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Hoping honesty will help

Old 08-04-2009, 08:42 PM
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Hoping honesty will help

I am finally feeling somewhat "ok" again after my latest fall...my latest regret/mistake/bad decision...call it whatever....the last time i decided it was ok to let myself drink...
So I am feeling better....the saddness and depression have finally lifted off me and I am actually smiling, laughing and back to my light hearted self....trying to make my friends and loved ones smile/happy....working on making life better....
This is when I always seem to f*ck up!!! When things start getting ok/good again......when I feel ok....I always somehow talk myself into thinking I can drink....without the bad coming back????? AND I AM AWARE OF THIS!!!! But I keep doing it....over and over and over again.....

How can I finally put an end to this cycle???
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:52 PM
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I could never stop the cycle either Jade. I would always drink when I felt better because drinking was what I did. I knew not drinking would be a very hard thing to do and it scared me - noone wants to be different....so I'd let myself think maybe my problems not that bad, maybe I'll do better this time...maybe this, maybe that...always ended up back in the same place.

I found reading back through my old posts, and the posts of others here helped me to make it through the days when I thought I was 'overreacting' and that I 'wasn't that bad'.

I was that bad.

Are you doing any programme Jade?

D
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:57 PM
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If you have been reading the various postings here, you should already be aware of the simple tried and true basics of recovery. Goings to meetings, getting and using a sponsor, writing and working thru the Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, being of service at a Home Group, helping another alcoholic or addict stay clean every day, making daily contact with a God of your understanding, & reading fellowship literature are just a few.

Doing those things regularly and surrendering to my Higher Power's will for my life has worked to keep me clean and serene for 3 years, 6 months, and 4 days. Accepting reality just as it is keeps me in the here and now without being overly concerned about those things i cannot change. Looking forward instead of sideways keeps me moving in one direction. Being just who i am and what i am & accepting that helps me to give myself a break.

It can work for you if you work for it. What are you willing to do to stay clean & sober today?
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:59 PM
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I know it's tough, isn't it, jade? You start to feel good and it all seems like it's so easy. So easy that drinking would make it just a pinch better. But it never does for those of us who keep doing it over and over just as you say.

How do you put an end to the cycle of self destructive tendencies? That problem has to be solved by you alone because ultimately only you can make the decisions about your future based on your past. Only you can find the reasons for why you, jade, keep doing it over and over and over. My reasons are probably different than yours and so my solutions will be different than yours. All you can do is live and learn. Learn from your experiences and learn from others' as well. In time you'll find the solution that you need.

For me I was always seeking transcendence. The only way that I could find transcendence and escape my mysery was to drink. It's such a contradiction, though. I would be feeling good and so wanton of drink. But if I was feeling good then why drink? If I wasn't feeling the mysery then why drink? Oh the mind games I would play with myself. I still do. But I try new things when the old ones get stale.

Really, all we can do is to keep moving forward and searching for our answers. Keep trying new things, new ways of thinking, etc. One day you'll find something and you may say to yourself, "That's it! It all seems so simple now."

I hope that day comes soon for you and for every other person who suffers from a lack of that "one thing" or those "many things" if that be the case.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:06 PM
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I forgot to add one thing. You yourself, jade touched on it in the title of your thread.

Honesty. To me honesty is the single key foundation stone of recovery. From it branches everything else.

In my opinion, it takes brutal, penetrating honesty to save oneself from the throes of addiction.
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:14 PM
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I know....I am tired of telling myself these same thoughts/ideas/ REALITY---
I'm a smart person, I mean the best....I just fall short when it comes to will power and saying no
I know it's up to me, I know this is my fault....
But still.....I fight myself everyday to just stop thinking about it...to just NOT DRINK....It seems rational enough....all my misery comes from my drinking....only bad comes from it....but I always cave into myself.....Why can't I just let it go...?.... I/the real me...does not want to drink....but the alcoholic/immature/selfish girl inside me is still winning?!?!?! Send her away..for good this time!!
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Old 08-04-2009, 09:25 PM
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Tolerating uncertainty: Uncertainty is an unpleasant thing. Human beings dislike it intensely, and when depressed or anxious, it troubles them even more. In fact, a good equation for anxiety is... Anxiety = Uncertainty x Importance. Anxiety leads to relapse. There is a lot of uncertainty in our future. Tolerating uncertainty is a prime emotional skill. Established negative thinking patterns can mean that we lose this skill. But the vital point here is that tolerating uncertainty is a skill, and as such, can be learned. The more possible explanations you can generate, and the more effort you put into doing that, the harder it will be to assign an immediate and definite meaning to an event, and the less likely you are to experience a negative emotional reaction.

