Together we will get through this!

Old 05-22-2004, 08:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Together we will get through this!

Hello everybody,

I would like to introduce myself, I am tryinagain's wife and very proud to be too! We have had a very tough road since we met that one August day back in 1997. We met in an AOL chat room and I decided to fly out to see him, everything went fine I never really noticed that he drank that much or had a problem with it. Finally I moved to where he lived and then I started to see a lot of changes, like cases of beer being drank in a days times and him needing more. Now here it is 2004 and we are still together and stronger than we were in 1997, he has made the decision to quit drinking.

He quit a couple of times cold turkey and the first time he lasted 30 days then came home one day with a case, all I could think of is oh no here we go again. I really liked it when he was off the stuff. Now the second time he quit cold turkey he lasted a little over 2 months, but this time I was loosing him, he was so absorbed in his work that we barely ever even talked to each other, we went to bed at different times, you get the picture.

As time went on his anger and frustration just built up, then one day he just lost it and flipped out. You know the guy you cut off on the interstate and then the guy chases you down because you did it, well that was him!

He has now finally decided to seek help in quitting this stuff, the help professionsal's told him "you never want to quit cold turkey" turns out it is very dangerous and he is lucky to be alive today. All the people on this site have been a God send to us both. I just recently started to post here.

Now that everything is on the table as he puts it, he has given me his blessings on posting here, I even invite him to read my posts. I want to thank all the people that have helped him and all the people that have helped me on this site.

My problem is that I really don't know what he is going through mentally, I have never drank and I want to understand what happens when someone quits. Is there something I should be doing or not doing, I just don't know and I don't want to do the wrong thing here. I love my husband so much, it kills me to see him go through so much pain and suffering. Right now he is staying on his routine per doctors orders and they are going to give him meds to get through this next month. The doctors warned him not to do this cold turkey again.

I am here for him now and always, it was hard during the time that he was in denial. I heard so many reasons as to why he drank but just could not understand any of them, why would someone want to have a hangover everyday. He said it was so he didn't have to feel any pain, the pain being from his past.

We have talked many hours and I know almost everything that ever happened to him in his life. All I want to do is help him not control him, I know this is very long winded so I will end this with a big thank you for reading my post and giving me any help that you can!

Hugs to all of you
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 05-22-2004, 08:56 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hello Weasel and welcome.

I am happy that you are trying to work through this together and hope that this time works better for him and for you. We don't really have the answeres to your questions about how this works for him, but we have lots of love and support here for how this works for you.

Take a read around and you will see that addiction and alcoholism are diseases that affects the entire family, and most of us are here because someone we love is addicted (for me it was my son). We learn how to maintain our balance, regardless of how they are doing, and we learn new healthier behaviours, and most importantly we learn that we cannot control whether they drink or don't drink, it's simply out of our hand. We can't love them into quitting, it's something they have to decide to do for themselves and then work their own recovery program to stay sober.

You have told us a lot about him, but how about telling us about you as well, and how you are doing with all this. We're here and we care and we're happy to have you join us on our journey.

Hugs
Ann
Ann is offline  
Old 05-23-2004, 11:51 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Unhappy About me

Hi Ann,
That's a fair question, what about me and how am I handling all of this! Somedays I handle it just fine but other days I feel as though I am having a nervous breakdown! The weekdays are much better than the weekends, he does'nt drink as much during the week but the weekends look out.

Between him and my stepdaughter's problems I have to try to keep my sanity and sometimes I don't do that so well. I would like to crawl under a rock someday's and never come out. I am going to the same place that my husband will be going to and my stepdaughter is currently going to, I really need to talk to someone badly. There are so many things that I am confused about.

I know that you can't love the drinking away, but I wish he could understand that the drinking just pushes me closer to the door some days. I so want to work this out but it is so darn hard some days. I hate being yelled at, I went through a childhood of that so when someone yells at me I just shut down. In turn that causes yet another fight. He is pushing both his daughter and me away with his drinking, I really hate beer and I hate buying it for him, but there again if I don't, get ready for a fight that I don't want to have.

I just want it all to stop, I don't want him to do it for us but for him, being able to come on here and express how I feel does make me feel better. I just hope that he is really going to follow through with this like he said he is. Going to the doctor is the first real big step for him, and getting meds for it is an even bigger one.

He doesn't admit that he is drunk when I know he is and that really bothers me a lot, is that the denial part on his part? He has admitted that he is an alcoholic but he is so relaxed about it. Am I the one with the problem here, why can't I just chill out and be happy he is still living and breathing? I am so angry that he just won't or can't slow the amount of beer's he drinks down to just a few, I don't want to be angry about this, all it does is cause conflict and more stress in the house.

