It's a real shame you won't go into a meeting, with a few months of not drinking it would be a great time to go...
I just hope you think a bit about statements like and since the moment he left I have been trying to talk myself into drinking....... Do you not see how crazy that sounds? How are you going to keep this up by yourself?
People tried to help me when i did my 5 months of not drinking and i was the same so i guess we all have to go our own way...this could be the year for you though:-)