the two of us. Many would say I shouldn't have done all that, but not being educated on what to do with an alcoholic, I didn't know any different. I thought that despite buffering the impact of the disaster for her, the fact she almost died and lost nearly everything would have been her bottom. I so wanted to believe her when she said she had learned her lesson. But in the back of my mind, I knew not to believe. She wasn't saying she was an alcoholic. Instead she'd refer to it as "the incident" or the "damage she did to her body". She wasn't going to AA meetings, or even to rehab. Previous to this near death experience, she had gotten 2 DUIs and gone to rehab twice (once because she saw how much I hated her drinking and she was afraid to lose me and once to lessen the amount of jail time from her second DUI-neither was because she thought she had a problem).
So what's she doing now that it is 2 years since she almost killed herself...Drinking again. She will succeed this time, I am afraid. And the problem I am seeking advice about is I don't want her taking anyone else with her. She has a license and a car and I am afraid she will drink and drive and kill someone. She owns the car, but as her financial custodian, I own the account the car insurance company deducts money from. I feel I have a moral responsibility to ensure she doesn't drive drunk, but I wonder how much control I should continue to assert over her life. I am tired, angry, resentful, bitter and I can't have detached love for her while I feel this way. And the more control I have to have over her life (BTW, I am custodian because SSA has deemed me so), the more I hate my life. I am trying to start the Al-Anon program but I am not getting answers to this immediate problem. She can ruin her own life, but I don't want her to ruin another person's. Anyways, thanks for indulging me on this longer than intended story. If anyone has removed an alcoholic's ability to drive, please share what you did and how it worked out. I am open to all advice.
I have been struggling with my mother's disease for 15 years and have reacted in every way that Al-Anon suggested I not. (If only I had sought out their program 15 years ago...) I have rescued my mom from many of her disasters, usually sacrificing something important in my life to do so. I am her only living family member. I am an only child, her whole family died about 22 years ago and my dad and her divorced about 12 years ago when he no longer could be brought down by her drinking. She only has a couple friends, probably due to her drinking, but they are not the kind to sacrifice much for her. I have felt compelled to continue rescuing, but I am at my breaking point. Two years ago, she stopped eating and drank heavily. She was found on the floor of her house, core temperature 88 degrees, potassium levels frighteningly low, and organs beginning to shut down, with end stage liver disease. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks, a nursing home for almost a year and recovered enough to seem functional for normal life. During that year, I had to sell her house and most of her possessions, liquidate her assets, pay off creditors, secure health care and deal with the fact that I was now officially the "adult" of the two of us. Many would say I shouldn't have done all that, but not being educated on what to do with an alcoholic, I didn't know any different. I thought that despite buffering the impact of the disaster for her, the fact she almost died and lost nearly everything would have been her bottom. I so wanted to believe her when she said she had learned her lesson. But in the back of my mind, I knew not to believe. She wasn't saying she was an alcoholic. Instead she'd refer to it as "the incident" or the "damage she did to her body". She wasn't going to AA meetings, or even to rehab. Previous to this near death experience, she had gotten 2 DUIs and gone to rehab twice (once because she saw how much I hated her drinking and she was afraid to lose me and once to lessen the amount of jail time from her second DUI-neither was because she thought she had a problem).
So what's she doing now that it is 2 years since she almost killed herself...Drinking again. She will succeed this time, I am afraid. And the problem I am seeking advice about is I don't want her taking anyone else with her. She has a license and a car and I am afraid she will drink and drive and kill someone. She owns the car, but as her financial custodian, I own the account the car insurance company deducts money from. I feel I have a moral responsibility to ensure she doesn't drive drunk, but I wonder how much control I should continue to assert over her life. I am tired, angry, resentful, bitter and I can't have detached love for her while I feel this way. And the more control I have to have over her life (BTW, I am custodian because SSA has deemed me so), the more I hate my life. I am trying to start the Al-Anon program but I am not getting answers to this immediate problem. She can ruin her own life, but I don't want her to ruin another person's. Anyways, thanks for indulging me on this longer than intended story. If anyone has removed an alcoholic's ability to drive, please share what you did and how it worked out. I am open to all advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow. welcome LAC!! Glad you found us! I don;t have any experience with what you are specifically describing but I have called the cops on my brother when he got into his car drunk....they didn't catch him that time but he managed to get 2 DUIs without any help from me and has no license or car now...