You know I am almost happy when he is sleeping, like right now! At least he is not drinking anymore beer!

Hugs to all of you that are helping me through this
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 05-23-2004, 08:10 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: nj
Posts: 10
Hello,

I am new to the website and like it. I have the same feelings like yours, and so as many others here. I really need help too.

I have know my drunk boyfriend for about 21 months, similar to what happened to you, and things are getting worse. During the time I helped him find out that he has many physical and mental problems. You name it, diabetes, bi-polar, low platelet counts, liver disease (of course)... He is only 32, and gained 50 pounds to almost 300 while I lost 5 punds to only 102 lbs. He went to rehab twice since November of last year and just did the detox again a month ago, and did cold-turkey at least five times, but he achieved being sober for no more than two months. I used to be a medical doctor and I can see that he can die any time, either from hyperglucemia, coma, heart-attack, or simply alcohol. As you can see my posting just now, I tried, at the last attempt, using Anabuse in his meal. The only thing I will do next is not to hear from him again. He is simply stubbon! He lost his job recently, lost his health, loosing me soon, I don't know where is his bottom!

We all have our own needs to be met; we also care about others. I heard of enabling for over a year, but it's only recently that I realized that what I did, taking him to psychiatrist/psychologists, lending money to him, taking care of him and his dogs when he was sick, making him feel good when he feels depressed, etc, is typical enabling. But again it is difficult not to do it. We don't want alcohol to take his life away so we keep trying. And, of course, he is able to drink again because his sickness was taken care of.

Is there anything that I have not done to help him and myself? Thanks for helping me through this.
imfedup is offline  
Old 05-24-2004, 06:23 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lorelai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Weasel -
I'm so happy that you decided to post in the Al-Anon forum. You'll find comfort and help here - everyone is wonderful. I've been reading tryinagain's posts on the newcomers board for a while & have been pulling for him. He obviously wants to get help and that is a great start.
I've learned that the only thing I can do to help my H is to help myself. It's like on the airlines when the flight attendent says to put your oxygen mask on and then help your children with their's. It's impossible to help someone else when you're gasping for air.
I'm glad you're here and send you (((hugs))).

imfedup - Welcome to you. You can help yourself by taking care of you. Do something special just for you today and see how good you feel. You're doing a great thing coming here - you'll find a lot of support from some wonderful people.
(Hugs) - L
Lorelai is offline  
Old 05-24-2004, 08:02 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
McKrazy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
"It's like on the airlines when the flight attendent says to put your oxygen mask on and then help your children with their's. It's impossible to help someone else when you're gasping for air."

What an incredible word picture!!!! That says it all, I think! Thanks!
Pam
McKrazy is offline  
Old 05-25-2004, 04:09 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
bookworm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 146
hiya weasel,
G (my partner) told me once that he didn't like being sober because it made him "so aware of things". Now of course I love it when he's sober but his comment was a revelation to me...he doesn't like being sober!! How weird, I thought. I always thought it was a good thing to be aware of things but he thinks in a totally different way and I have to accommodate that somehow. He gave me this long list of excuses that he gives himself to drink and they were to my mind totally irrelevent, but they're not irrelevent to him. It's a difficult thing, living with an alcoholic. You have to make many compromises and you find yourself giving and giving and giving and getting not much in return. G drinks so much and he knows it makes me sad and he knows he could be pushing me out the door but he still does it. I also like it when he sleeps. I always think to myself well, at least he's sleeping and not drinking.

Bottom line is, your love for your hubby is incredibly strong and whether you like it or not, he will test that love to the limit as I'm sure you know. You have openness in your marriage and that's great but his recovery is his, and his alone. You have to concentrate on your own recovery and the stronger you become for yourself, the stronger you will be for him.
One day at a time
((((((Weasel4IR)))))
HugZ
Sandra
bookworm is offline  
Old 05-26-2004, 09:41 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: nj
Posts: 10
Sandra,

I have exactly the same feelings as yours, and I believe so do many others involved with a drunk. I am making a decision to leave him. It's tough and sad, but I have to do it, otherwise I will lose my own health, my job, and future. It is not easy to change my attitude and response to his drinking, as much as he cannot change his behavior. Together we will make each other worse. He recognized he has a problem a long time ago and constantly said that he will not do it again, but he is still drinking. So no matter how bad or good he will become without me, it will be irrelevant. There is something deep down there (genes, brain chemical, childhood experience, etc) that nobody, even themselves, cannot change and have to deal with it all their live. It's painful to go through this with them.

I've been to Al-Anon and AA several times, it's amazing to find that there are so many like us sticking with an alcoholic for so long! I heard that nine out of ten women will stay with an alcoholic, but one out of ten men will do so. Have we set limits?
imfedup is offline  
Old 05-26-2004, 07:27 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Red face Interesting that you say that!

