Mattcake

As part of my recovery, I'm using the "Healing the Child Within" series by Charles Whitfield. The author draws his ideas from his clinical experience with recovering alcoholics and addicts - he advocates using AA and spirituality.

He has identified several losses in alcoholism, addiction and co-dependence; these losses usually arise as a sense of pain that cannot always be fully explained or put into words. According to him, in recovery there is always an underlying process of grief that must be addressed as such.

Quote:

Some losses in Alcoholism, Chemical Dependence, Co-dependence, and Adult Children of Alcoholics and or Dysfunctional Families:

1. Expectations, hopes and beliefs.
2. Self-esteem.
3. Parts of self, other than self-esteem
4. Lifestyle
5. Instant altered state of consciousness and/or pain relief (the alcohol or the drug or the adrenaline high)
6. Past unexperienced relationships.
7. Past incompleted developmental stages.
8. Past ungrieved losses and traumas.
9. Changes in current relationships.
10. Threats of future loss.

From Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for ACOA - Updated Edition. Whitfield C. 1989, 2007

Not everyone experiences *all* of those losses, and the list may be incomplete, but I still definitelt wanted to pass on this info, as I think it could be useful for anyone in recovery. I can definitely relate to many of these losses, and, though working through them is painful, it feels necessary. I recommend these books, they may sound cliched and cheesy 90s, but they are actually very enlightening.

Dee74

I think I experienced all those, Matt....and the associated grief.
The good news of course tho is we get many of these 'losses' back

Thanks for posting these - I'll have to search out Whitfield sometime
D

Mattcake

Thanks for the comment, Dee That gives me hope. I'm in the - scary lol- process of identifying these losses, and allowing myself to grieve them. Deep down I do believe that nothing is ever truly lost, but rather the "losses" simply become something else - what, I don't know. Though I've seen this happen in small areas of my life, it's mostly theory at this point. I want to change that, though, to make recovery meaningful, and to see what comes out of it... if that makes any sense.

Hugs!

Anna

Matt, it's good that you're going through this.

I went through something very similar by Robert Burney. It was a kind of step by step program on how to reconnect with and to love your inner child. It was essential for me as part of my recovery because I had so much anger and resentment. And, the message I got from Robert Burney was that we CAN heal.

Dee74

The way it happened for me Matt - I regained some 'losses' related to self esteem and self, expectations, hopes, lifestyle....

the other things I've irrevocably lost I've at least learnt a lesson or three from - and that contributes to me being somehow a 'better' person - more appreciative of what I do have and, hopefully, less likely to make the same mistakes again

D

Aysha

Wow..That list hits close.

May I break it down in my experience? I hope you dont mind. It may be long. And I hope I dont misinterpret any of it.

1. Expectations, hopes and beliefs.
I never in a million years ever thought I would go the path I did. Even when I was just smoking pot. I still took care of business. I never knew what "street life" was. I got schooled fast and hard. And it sucked me in so fast. I was suppose to go to college. Have a carreer. Be "normal. I was to do great things despite my little "harmless" partying as a teen. All I became was a street rat and a drug addicted prostitute. Sry if that is very blint. But thats the reality of it. But things can and are changing. That does not define me. I made bad choices for a very long time. I lost myself. But am really finding me for the first time in so long here lately.

2. Self-esteem
I was always really quiet and shy. I got picked on alot as a kid because of my race. I experienced alot of racism and it really hurt. It confused me and it scared me. I hated having these slanted eyes and flat face. Now it is my best feature. I could never talk in front of groups of people. I guess I did learn confidance and this may sound weird. but I gained alot of self esteem throguh my arrogance as an addict. I am glad I have carried that confidence with me into recovery. I am very outgoing now and not afraid to be my natural goofy, silly self. I starit dont care if people think I am weird or stupid anymore.

3. Parts of self, other than self-esteem
I guess what I lost most was self worth. My morals and dignity. I sacrificed my morals more ways than I can count. Some of those sacrifices will forever have changed me in a negative way. For example..Intimacy. It completely freaks me out to think of having a real relationship with anyone. I still need to work past crossing that line of ...HMMMM...selling myself. That has really affected me in a big way. I hope this isnt too graphic or detailed. I am just trying to be honest here. I am not ashamed really. It all has made me who I am today. I cant be ashamed of who I was if I am to ever be who I need and want to be.

4. Lifestyle
I was such a social person growing up. even tho I was really shy. I had alot of friends and was always hanging out and doing things. Once my using turned into an addiction. I isolated from all my friends and made new street aquaintances. I am recently reconnecting with quite a few of them lately. I traded a lifestyle of a regular teen/ young adult. For one of a lonely self destructive loner.


5. Instant altered state of consciousness and/or pain relief (the alcohol or the drug or the adrenaline high)
I really dont understnad this one fully as a loss. Only as a gain. Maybe I am not getting it.