Hopefully someone will be along soon who can advise you...AlAnon really turned my head around and changed my life in so many positive ways - I hope you can keep going...it all starts to make sense after a while and I remember beginning to feel this burden lift from my shoulders and a path to freedom of choice in how I deal with the A's in my life emerging after several meetings...and then working the steps was a real eye-opener.
stick around!!
peace,
b
Hopefully someone will be along soon who can advise you...AlAnon really turned my head around and changed my life in so many positive ways - I hope you can keep going...it all starts to make sense after a while and I remember beginning to feel this burden lift from my shoulders and a path to freedom of choice in how I deal with the A's in my life emerging after several meetings...and then working the steps was a real eye-opener.
stick around!!
peace,
b
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family LACUgh, I can feel the weight of the world on your shoulders!
I'm so sorry your mother is not taking care of herself.
The first thing I want to suggest is an excercise to help you detach from the resentment you have. It is so unhealthy for you to carry this around day after day. Try this: Forgive her for not being what you needed her to be and set her free.
My next suggestion is to stick around! You will find lots of support, wisdom and hope for yourself here at SR! The sticky posts at the top of this forum are wonderful. Read and post as often as needed.
About momma, if you know she has been drinking and gets behind the wheel of her car; call the cops.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
Thanks B. I appreciate your response. Calling the cops on your brother took courage...Good for you. I don't know that I could do it. I know what a third DUI would mean for her and that is frightening to me. I know no one wants to see their family member in jail, and I know it would be her fault for ending up there, but part of my desire to remove her keys is probably to keep her from going there. I sure do hate these feelings and I hate the fact that I have been put in the position to feel them. Good luck with your recovery from this life. I will keep going to Al-Anon...I'll take any help I can get at this point.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
Pelican, Thank you for the exercise. It made me want to cry. I have known that I should forgive for a long time, but I think my pride is getting in the way. I take your words as a sign that I need to make this my immediate goal.
With regards to calling the cops, I am currently living in a different town from her and we don't talk that often. I think she knows not to call when she has been drinking. In a couple months, I will be moving to a different country and will really not have the ability to monitor her drinking and driving. Hence feeling like the only option I have is to take away her car. I don't really know how to approach that situation though.
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
With regards to calling the cops, I am currently living in a different town from her and we don't talk that often. I think she knows not to call when she has been drinking. In a couple months, I will be moving to a different country and will really not have the ability to monitor her drinking and driving. Hence feeling like the only option I have is to take away her car. I don't really know how to approach that situation though.
Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
LAC, you've certainly gone the mile with her, and then some.
I think you should be happy with your life. You've done all you could for her, and while she may once again fall to this disease, you can be content in your heart knowing you did what you could. At one point, we just have to walk away.
As for her driving, perhaps getting arrested and put in jail for a duration of time would dry her out and maybe get her to a point where she can get some help — on her own of course.
I think you should be happy with your life. You've done all you could for her, and while she may once again fall to this disease, you can be content in your heart knowing you did what you could. At one point, we just have to walk away.
As for her driving, perhaps getting arrested and put in jail for a duration of time would dry her out and maybe get her to a point where she can get some help — on her own of course.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
As an alternative to calling the cops, why not check with your state Dept of Motor Vehicles and see if 1)because of 2 DUI's and 2) her incapacitated state (you are her guardian if they can 'withdraw/cancel her driver's license.
If they will do that, then you can stop the insurance and sell the car. She will have to find another way to get her alcohol (will probably have it delivered) but much safer for the general population. (You would only be obeying the law.)
I do understand your dilemma and am sending goods thoughts and prayers for you and your mom.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
If they will do that, then you can stop the insurance and sell the car. She will have to find another way to get her alcohol (will probably have it delivered) but much safer for the general population. (You would only be obeying the law.)
I do understand your dilemma and am sending goods thoughts and prayers for you and your mom.
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
Trying2survive and Laurie,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. I am overwhelmed by the instant replies and validation to my long standing questions and feelings. I am strengthened by all your voices. Laurie, I thank you for the DMV suggestion. I had thought about checking into something like that, but I feel like I struggle with acting on decisions like that. I hope through this healing process that I get more confidence to deal with these difficult moments. You all are helping immensely.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond. I am overwhelmed by the instant replies and validation to my long standing questions and feelings. I am strengthened by all your voices. Laurie, I thank you for the DMV suggestion. I had thought about checking into something like that, but I feel like I struggle with acting on decisions like that. I hope through this healing process that I get more confidence to deal with these difficult moments. You all are helping immensely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR!! So happy to have you here but sorry for all the reasons that brought you.