Try not to get down on yourself.
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Old 08-05-2009, 12:13 AM
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If you could have done it by yourself, you would have done it already. It's like getting into a boxing ring with no formal training whatsoever and the beatings getting gradually worse each time. This time will be different...how? I hope you get help, you are one sick puppy and you need to accept that to be able to have a decent and happy life:-)
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Old 08-05-2009, 03:58 AM
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Honesty!!!!

Brutal honesty with myself and polite honesty with others is what set me free of the bonds of alcoholism and self. As others have said already honesty is the cornerstone of recovery.

know....I am tired of telling myself these same thoughts/ideas/ REALITY---
I'm a smart person, I mean the best....I just fall short when it comes to will power and saying no
I know it's up to me, I know this is my fault....
But still.....I fight myself everyday to just stop thinking about it...to just NOT DRINK....It seems rational enough....all my misery comes from my drinking....only bad comes from it....but I always cave into myself.....Why can't I just let it go...?.... I/the real me...does not want to drink....but the alcoholic/immature/selfish girl inside me is still winning?!?!?! Send her away..for good this time!!
Jade I could have written that 3 years ago, I was lost and hopeless, I had not drawn a sober breath in 5 years, I drank when I did not want to drink.

I was tired of fighting, so tired I finally surrendered to alcohol, I just gave up!!!

Well a very short time after that surrender I surrendered to the fact that I had no idea how to get sober and I had proven track record of not being able to stay sober on my own will power alone (Sound familiar?).

When the second surrender happened I was then able to reach out for help, admitting that I could not do it my way alone with just my will power alone.

I became willing to do what ever it took to get and stay sober!

I saw a doctor, he put me into medical detox, medical detox suggested AA if I REALLY wanted a chance at long term sobriety.

All I can say is that I am free today from the bondage of my alcoholism, I had my last drink 1,052 days ago and can honestly say I could care less if I ever have another drink again, I hold my head high, I look the world square in the eye, I am happy and I am comfortable in my own skin!

This is as a direct result of taking the 12 steps of AA and the fellowship of AA! For me when I hear another AA person say "I could not stay sober, but we can." I totally understand what they are saying.

Jade have you thought about stepping over to the winning side?

The way I found to get to the winning side was to surrender to the winning side, I became a winner when I surrendered.

Think about this. I could not stay sober, it was a losing battle that I had lost because I did not know how to stay sober. I asked for help from people who had found a way to overcome the bondage of alcoholism, these people took me by the hand and they shared with me and helped me do what they had done and do to stay sober.

If one wants to learn how to swim do they ask for help from some one who does not know how to swim or do they ask an experienced swimmer for help? Should they feel ashamed or weak for seeking help from an experienced swimmer?

If you really want to stay sober why not go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a temporary sponosr?

What do you have to lose? An hour or 2 every day of possible drinking time?

What do you have to gain? Possibly life itself, freedom from the bondage of alcoholism, a whole new way of living that you never dreamed possible?

Hey if you really want to stay sober and you know you can not do it your way alone the worst thing that may happen is you will stay sober for 90 days, I am sure you can get a full refund on all of the misery you missed out on for those 90 days! LOL
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Old 08-05-2009, 04:09 AM
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jade, if there is one thing I got from your post that stood out to me it was
trying to make my friends and loved ones smile/happy
Your job today is to make YOU happy! I stopped trying to do for others when I could not do for myself. Today I know that when I get up in the morning there is only one person I KNOW I can make happy and that's me. I put myself first today. Give myself a break and I have to be selfish for me. Being a people pleaser I spent so much energy trying to help others and I never left anything for me. Today, I AM the Queen of my Castle.

And just remember, no matter what, no matter what, don't pick up. All you have to do is get through the next second, minute, hour, day week and so on. Keep posting. So glad you are here.
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by jade09 View Post
I'm a smart person, I mean the best....I just fall short when it comes to will power
Maybe willpower is not the entire answer? Maybe that will, as strong as it is, needs to be directed along different lines?