Hey Sandra,
My husband say's that very same thing, "so aware of things". But the thing with my AH is that he goes in to work mode and is non stop work and has a hard time separating home from work when he is not drinking, so he stays in the work mode. Wierd I thought, but what do I know I don't really know what he is going through when he quits drinking. We have had a quite a few really awesome days, he has been on meds lately from his Phyc. and he is doing really well.

He is still drinking beer but, he is backing himself off of it by on less every night, so when he goes to the Doctors next month he will be ready to quit drinking with the help of more meds. He has my full support, I love my hubby so darn much, all I want to do is see him get better.

Having him and my stepdaughter happier has made a huge difference in my life too, my nerves were so shot, and now they are finally calming down.

Hiya, Lorelai, I am going to be going over to the same place that my hubby & stepdaugher go to talk to someone because you are right I need to help me to help them, my stepdaughter is doing a lot better to now days. She is much happier and she is really glad to see her dad and I wanting to get better too!

Hug to all of you
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 05-27-2004, 07:00 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lorelai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Weasel -
So glad you're taking care of YOU and so happy you're posting with us. It's such a relief for me to know that, no matter what my H chooses to do, I'll be OK. A relief to know that my happiness is not in the hands of Anheuser Busch.
Keep working - things will get better for both of you.
Hugs - L
Lorelai is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 05:28 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Unhappy What a horrible night

Hi all,
Last night I think Hell made it into my home! My husband decided not to take his meds because he did not like the way they make him feel and OMG what a night we had. He got a bullet out and was strongly thinking about just ending it all, then he came at me out of nowhere. It was really wierd the night started off pretty good then just went downhill from there.

I am so lost in all of this and confused, he tells me all I do is complain about my ailments going on with myself. They are not my fault and I don't mean to do it but I guess in his mind I do. Now his daughter has a different outlook on that situation, I have listened to him about his past childhood and his exwife for a good 7 years now mostly on a daily basis.

Is it so wrong to think I had someone I could talk to, my husband who I thought I could spill anything to and not be judged! Well I guess I was wrong, I am so close to just shutting down completly it is scaring me. I told him to go and get somebody younger that does not have any problems and he said I might just take you up on that offer, what's that all about? Does a person just give up because it gets a little rough with there partner?

I am going to go over to the clinic and try to get accepted as a new patient today, they have a form that has to be filled out to see if you really need to talk to someone. I am having thoughts of just driving my Jeep off the nearest bridge I can find, I can't take this anymore. Somedays are okay and others OMG why and how did we get here anyway!!

I am so sad right now, and he just got up this morning like nothing happenend last night, right before he left he told me to have a good day! I have to ask myself is there such a thing anymore "a good day" hmmm let me think about that. I actually had an awesome day at work but then I come home and whamo good feeling gone!

Thanks for listening to me babble once again, love you all!

Hugs from Weasel :cries2:
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 05-28-2004, 06:04 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lorelai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
((Weasel)))
What a night! I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this and I know how you feel - horrible night and then, the next day, they want to pretend nothing happened.

I found that, when I started my own recovery, my H did anything he could to distract me. He wanted me back to worrying about him and his problems. He wanted me back under his control. He pointed out all of the problems with me, he threatened to find somebody else, on and on. He was trying to suck me back in.

After a while, as I got better, he saw that wasn't going to work and starting looking at the situation in a different way. It wasn't any fun but I refused to go backwards. I had found too much hope for myself and I was taking this journey - with him or without him.

Keep hanging in there. It will get better - I promise. We'll figure it out together.
L
Lorelai is offline  
Old 06-02-2004, 07:56 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Back On The Wagon Again!

Hi all,
Well, my husband has had enough of being sick and smelling like stale beer, having his co-workers comment on his odor. He has been going through detox symtoms at work and is down right tired of it.

I will support him however long it takes him to do this, he is not mean to me, ocassionally verbally abusive when he has had to much beer for that night, at least he is working on it and that is what counts in my mind.

He is not perfect and no one for that matter is and as far as normal I don't even think that exists period! I will be going through the stages with him once again, the anger, the stress, the anxiety, the everything is getting on my nerves and even the no I can't sleep right now. That is okay though I am strong and so is our marriage, it will withstand it, we have been through far worse than this, and this to will pass in time.

Love for my husband goes much deeper than just making sure he is okay when he detox's, our love is deep and special and that is why I know in my heart that we will be just fine, in time. He calls me his and to me that is so special, so special that words cannot explain.

We love and adore you all for all your support, so in closing
a big to all of you.

P.S. if it gets to hairy around here I will just act like a and read a book so he can have the space that he needs.

