Cowgirl1265

My parents invited me to dinner Friday, and since the kids were with their dad, I thought it would be nice to spend time with them.

Ugh.

Even *knowing* they are the source of the issues I face with codependency now, being around them sometimes feels like I'm trying to fight a fire with a thimble of water. My dad is the alcoholic. He doesn't drink until 5 or 5:30 and at this stage he only has one or two stiff ones - that's all it takes. He's 82, he's obese, he has congestive heart failure, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and his kidneys and liver are starting to fail. He's very 'me-centered' and controlling. He is belligerent and insecure and thinks the only way to win an argument with you is to either shout louder than you or walk off in a huff making sarcastic defensive statements. Oh, wait, I just described myself...

Mom is the codependent. She is the nurturer, and the sicker he gets, the more miserable he makes her. She hates taking care of him and at the same time is terrified of him dying - as if his self-fueled destruction is not at fault, and if he dies its because she somehow failed at caretaking.

I love them, but I keep going over there thinking that I can change their behavior by saying the right things. Or I decide that I'm not going to be manipulated by them and stand up for myself, only to have dad get mad and sulk. Friday night, dad had a second drink. We were talking about some of the issues I have been having with my husband, from whom I recently separated. Mom as usual cries and says they should have never moved so close to us because she thinks its their fault we have split (they don't get along with my husband - partly their fault and partly his). I try to say that no, its not their fault, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with issues he and I have been having for a long time. At which point dad says in an aggressive tone, "So why did you every marry him in the first place?"

I know there is no right answer to the question. But this is not the first time he has asked it. He's in the mood to fight and nothing I say is going to change that fact. I can either appease him and say something stupid like "I don't know dad, I guess I just have bad judgment" or I can stand up for myself and call him on being a jerk. Which is what I did - I asked him what kind of question that was? And why would he even think he had the right to ask it? And of course his response is "Oh, you're all high and mighty now because you go to &()*#&$Kking therapy. I've never gone to *$#&#$ing therapy in my life and I don't need it." And stomps away from the table to then deliver sarcastic invectives from his chair. And of course my mom cries and says they should move 3,000 miles away because they are so horrid.

<<sigh>> I am exhausted when I realize that not only do I have codependent issues that I am resolving with my husband, but that I have an even greater problem when it comes to dealing with my parents. I am so entwined...and I need their help when it comes to the kids - but the price is just so high sometimes. There are times when visiting them is fine, early in the day before dad starts drinking is usually best.

I guess I'm just going to have to decline all future dinner invitations, or learn a better way of handling my dad's aggressiveness that doesn't make me feel like I've spent the better part of a couple of hours being forced through a brain grinder.