I'm a pretty smart and capable guy. I've got a track record of being able to accomplish whatever I set out to do. But when it came to alcohol, I fell short every time. I lived in a fantasy world for quite some time, always thinking that if I just worked harder, applied myself better, or really really tried to stay sober, I'd be able to accomplish that as well. If only I managed well, all would be better.

That was my delusion. Today I don't cling to any notion that I can work or think my way out of alcoholism. I don't know the first thing about staying sober. But I had some people tell me that if I took certain actions, if I directed my will along certain lines, I would recover. So I did. I abandoned myself to the same path that they had travelled. And I got the same result they got.

Here's a little secret, Jade. Those actions that I have to take to stay sober and have a fulfilling and wondrous life, are the exact same actions that a newcomer to sobriety has to take. Exactly the same.
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Old 08-05-2009, 07:26 AM
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Hi Jade,

I also struggled with that situation for a long time, and my addiction worsened.

Recognize the addict-voice for what it is, and then let it go, dismiss it. The thoughts and feelings are not 'you', nor do they control you and just knowing that, can help you to get through it.
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:16 PM
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Thank you guys!!! I'm still in the same spot....still struggling mentally...not willing to go to meetings....thinking I can do this on my own....but for once I have actually stopped myself, or stopped myself from allowing myself to think its ok to drink again....
My husband has been away for over a week on a vacation with his mother, and since the moment he left I have been trying to talk myself into drinking......
I CAN NOT BELIEVE I've made it this far....
I am great at disapointing, and letting down and giving in...
This has not been my longest stretch of soberity, but I am SO proud I did not give in!!
It's been difficult, like it always is for us, somehow or another.... but this time, I fought it.....actually yelled at myself...and ignored my thoughts, ignored the voice trying to convince me it was ok, ignoring the beer in the frigde and the drunk people who wanted me to come play......I actually said NO.........? it felt great!!!!!!
I need the strength to keep this going!!!! FOREVER
I never want to go back to that life
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:20 PM
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Oh Jade I am sooo proud of you!!! You are rocking it out girl!! Keep this stretch going and keep reminding yourself of how amazing this feeling is!! And keep reminding yourself of how awful you felt your last slip. I am rooting for you my Jade twin!! PM me anytime...

HUGS and LOVE,
Jade19
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:23 PM
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"not willing to go to meetings....thinking I can do this on my own...."

The people just like you going to AA meetings will be there to help you when you're done doing it on your own.

Keep coming back.
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:25 PM
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Jade, I do it on my own with the occasional meeting thrown in here and there. A lot of people do it on their own. You can too!! But Tommy is right, there are some great support options out there waiting for you....
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:37 PM
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I know?!?!?!?!
Don't know why I can't bring my butt in??? Have drivin to a few...can't make it thru the door???
But I am feeling different about it all.....
My inner self/strength wants to prove itself????...
And for the first time, I believe me....I WANT THIS
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Old 08-23-2009, 08:51 PM
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Red face

Hi Jade,

Try a new way and finally walk thru those doors. People like me and the other

SR members are there. Just people dealing daily with a disease. Nothing is

expected of you and you can just listen if you like.
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Old 08-23-2009, 09:41 PM
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I think your inner strength is just fine Jade
I think it's maybe your pride at work here....

Addiction is not the same as weakness - but most of us see it that way and try to fight it to the death.

We want to win....and vanquish the foe.

You fight and struggle endlessly and, sooner or later, you'll get tired....or before that, you even may have a few 'wins' and you'll get complacent - either way chances are you'll be back at square one.

The way to really kick butt here is to *accept* your addiction - and accept you need do *everything* you can to learn how to deal with it, and learn a better way of life...

the best way to learn is from others who've been there, and yhe best way to maximise your chances of success is to reach out and get help.

so...keep posting here, get your behind on a seat at a meeting, get some numbers to call, don't pick up a drink...and start to kick some serious butt

D
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Old 08-24-2009, 01:21 AM
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It's a real shame you won't go into a meeting, with a few months of not drinking it would be a great time to go...

I just hope you think a bit about statements like and since the moment he left I have been trying to talk myself into drinking....... Do you not see how crazy that sounds? How are you going to keep this up by yourself?

People tried to help me when i did my 5 months of not drinking and i was the same so i guess we all have to go our own way...this could be the year for you though:-)
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