6. Past unexperienced relationships
I have met alot of people in the years I ran the streets. Some I really wish I had met under other circumstances. But it is what it is. I cant change it. But I can move on. I was always unexperienced when I met most of my long time "friends" out there.

7. Past incompleted developmental stages
I am experiencing this right now with school. I missed out on so much. I let drugs rob me of the basic life skills and mental, emotional growth that is needed. I am very immature. I am finding it hard to do basic mathematical problems. Yea..I have alot of work ahead of me on this one.


8. Past ungrieved losses and traumas.
I lost a pregnancy in 96. In never really fully got over that. I just went wild to cover the pain. My mom being missing since I was 5. I stoppped obsessing when I found drugs. My gramps dieing in 2003. I am still dealing with that deep down. I was a complete mess then. That was at the height of my use.

9. Changes in current relationships.
I think my relationships are changing for the better here lately. But I have had my share of loss in the past. My father. Many years spent hating and fighting with my gramps. Strained relationship with my everyoen else. I am so grateful they all stood by me. And that my grams never gave up on me.

10. Threats of future loss
My biggest fear. Something I cant even fathom in my mind. I cant even begin to imagine what it is going to be like. I am still not sure if I will recover when it happens. At least I am not in that mind set of purposly ODing on the grave when it does happen anymore. Crazy right? My grams passing. I am absolutely petrified of that day. I cant even think about it.

I hope I understood that list right. And I hope yall didnt mind me sgaring like that. It just really stood out that list.

Thx matty for posting it. It gave alot to reflect on.

But despite all that loss. Its no secret here..Because I have so ecstatic about this huge turning point in my life. That all of that is changing. Its like a domino effect. It really is. It all strts with me. And once I got my head out of my a$$. And actually started making efforts to better myself. Alot has just followed and fallen into place.
I mean just everything. I am not afraid anymore. I am not ashamed. I am not confused. Excpet for that dam math!!! LOL But I am going to be ok. I just know it.

Mattcake

T. Great post. You'll get the math down, there's no doubt in my mind lol.

Here's my list. It's probably incomplete, though. I did add the gains that replaced the losses.

1. Expectations, hopes and beliefs.
I’ve never had grand expectations for my life. The only hope/dream I had as a teenager was to have a peaceful life with my BF. When he left, I spiraled out of control and into addiction. That’s how it all started in the first place.
Strangely, during my active addiction, my belief system changed for the better. I can’t really explain how that happened but, as my beliefs changed, I started realizing that I wanted to recover, and eventually sought help.

2. Self-esteem.
My self-esteem suffered some. Deep down, though, even when I was drinking 24/7, I always knew my strengths. Drinking didn’t shame me, or make me feel guilty - just angry and depressed. I’ve never felt better or superior to others, but I do struggle with my ego, as I still seek outside approval – if anything, I tend to feel inferior to others. I’m slowly learning to just be myself, accepting myself as I am.

3. Parts of self, other than self-esteem
I completely lost my sanity, lol. I became an anxious, panicky, depressed mess. This has improved a lot, though.
I also lost touch with spirituality… and I still feel disconnected My mind is still getting in the way.

4. Lifestyle
This was completely lost. My friends, outings, jobs, romantic and other interests, hobbies all went sailing out the window. The only thing I didn’t lose outright is my family life, but addiction did take its toll on it too. This aspect is still pretty much on hold, as I’m on a “Back to Basics” plan, where going to the movies isn’t a priority. I’m trying to rebuild myself inside out, and trying to help others along the way, in whatever small way I can.

5. Instant altered state of consciousness and/or pain relief (the alcohol or the drug or the adrenaline high)
I lost the artificial, dangerous, destructive lull of alcohol. Good riddance. Hopefully this will be replaced with a natural sense of calmness.

6. Past unexperienced relationships.
This one is extremely painful for me. Via addiction, I let possibilities go by; many, many loose acquaintances that never became friends… And two people whom I would have really liked to get romantically involved with. One of them is gone forever. The other one disappeared from my life (where are you? I’m looking for you). I chose alcohol over them.
On the plus side, during early recovery, I made a conscious effort to connect with my newborn niece. Her birth sealed my commitment to sobriety; she changed everything, and I feel indebted to her. I’ll be ***** if I let booze get in the way of being present for her, both as an uncle and a source of unconditional love.

7. Past incompleted developmental stages.
I’ve always suffered from the Peter Pan syndrome, so no news in this department. My 20s are a blur – I also sobered up to a man’s body. Working on this, I’ll catch up.

8. Past ungrieved losses and traumas.
To be completely honest, I haven’t come to terms with losing my ex-boyfriend. I don’t want him back, but remembering him still hurts a lot. How does one get over people?

Feels like I did grieve actual losses as they happened (grandparents, friends, pets etc)… to the best of my ability, anyway. I’m at peace with these losses. I’m also finally at peace with certain traumatic events that scarred me pretty badly when they happened.

