I couldn't detach. Even when my XAH was out of the house I found myself wanting to get in his business. I do find it fascinating that there are people here and in my Alanon group who can live with their A's that are actively drinking, and find peace. I particularly found the detaching "with love" thing impossible. Seemed to me that when I did detach it was more like "with anger, bitterness, and resentment".
The best thing for me has been the bare minimum contact to keep things going with the kids....no contact that is not child related.