hiya weasel,
G (my partner) told me once that he didn't like being sober because it made him "so aware of things". Now of course I love it when he's sober but his comment was a revelation to me...he doesn't like being sober!! How weird, I thought. I always thought it was a good thing to be aware of things but he thinks in a totally different way and I have to accommodate that somehow. He gave me this long list of excuses that he gives himself to drink and they were to my mind totally irrelevent, but they're not irrelevent to him. It's a difficult thing, living with an alcoholic. You have to make many compromises and you find yourself giving and giving and giving and getting not much in return. G drinks so much and he knows it makes me sad and he knows he could be pushing me out the door but he still does it. I also like it when he sleeps. I always think to myself well, at least he's sleeping and not drinking.
Bottom line is, your love for your hubby is incredibly strong and whether you like it or not, he will test that love to the limit as I'm sure you know. You have openness in your marriage and that's great but his recovery is his, and his alone. You have to concentrate on your own recovery and the stronger you become for yourself, the stronger you will be for him.
One day at a time
((((((Weasel4IR)))))
HugZ
Sandra