9. Changes in current relationships.
No losses here, only gains Rebuilding bridges.

10. Threats of future loss.
Barring tragedy, or “natural” losses, I honestly don’t think I have much else to lose at this point. I have hope, and I’m holding on to it.

tallcactus

:ghug3 to U both. Thanks Matt and Ayash.
Great shares, love the honestly.
Congrads to both of U.

box3

I really love this thread. thank you.

1. Expectations, hopes and beliefs.
I always expect myself to do well. I'm a perfectionist and I did the addiction thing well, too well!

2. Self-esteem.
I have a lot of shame and guilt that I need to work through. My self-esteem is increasing now that I'm not drinking and I can honestly recognise the hard work I'm putting in. No one can take that away from me.

3. Parts of self, other than self-esteem
I grieve for my health, both physical and mental.

4. Lifestyle
I don't know about this one.

5. Instant altered state of consciousness and/or pain relief (the alcohol or the drug or the adrenaline high)
I miss the oblivion.

6. Past unexperienced relationships.
I don't know about this one. I've always 'experienced' my relationships.

7. Past incompleted developmental stages.
In a lot of ways I'm still growing up. I figure I'm emotionally around 16.

8. Past ungrieved losses and traumas.
I have abuse issues from my childhood that I'm only now beginning to approach. I have a lot of anger, loss and grief, both from sexual molestation at age three and from living with an alcoholic and (at the time) emotionally abusive mother. I had to be the parent and I mourn my childhood and the safety I should have felt growing up.

9. Changes in current relationships.
My partner has addiction issues, and I grieve for our wild alcohol fueled evenings. In reality however, alcohol is just a barrier to intimacy. I feel somewhat detached from his addiction issues and can only hope my example will help him to face his own. We don't live together, so I have a lot of space.

10. Threats of future loss.
I'm worried about not being able to join in with my friends having a drink at a gig, etc. Many of the activities I share with my friends involve alcohol. This all needs to change. I need to find better coping strategies for my social anxiety other than avoidance and alcohol.

Aysha

I want to touch on something here real fast. It has to do with self esteem I guess.
Up until I became a full blown stret addict. I was he shyest most quiet girl. Everyones parents loved me and thought I was such a good girl because of it. LOL. Also I guess from all the peer abuse and racism I went through had me socially on edge. I was always obsessing what everyone thought of me. Second guessing everything.
But once you become what I became. All that went right out th window.
The transition back into normal living and normal interactions with normal people was a little rough at first. Not only was I relearning how NOT to act like an ignorant maniac. But I had to relearn how to act right and respectful again. I spent all of my 20's running the streets and actin a fool that all I ever did was act liek and addict and a criminal. My whole mentality transformed into that. I swear I lost all knowledge of being human.
I see alot of people dtruggle with confidence and self esteem an social acceptance. Especially when they stop drinking or using.
I was fortunate enough to have turned my monsterous addict ego into acceptable confidence. In order to be able to function and interact normally with the rest of the world.
Also once I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. And got it stuck in my head that noone has to know or does know about the old me. I can mold myself and present myself in the respectful way I want to be seen. Alot of that social anxiety came from my own perceptions of myself.
Plus I am just down right silly most of the time. I dont care what anyone thinks about me really. I like to be goofy and dance around and sing and crack jokes. So thats the real me. That has always been me. Even way before the drugs. I am just not afraid to be me anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I want to be honest and let people know where I have come from in my life. Honestly most of them would be like..Yea right. LOL
I dont come off as someone who has done the things I have for all those years. I may just want to see what the shock value of it looks like. LOL
No..But seriously. I want to be proud of my efforts. But at the same time. Not everypone is so forgiving and understanding. Alot of people, even after getting to know may hear that and completely change their view of you. I am not ready for that kind of risk yet. Plus if someone were to make some disrespectful comments or talk about me all over. I would probably snap on them.
Anyway. I am going to stop rambling.
this is a very interesting topic. I am intersted to see iff anyone else wants to share in listing their own experiences with this list.

sfgirl

I actually have a very different take on this list. Grief and loss seemed to be a big part of my recovery process. However, it was mainly surrounding the loss of alcohol and the experiences surrounding alcohol which involved positive and negative experiences. I really did go through a grieving process, one that I felt almost not in control of, that had many stages, lots of reliving, swings towards wanting to go back out and feelings of utter disgust at memories being brought up, but ultimately letting go.

When I read that list by Whitfield it didn't really speak to me because I don't know how to mourn something that has never been a part of my actual reality. I can't mourn what could have been. Actually, I used to mourn what could have been or what I thought should have been all the time when I was drinking. I was consistently depressed about things I thought should be going on in my life. I wanted to control my reality. Recovery has been so much about learning to be in the moment and relinquishing that control over reality.

However, I definitely have spent a substantial amount of time feeling pain that I had previously pushed out with alcohol. This had been usually about events in my life that had actually happened, like the way my parents have been, sexual abuse issues, men issues, etc. I realize that somehow even though much in my life has been deferred I don't have a lot of feeling about that.