Getting to the source of it all...

Old 08-24-2009, 02:08 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Cowgirl1265's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Getting to the source of it all...

My parents invited me to dinner Friday, and since the kids were with their dad, I thought it would be nice to spend time with them.

Ugh.

Even *knowing* they are the source of the issues I face with codependency now, being around them sometimes feels like I'm trying to fight a fire with a thimble of water. My dad is the alcoholic. He doesn't drink until 5 or 5:30 and at this stage he only has one or two stiff ones - that's all it takes. He's 82, he's obese, he has congestive heart failure, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and his kidneys and liver are starting to fail. He's very 'me-centered' and controlling. He is belligerent and insecure and thinks the only way to win an argument with you is to either shout louder than you or walk off in a huff making sarcastic defensive statements. Oh, wait, I just described myself...

Mom is the codependent. She is the nurturer, and the sicker he gets, the more miserable he makes her. She hates taking care of him and at the same time is terrified of him dying - as if his self-fueled destruction is not at fault, and if he dies its because she somehow failed at caretaking.

I love them, but I keep going over there thinking that I can change their behavior by saying the right things. Or I decide that I'm not going to be manipulated by them and stand up for myself, only to have dad get mad and sulk. Friday night, dad had a second drink. We were talking about some of the issues I have been having with my husband, from whom I recently separated. Mom as usual cries and says they should have never moved so close to us because she thinks its their fault we have split (they don't get along with my husband - partly their fault and partly his). I try to say that no, its not their fault, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with issues he and I have been having for a long time. At which point dad says in an aggressive tone, "So why did you every marry him in the first place?"

I know there is no right answer to the question. But this is not the first time he has asked it. He's in the mood to fight and nothing I say is going to change that fact. I can either appease him and say something stupid like "I don't know dad, I guess I just have bad judgment" or I can stand up for myself and call him on being a jerk. Which is what I did - I asked him what kind of question that was? And why would he even think he had the right to ask it? And of course his response is "Oh, you're all high and mighty now because you go to &()*#&$Kking therapy. I've never gone to *$#&#$ing therapy in my life and I don't need it." And stomps away from the table to then deliver sarcastic invectives from his chair. And of course my mom cries and says they should move 3,000 miles away because they are so horrid.

<<sigh>> I am exhausted when I realize that not only do I have codependent issues that I am resolving with my husband, but that I have an even greater problem when it comes to dealing with my parents. I am so entwined...and I need their help when it comes to the kids - but the price is just so high sometimes. There are times when visiting them is fine, early in the day before dad starts drinking is usually best.

I guess I'm just going to have to decline all future dinner invitations, or learn a better way of handling my dad's aggressiveness that doesn't make me feel like I've spent the better part of a couple of hours being forced through a brain grinder.
Cowgirl1265 is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 02:28 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Cowgirl1265 View Post
I am so entwined...and I need their help when it comes to the kids - but the price is just so high sometimes.
I know exactly what you mean. There is always an emotional price tag that has come with 'help' from my folks.

If I had it my way, the 21 year old daughter would be out the door. As it is, I'm still not fully self-supporting as my job is only part-time, and I am in my final year of college.

The two times I have told the 21 year old to hit the door, she has gotten on the phone and cried to my dad. Then I get it with both barrels as he's still helping with rent/utilities. It sucks.

When she totalled her first car, guess whose car she got to use? Mine. It's in my name, but my dad paid for it, so there's another price tag. Let's not even mention the fact I was having to find rides to my AA meetings and schedule my errands around when she didn't need the car. She burned the clutch out in my car, so that was over $700 out of my dad's pocket. I'll be honest and tell you I did smile over that one.

I just keep focusing on my goals, which include becoming totally self-sufficient financially through this college degree. My boss has already asked me if I'd be interested in a full-time position when one opens up. That means no job search out of town, or commuting long-distance every day.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 08-24-2009, 02:33 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
What does your therapist suggest?
Just a question to ask yourself...
mine had me write them a letter and send it..
first I wrote it and then she reviewed it.
And don't be fooled, they didn't get it at all...
it was just me making a stand and speaking for myself..
it actually took years to negotiate a comfortable and now pleasing relationship with them...and we on both sides, take precautions to limit the time and place we are together.
I started this process in 1993...
but I have been able to let go of the things that stung for so long and they are now elderly and I just want them to feel loved and appreciated...peace, serenity and love in their old age...but it has taken years to get here!
And my mom, the main offender of the intemperate tongue has been trained to pretty much keep it to herself because I bite back these days, so it isn't worth it to her anymore.
I am sorry that is what it took, but it takes what it takes.
I had to demand and only accept respect.
The how-tos are very individual even tho' the basic concepts are the same for all of us...
best wishes to you in this,
take care of yourself and your kids first....

live
Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:52 PM.