Thread: Loss and the grief process in recovery
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Old 08-20-2009, 11:33 AM
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Mattcake
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T. Great post. You'll get the math down, there's no doubt in my mind lol.

Here's my list. It's probably incomplete, though. I did add the gains that replaced the losses.

1. Expectations, hopes and beliefs.
I’ve never had grand expectations for my life. The only hope/dream I had as a teenager was to have a peaceful life with my BF. When he left, I spiraled out of control and into addiction. That’s how it all started in the first place.
Strangely, during my active addiction, my belief system changed for the better. I can’t really explain how that happened but, as my beliefs changed, I started realizing that I wanted to recover, and eventually sought help.

2. Self-esteem.
My self-esteem suffered some. Deep down, though, even when I was drinking 24/7, I always knew my strengths. Drinking didn’t shame me, or make me feel guilty - just angry and depressed. I’ve never felt better or superior to others, but I do struggle with my ego, as I still seek outside approval – if anything, I tend to feel inferior to others. I’m slowly learning to just be myself, accepting myself as I am.

3. Parts of self, other than self-esteem
I completely lost my sanity, lol. I became an anxious, panicky, depressed mess. This has improved a lot, though.
I also lost touch with spirituality… and I still feel disconnected My mind is still getting in the way.

4. Lifestyle
This was completely lost. My friends, outings, jobs, romantic and other interests, hobbies all went sailing out the window. The only thing I didn’t lose outright is my family life, but addiction did take its toll on it too. This aspect is still pretty much on hold, as I’m on a “Back to Basics” plan, where going to the movies isn’t a priority. I’m trying to rebuild myself inside out, and trying to help others along the way, in whatever small way I can.

5. Instant altered state of consciousness and/or pain relief (the alcohol or the drug or the adrenaline high)
I lost the artificial, dangerous, destructive lull of alcohol. Good riddance. Hopefully this will be replaced with a natural sense of calmness.

6. Past unexperienced relationships.
This one is extremely painful for me. Via addiction, I let possibilities go by; many, many loose acquaintances that never became friends… And two people whom I would have really liked to get romantically involved with. One of them is gone forever. The other one disappeared from my life (where are you? I’m looking for you). I chose alcohol over them.
On the plus side, during early recovery, I made a conscious effort to connect with my newborn niece. Her birth sealed my commitment to sobriety; she changed everything, and I feel indebted to her. I’ll be ***** if I let booze get in the way of being present for her, both as an uncle and a source of unconditional love.

7. Past incompleted developmental stages.
I’ve always suffered from the Peter Pan syndrome, so no news in this department. My 20s are a blur – I also sobered up to a man’s body. Working on this, I’ll catch up.

8. Past ungrieved losses and traumas.
To be completely honest, I haven’t come to terms with losing my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want him back, but remembering him still hurts a lot. How does one get over people?

Feels like I did grieve actual losses as they happened (grandparents, friends, pets etc)… to the best of my ability, anyway. I’m at peace with these losses. I’m also finally at peace with certain traumatic events that scarred me pretty badly when they happened.

9. Changes in current relationships.
No losses here, only gains Rebuilding bridges.

10. Threats of future loss.
Barring tragedy, or “natural” losses, I honestly don’t think I have much else to lose at this point. I have hope, and I’m holding on to it.
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