My love, prayers and hugs go out to all of you here on SR!!!
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 06-07-2004, 05:27 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Where did everybody go!!!

Hi y'all,
Well, my hubby came a hair away from loosing his job today, yes he fell off the wagon! He made a judement call that was not in his best interest but it was in the company's best, so needless to say he is still there.

He loves his job very much, but sometimes things backfire and he just didn't see that possibility through all the beer he had. I did but hey, he had to find out for himself.

I will forever support him and love him, I am not going to go evil on him what good would that do the family anyway!! I feel like you have all abandoned me, I mean where did all the support go here anyway!!!

I will always do my dance no matter what happens, I am trying to stay positive here.

Hope to here from somebody,
Hugs & prayers to all of you!!!
Penelope
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 06-07-2004, 06:55 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
McKrazy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: black diamond WA
Posts: 203
we're here, sorry, I've been gone all day, and to be honest..... I'm a bit under the weather, as it sounds, have you? Sorry for falling off trip, that almost sounds good to me as we've never been on the wagon, LOL, but can imagine that it must feel a bit like free falling, wondering where the ground is? Take care, and know even in our silence, we are all pretty much always thinking of eachother. It's amazing how this "family" is in my everyday life and I feel like the relationships are just as real and important and substantial as any others I have. I care about you!
Pam
McKrazy is offline  
Old 06-07-2004, 07:37 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
I Feel Better Now!

Thanks Pam,
I was really starting to feel like nobody cared anymore, this is tough watching him quit, start etc..... But coming close to loosing his dream job is what I would clasify as almost hitting bottom.

We are not the richest folks and we do have our money issues but we hang together on them and try like heck not to fight about it anymore, does no good to fight about what you can't really control. But, we do need our jobs especially his!

It seems I ride the wagon with him I am here to see his ups and downs and it can really hurt at times, but he knows what he did was wrong and that he crossed the line at work and it won't happen again. A lot of people say sure it won't but even his boss says that he learns from his mistakes and I believe he does, Otherwise he would be in the unemployment line today!

Thanks for concidering me part of the family that means more to me than words can say.

In closing I would have to say that I am his section of the homelife right now. His daugher is caught up in her own little world and you know how teenagers can be, don't get me wrong she loves him but you know the teenage drama with friends and ya know Prom night is coming up on Friday!

But anayway Pam, thanks for your kind words and support I hope I hear from some more of the family in here at SR, it does help me in so many ways!

Hugs to all of you, love you all,
Penelope

P.S. DangerousDan where are you when I need you the most, lol your humor is the best to cheer up anybody
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 06-08-2004, 06:09 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lorelai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Weasel -
Sorry you're having a hard time. I know what you mean about "seeming like I'm riding the wagon with him". You don't have to, you know. You can still love him and support him without going on that ride with him.

I know it may sound impossible (I know it did to me) but it is possible because I am doing it. Your happiness does not have to rest with a twelve pack. You are your own person, you are important and you deserve to be happy whether he is drinking or not.
Hugs - L
Lorelai is offline  
Old 06-08-2004, 09:43 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Red face Doing good so far!

Hey everybody,
So far so good, he has a real good mindset for this and very determined, he was so sweet that he took me to my MRI for my c-spine MRI tonight. I won't find out the results for a few days. I will let y'all know, I hope the news is good.

My left shoulder has a really bad pinched nerve in it and he is getting tired of me hurting all the time but darn it is not my fault I got this.

I am just hanging in there and taking it one day at a time and being very patient with him and trying to give him his space and time. I sucks that he has to go through the detox again but he is trying to have a good attitude about the whole thing, wich is a good thing.

Anyway, it's getting late and my shoulder is killing me right now, so I am off to bed now.

Take care everybody, love y'all,
Penelope
Weasel4IR is offline  
Old 06-09-2004, 06:29 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lorelai's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Penelope -
Hope everything turns out OK with your shoulder. Get some rest and eat some ice cream. That's my RX for everything.
L
Lorelai is offline  
Old 06-09-2004, 08:49 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
KingsWeaver, We Are One
Thread Starter
 
Weasel4IR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In tryinagain's heart
Posts: 103
Jackhammer in the ear, lol

Hi Lorelai,
I had the C-Spine MRI last, wow if you have never had one, it sounds like a jackhammer in your ear, thank God for earplugs that they gave me.

I hurt like but I got through the day, just gritted my teeth and plugged on. I go back to the doctor on the 25th of this month to find out the results.

My husband is worried and so am I, the pain gets unbearable at times but I am a wimpy cookie, lol I will get through this too!

Thanks for ALWAYS being there for me my new friend,
Hugs Lorelai you take care now!
Penelope :AR15firin this is the fun pain in my shoulder, lmao
Weasel4IR is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:43 AM.