hb3

I have just stumbled across this site and it seems to be an interesting one with very resourceful people in membership. Therefore I deem you people worthy of giving advice one can appreciate and trust.

Of course, my question is alcohol related. I don't have the $$$ to seek professional opinion or help, but I figure who better to answer this question but those who have also dealt with it.

I want to know if I'm an alcoholic. Obviously, I am a problem drinker, since I'm here and asking this question, but being a problem drinker is an issue far less dangerous than being an alcoholic.


Here is a summary of what I've gone through:

I come from an Eastern European country, where alcoholism is a big part of culture and "manliness", and where there's a great lack of understanding and knowledge of it. So, there is lots of alcoholics around to give very bad examples from early age and lots of alcohol glorofication. By the age of 14-15 I felt as if drinking was not only just not bad, but in fact a very good thing that the "real" people do. I have had some alcoholism in family and extended family, namely my father, whom died of other causes when I was pretty much too young to know him, so I guess he can't be used as one of the examples. As for rest of alcoholism in extended family, I did not have much contact with them and wasn't around to witness it and have it serve as an example, but I find it important that I mention that yes I have got some of those alcoholic genes. I have drank alcohol when I was very young on a few occasions. I did not however engage into drinking until I was an "adult".

I moved to USA in my mid teens and by late teens, at the age of 19 I would say, I started going out and drinking. At first, for about 1-2 yrs, I had a limit of 4 drinks, some magic figure I had come up with. They were plenty and served the purpose. I would go out on weekends and get that euphoria off of those drinks. I can't exactly remember details of things and times, as I did quite a lot of partying, so it's a bit blurry, but at some point, probably late 20, I started drinking more. Once I got my ID and could do it legally and go out and party anywhere, then it really took off. I started drinking 2-3 times a week (note, always socially), and my tolerance had raised much. However, I was in great shape, I worked, I went to school, I had control. Yes, I drank at levels that are considered alcoholic, but I felt good and I had control over my mind.

I also started smoking marijuana at some point, around the age of 22 I would say. I smoked it some when I was 18-19 and stopped. However, in my 2nd stint smoking it, I was in a different mindset and I felt differently so it took a hold.

I had entered into a 3 yr relationship with a girl, from age 21-24. It was a very emotionally taxing relationship. It was hell, please don't make me go into details, you probably don't want to hear.. but it was just hell with the dragged out breakup and everything else. So I would eyeball to say that I started heavy drinking somewhere in the midst of it.. at the age of 23,5.. which would put my total abusive drinking tally at about 2-2,5 yrs.

Now you see, with my progression in drinking and in tolerance already, and then getting into an emotional mess and then starting to smoke weed, it all converged at the same time. I developed a severe depression from the combination of the breakup and smoking pot. I became more disinterested, distant, irritable, gloomy. And alcohol was that trustworthy friend I ran to every time I needed one. I would even drink while driving sometimes (I mean, having a can between my legs).

Interestingly enough, alcohol made me feel better (heh, now we're getting somewhere, eh!?). So my drinking went from a "controlled abuse" to a full blown abuse. I could drink 5-6 times a week. Things went ok though. I worked, I went to school, you know.. I attributed my problems to the heartbreak. However, with time, I felt better over that and I could analyze myself and see it, and yet I felt more depressed. Ever the scientist and philosopher, I figured what I was going through was not normal. I had messed up in school, I was constantly broke, I didn't care about things I cared about, I was very disinterested in everything, and I felt like sh*t. I never considered suicide, but I would think that people who commit suicide would go through same stages I would go through, and that my condition is serious.

This time I attributed most of my pains to marijuana. I knew of its depressive properties. Mind you, I was some late 24 yrs of age at this point. At this point, I would have drank abusively for about 3,5 yrs. It's a progression surely. I had graduated to drinking shots with beers to get that euphoric feeling, cuz.. who can get drunk off beer, eh? :-P I could literally drink as much as anyone. I also drank beers at home. I wouldn't drink at home to point of intoxication really, but I liked having them. Though, to give a point of perspective, it wasn't rare for me to go on my binge and to drink bah.. who knows.. 12 beers, 7-8 shots? At this point in time, I just couldn't be inside the house, I was always missing out on something, family was "not understanding", boss was an a-hole, etc etc etc. I only felt good when I would "get away from it all".

This was the very low point for me. I was absolutely messing up or had messed up in every area of my life. So, as I mentioned, I quit smoking marijuana blaming it for my depression. To be honest, after a couple of months i started feeling better mentally... but what happened was, I didn't stop drinking less, I started drinking even more.