You wrote:
thank you for the DMV suggestion. I had thought about checking into something like that, but I feel like I struggle with acting on decisions like that
Maybe try thinking of the concept that if you do what you've always done, you will continue to get the same results.
This helped me when I was uncomfortable making a tough decision in recovery to go against my past reaction to things. If in the past I avoided confrontation, I knew I had too stand tall and face the situation. If I would normally hand over money to my alcoholic ex-boyfriend to cover his habit, I knew I had say no and hide my wallet. And if I always put the needs of other before the needs of myself, I had to change it.
NO ONE should ever fault you for the decision you made to save your mother. Letting them fall is not in our nature and had it been any other illness that almost took her life you would made the same decision.
Today is a new day and today you can move forward in a different way and do what you need to do to let her addiction belong to her and her alone.
Keep posting. We're listening.
In friendship,
Alice
You wrote:
thank you for the DMV suggestion. I had thought about checking into something like that, but I feel like I struggle with acting on decisions like that
Maybe try thinking of the concept that if you do what you've always done, you will continue to get the same results.
This helped me when I was uncomfortable making a tough decision in recovery to go against my past reaction to things. If in the past I avoided confrontation, I knew I had too stand tall and face the situation. If I would normally hand over money to my alcoholic ex-boyfriend to cover his habit, I knew I had say no and hide my wallet. And if I always put the needs of other before the needs of myself, I had to change it.
NO ONE should ever fault you for the decision you made to save your mother. Letting them fall is not in our nature and had it been any other illness that almost took her life you would made the same decision.
Today is a new day and today you can move forward in a different way and do what you need to do to let her addiction belong to her and her alone.
Keep posting. We're listening.
In friendship,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 72
Hi there
I am new here to. Welcome.
I don't know how it works where you live but I do know that one of my aunts organized it, so that her husband had to have one of those "blow" things installed in his car. He also had had prior DUI's and had his license lost for a while. She did use "Vitamin B" to get it forced on him so I don't know how you could accomplish that.
Good luck and please let us know what happens with the DMV.
Ela
I am new here to. Welcome.
I don't know how it works where you live but I do know that one of my aunts organized it, so that her husband had to have one of those "blow" things installed in his car. He also had had prior DUI's and had his license lost for a while. She did use "Vitamin B" to get it forced on him so I don't know how you could accomplish that.
Good luck and please let us know what happens with the DMV.
Ela
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
Canuckch,
Vitamin B? Thanks for the advice. I am looking into the breathalyzer install. From the looks of it, it's expensive but worth it.
She did use "Vitamin B" to get it forced on him so I don't know how you could accomplish that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
It's been a couple days since I posted...I've been in hiding. I have been sick inside with worry about what to do. I am realizing that I did a great job of avoiding conflict and confrontation for so many years that I am completely unprepared for this. I am scared, no terrified, of what will go down when I take whatever action I choose. I will be doing this alone, physically anyway, and I am worried I won't be strong enough. I get anxious just thinking about it. I am breathing faster, not able to focus and unable to extract my mind from all the awful possibilities that lay ahead. I know...not healthy...and I try to talk myself out of it. I try to focus on problem solving, working through the solutions, I am seeking help and I've gone to a couple meetings. But no one can tell me how to deal with this, and I really wish they would. I want someone to sweep in and fix it for me, because I feel like I have fixed my fair share of issues with her. I am now down to 3 choices to present to her (my therapist told me a long time ago to help her feel empowered will help her self-esteem)...but I don't want to give her choices. She never really gave me any. Hey honey, you could have a peaceful life with a happy healthy family or one in which I get drunk and put you through emotional h***. Anyway the choices are...1-take away the car and sell it, saving the money for her; 2-revoke all things that I am financially liable for (everything) thus saving my husband and I from any harm she does with the car, but creating more work for me because I will no longer be giving her cash; 3-have the breathalyzer installed wiping out any ability to save money for her future, should she have one. It felt better to make the list yesterday and clarify the options but it doesn't help remove the shear terror I feel at having to initiate this discussion. Thanks for letting me vent in a moment of panic as I sit here alone, a prisoner of my fears.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
LAC,
You aren't alone at all. Many here have been through this, or are going through it. I'm sure that there are people who would be a great support system for you living within walking distance.
