Thank you for both your encouragement and advice...And i know our family is sick..Sick with addiction and co-dependancy...And ive always been the glue that held the family together..Either i was the scape goat where everyoe blamed me because i was so difficult as a child with constant tantrums..and bad behavior to get attention even though it was negative i still sought it out...And then when i was a teen into drugs and running away...I always thought something was wrong with me.,.That i was born messed up...I was filled with self-hatred..and self-pity...And i medicated it with heroin...Which helped for acoupla years till the dope became my enemy...And it was a job just to function normally...I wish for a normal life..And a normal family..So i thought if i can just stop using everything will go back to normal..Everything will be alright,..But as my recovery progressed i begin to unravel our families ghosts..I began to see how sick we all our...And how it was a matter of time that all this happened..I was just reacting to it all with my addiction..But my mom and sister didnt wanna hear any of that..They thought i was blaming them...And trying to pass the buck on them and not taking responsibilty for what i did for 8 yrs..But i wasnt...I just was trying to understand and heal...But i see now that they have to come to terms on there own with there own disfunctions...And i cant help, like i always try to do...But at the same time it aint easy when your living in the same house...
So Here i am trying to survive in this house..And yes i know it would be so much easier and better for me if i left...And helped them while i was out of the house..And boy do i want to be..But living in NYC is very very expensive..Its like how old france use to be...Ultra rich and the very poor...Theres becoming less and less middle class because of how high the prices are..Or if you do fall onto being middle class like my mom...Your like working poor...Cause even though on paper you aint consider poor..But all your money goes to bills and to survive you hardly have anything left for anything else...For my mom she was blessed to have a really good father who left his children with a good income...He made it so all his 6 kids can live out there old age peacefully...But my father is so sick and jealous he dont want her to be in peace..
Every day is a tense nitemare..You never know which way it will go...Every word that comes out of his mouth is hurtful in some way..Lemme give you a taste...Ill come down and get something from the fridge..He'll be sitting on the stool in the kitchen watching t.v. and he'll say..You fat ass you dont need anymore food..Look how big you are..Like i dont look at myself and like calling me fat ass wasnt bad enough..Or he'll come in from the bar..It'll be like 10pm...He'll be stubling in and he'll see me and my sister on the couch usually when we here him trying to come in..Usually he'll be yelling already about something..My sister runs up stairs so she wont have to hear his comments..But i stand my ground..Im more fiesty and pissed then her...So he'll come in and start bowing and saying oh hello my queen...You sit there like you own this house...And then he will go on with his famous speech..i worked 21 yrs 2 jobs 7 days a week.....And you shot dope into your veins...And you act like you control everything..Your alil bitch..You deserve to be on the streets where you belong..Blah blah..I usually cant understand half of it anyways..And he moves his arms crazily while he talks..Or if hes really pissed he'll grab you and shake you...You get so pissed at him you almost feel like beating the crap out of him..But I cant One hes way bigger and stronger then me..Even though hes so skinny...Plus hell go in a complete rage if i ever did that and i be afraid what he do..Plus i wouldnt wanna upset my mom more then she is..and then id end up going to jail a nite while he stayed home terrorizing the house...Its just too much..And i know if things dont change somethings gonna give and im afraid that something will be me..I already relapsed 3 times cause of him...I just hate him so much rite now...Like i sed before i cringe when hes next to me..I could feel my blood boiling...I know this isnt him and its the alcohol..and the damage that years of not dealing with his problems has caused...But when your in the moment and hes You just feel like your never gonna forgive him..Cause howcan you forget...I was bad...I used dope..And hurt my family..But i never abused them day in and day out..and made them feel i didnt care about them at all..I tried to stay away..But my mom didnt want me too because i was a minor and her baby...Hes my father..Hes 58 yrs old...he spent all of his life not drinking..He saw what it did to his mom..and his brothers..Also what coke did to his sister and both brothers too...I always thought he was different then his cold family..But now i see that he isnt...And its so sad...and helplesss...I just keep asking why now..? Jackie