At some point between age 25 and 25,5 I had seriously had it with feeling so bad all the time. I had been so depressed, guilty, insecure, you name it, for such a long time, that I practically gave up. I was tired of alcohol controlling my life. I was tired of hangovers, I finally saw alcohol had taken a hold of me, and I was into it serious. I had finally realized the seriousness of my relationship with alcohol. That's when the healing process started. I literally decided, I will not allow all these thoughts in my head to pain me anymore. Little did I know, that was the exact solution to the problem. I had studied a considerable amount of philosophy in my life, enough to have a favorite - Eastern philosophy. So I figured at this time it would come in handy to get into it more seriously. I have found from such studies that the exact thing and point where I decided I simply will refuse such my mind to pain me anymore, is exactly what the key to happiness is. We're very unhappy in life because our own thoughts constantly play tricks on us. Soon after putting a stop to my madness, I had finally been able to control my alcohol intake. In fact, I didn't like it much anymore. So, my total tally of drinking behavior that could be considered abusive, would be about 5 yrs. I had seen and noticed that I had a problem with it and am smart enough to know what happens but also to value my life, health, success, future.

Here I am, some 9-12 months removed from drinking heavily. I will still go out with people sometimes and drink, but now I experience it differently, I don't like it as much. I truly, honestly don't enjoy it much anymore. I am capable of controlling it, but also capable of getting drunk, which I have done here and there. My tolerance right now is far less than it was while I used to drink. I would say, my tolerance now is at about 40-50% of what it used to be. I am hardly capable of downing a shot of whiskey/tequila and I avoid them. If forced (I know it sounds stupid, I'm sorry) to take one, I opt for something not so liquory. I don't enjoy the old drinking buddies much either. I have nearly completely cut ties with everybody I knew back then. I feel as if I don't need anybody. I feel good too, it's not that lonely - I don't need anybody I want to be alone - no, it's that fulfilled, I am feeling perfectly fine and most people I have called friends in past are losers, I can get no stimulation from them. I would rather stay home, read a book, play a video game, or whatnot, than to spend time out with people whom I used to party it up all the time.


If you followed the entire story closely:

- I grew up in a society where alcohol is glorified and its dangers are nullified... so when I hit young adulthood, and started engaging into problematic drinking behavior, I didn't understand it was problematic at all

- I had felt terrible for 2-3 yrs due to several factors including alcohol

- I engaged into 5 yrs of abusive drinking (going by book of no binging more than 4 at once), which would be comprised of about 1 yr of moderately going over (like most people just turning 21 do), 2 yrs of abusive, and 2 yrs of very abusive.

- As soon as I stopped feeling depressed, I also changed my behavior and got my drinking under control

- I have never experienced a blackout (I have seen it associated with alcoholic drinkers)

- I have messed up in school and gotten a DUI.. although, the school thing can be attributed as much to marijuana as it can to alcohol.. however for the sake of being objective, marijuana use is also another red flag - I have smoked marijuana for about 1-1,5 yrs, seen the negative effects and quit. I quit marijuana 1-1,5 yrs before getting my drinking under control (I think it shows ability to correct bad behavior once I recognize it)

- I first considered myself a problem drinker, possibly 3 yrs into my "career", up until that point I didn't ever think of it as such and figured I was simply doing what everybody is and in a "stage"

So, here I am today, about to restart school in a month, feeling more calm and collected than ever in my life. However, I wonder, because I still do drink sometimes.. and I can't tell you the frequency of it since I don't either keep track of it, nor is it very frequent, let's just say I drink when I'm in situations where people are drinking. I feel as if that part of my life is over. I feel and KNOW deep within my being that I will never repeat such behavior. I truly look forward to the future. Yet, when I drink, I still drink too much. Which to me tells me that there's still that worm dragging through the mud. I am, however, a very spiritual person at this stage, thanks to my deep interest and love for eastern philosophy (buddhism, taoism) and with this new spirituality I have understood my past depressions and seen the transparency of terrible feelings which lead people to drink and eventually to become alcoholics. I feel confident!

What do you good folks think? I appreciate all responses, please don't be shy. Why do I care, if I'm so confident, why do I need you answers? I fully understand how dangerous alcoholism is, but there just seems to be no way of gauging if you're alcoholic or not. I look up literature it states vague, broad, warning statements. I spoke to the alcoholic treatment people (mandatory treatment for DUI), they told me that there's a point where one becomes alcoholic and can't go back, but a simply abusive drinker can in fact reverse the trend and go back to being a social drinker. I hope I am that person. They couldn't however tell me anything solid. What do you folks, who have gone through it, and who have probably witnessed others go through it, what do you think of my situation? I am not asking you this in hopes you'll tell me, "ahh you're fine!", so I can go and get wasted. I am asking you because I am interested in learning more about myself and would really like to know at how much danger I am in, as I've hopefully got many more years to live, and alcoholism will stalk you. I have just clicked on someone's link and read about a person who gave up drinking at 30, had a great career and all, retired at 55 and started drinking and completely broke down from drinking. This story perfectly embodies why I am seeking more knowledge and answers. How many years does one usually drink very abusively before they are alcoholics? How deep to they fall? What kind of mental/physical degradation do they go through? Etc? It seems that one can't find any reliable ways of comparing himself to others. I wish literature would focus on this side of it more to hit closer to home. For example: literature will say don't drink more than 20 a week, or you're abusing. An abuser will think,"well, hell, EVERYBODY drinks more than 20, this literature is wrong, I'm just like everybody else!".

Thank you all in advance!

p.s.I am sorry I made it so long, but I personally don't like it when people write a 3 liner and then ask you for a profound opinion, it makes no sense.