Ask for help. I know it's hard, but it's important.
You aren't alone at all. Many here have been through this, or are going through it. I'm sure that there are people who would be a great support system for you living within walking distance.
Ask for help. I know it's hard, but it's important.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
LAC, I read your original post and your responses so far.
I can't help but wonder. Do you believe in God or a higher power of some sort?
Fear is absence of faith, faith in a greater something.
For years I drove myself nuts with my now 31 year old AD. Nothing changed with her, regardless of what I've done.
She rolled her van with both of her children in it. Thank God they were okay.
She eventually lost custody of the children after overdosing in front of them.
I finally came to the point where I had no quality of life, and it didn't make a bit of difference what I had tried, my AD was going to do what she was going to do.
I let go and gave her to God.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands, and I stay out of the way of his plans for her.
:ghug2 :ghug2
I can't help but wonder. Do you believe in God or a higher power of some sort?
Fear is absence of faith, faith in a greater something.
For years I drove myself nuts with my now 31 year old AD. Nothing changed with her, regardless of what I've done.
She rolled her van with both of her children in it. Thank God they were okay.
She eventually lost custody of the children after overdosing in front of them.
I finally came to the point where I had no quality of life, and it didn't make a bit of difference what I had tried, my AD was going to do what she was going to do.
I let go and gave her to God.
I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands, and I stay out of the way of his plans for her.
:ghug2 :ghug2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 14
Thank you Freedom1990. My faith is shaky for sure and has been for awhile. I never truly let go in all my years of religious education and traditions. I am beginning again. Control has always been my blocker, as it has been for many, I'm sure.
On a positive note for today, shortly after my posting, I consulted an alcohol counselor at our local treatment facility. She said to consult with a lawyer to be sure, but she thinks I wouldn't be held liable if my AM harmed someone. As soon as I heard that a weight seemed to lift off my shoulders. Then I called a friend to bring her up to speed on my difficult week and began to detoxify my insides. Acknowledging the deeply concealed feelings was truly enlightening. Freedom, I did thank God after that conversation. I hadn't felt that good since I discovered my AM was drinking again. I then went outside to enjoy the beauty of the world and I felt free as the birds I was watching. I know I have barely scratched the surface of how it will feel when I rid myself of the poisons of my past, but WOW! what an introduction and an answer to my prayers.
And then...my AM called. She wanted to talk about the open wine bottle I saw hidden in her closet (she referred to it as "the thing you saw last week"-she can't even use the noun for it) and since I don't feel ready to discuss it with her, or to hear more lies/excuses, I established my first boundary!!!!! I said that I am not ready to discuss it but that I would call her when I was. She said "Can I just say something?" and I asked her to respect my wishes to not discuss it right now. She was pissed and hung up on me. I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, feeling like I finally did the right thing for me. Thank you to everyone on this website who has shared their triumphs and tragedies, mistakes and successes, in the hopes that we all recover. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
On a positive note for today, shortly after my posting, I consulted an alcohol counselor at our local treatment facility. She said to consult with a lawyer to be sure, but she thinks I wouldn't be held liable if my AM harmed someone. As soon as I heard that a weight seemed to lift off my shoulders. Then I called a friend to bring her up to speed on my difficult week and began to detoxify my insides. Acknowledging the deeply concealed feelings was truly enlightening. Freedom, I did thank God after that conversation. I hadn't felt that good since I discovered my AM was drinking again. I then went outside to enjoy the beauty of the world and I felt free as the birds I was watching. I know I have barely scratched the surface of how it will feel when I rid myself of the poisons of my past, but WOW! what an introduction and an answer to my prayers.
And then...my AM called. She wanted to talk about the open wine bottle I saw hidden in her closet (she referred to it as "the thing you saw last week"-she can't even use the noun for it) and since I don't feel ready to discuss it with her, or to hear more lies/excuses, I established my first boundary!!!!! I said that I am not ready to discuss it but that I would call her when I was. She said "Can I just say something?" and I asked her to respect my wishes to not discuss it right now. She was pissed and hung up on me. I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, feeling like I finally did the right thing for me. Thank you to everyone on this website who has shared their triumphs and tragedies, mistakes and successes, in the hopes that we all recover. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
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