I know it's tough, isn't it, jade? You start to feel good and it all seems like it's so easy. So easy that drinking would make it just a pinch better. But it never does for those of us who keep doing it over and over just as you say.
How do you put an end to the cycle of self destructive tendencies? That problem has to be solved by you alone because ultimately only you can make the decisions about your future based on your past. Only you can find the reasons for why you, jade, keep doing it over and over and over. My reasons are probably different than yours and so my solutions will be different than yours. All you can do is live and learn. Learn from your experiences and learn from others' as well. In time you'll find the solution that you need.
For me I was always seeking transcendence. The only way that I could find transcendence and escape my mysery was to drink. It's such a contradiction, though. I would be feeling good and so wanton of drink. But if I was feeling good then why drink? If I wasn't feeling the mysery then why drink? Oh the mind games I would play with myself. I still do. But I try new things when the old ones get stale.
Really, all we can do is to keep moving forward and searching for our answers. Keep trying new things, new ways of thinking, etc. One day you'll find something and you may say to yourself, "That's it! It all seems so simple now."
I hope that day comes soon for you and for every other person who suffers from a lack of that "one thing" or those "many things" if that be the case.