I hate what alcohol has done to my dad..

Old 05-21-2004, 10:53 PM
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I hate what alcohol has done to my dad..

My father wasnt always horrible..He was good when i was lil..He was my favorite parent..Use to take me to the park...Always woke me up for school..Making me breakfast and lunch...Waiting for my bus and telling me to lisiten to the teacher...He was like a big kid himself....But somehow as the years went by me and his relationship changed...Hes an ex-boxer..He has what old boxers call punch drunk..He sounds as if hes drunk all the time but he aint...He also had a slight limp from messing up his leg as he ran after a collar...He was a cop for 21 years..He comes from a cop family so when he failed at the boxing hes dad sed he should just get into the force especially since he had my sister and me on the way...So relunctantly he did so...I think my father was a passive guy..and most of his life he did what he was told..He parents never praised him and treated him as if he was an idiot...My fathers far from it..Hes really smart if he wants you to see that side of him..But because so many people put him down i think he believes what they say about him now...So he doesnt put effort into anything anymore..And i feel sorry for that..But at the same time im so pissed at his behavior...
As i became a teen i became very self consicious...I hated to stand out..Like most teens...and my father stood out...I hated what people sed about him.,..the snickers i heard when he would come by my school to see me or by the park i hung out at..And i know he picked that up...And i guess i became just another person on his long list of people who failed him...I began to really distantance myself....And so did he..Our relationship became really hostile..And so began his downfall into alcohol...He didnt begin to drink rite away...He always had a beer after work..Maybe two..When he retired it became a lil more..But he wouldnt get drunk and it wasnt an everyday occurance...He just began to have fits..Started putting us down just being real nasty..And since i was a teen who also was very sensitive i didnt respond to that really well...I withdrew more from home life and began to run the streets..I caught my own drug habits...First pot then pills then extasy then coke and finally heroin...And thats what really blew our family apart...My mom would search for me during the day...Making my dad get up at nite to find me sometimes he did and sometimes he didnt..But he never really argue with me about it..All he did was told me to be more respectful to my mom..If i wanna do junk do it..But make sure im home at desent hour and keep my mom calm...Basically he gave up on me a long time before that...and just didnt want my mom to be too upset that she be waking him up at 4am to look for me...And i realized that..and liked that because i didnt wanna stop my using didnt even wanna deal with it...I use to wish my mom was like my dad and didnt see why she made such a fuss..my thinking was i was only hurting myself and that there was kids who did worse..I didnt kill people i wasnt getting arrested yet at that time...i still was in school even though i was failing everything..But i thought i was fine..Like all addicts...But even though my father shrug me off i think i hurt him deeply...And like other things in life he wouldnt admitt it..Now for 7 yrs i did my thing not thinking of anyone but myself and having enough dope...But then i finally got some senses in me...I think god saw all hes other signs didnt stop me so he got me really sick without hurting me too much..Cause the way i was living im lucky i dont have the virus or something..But i got endocarditis which is an heart infection i got from shooting into an absess..I nearly died thanx to my mom which i just got to her house the nite before cause i felt like draining some money out of her..But the next morning when she didnt see me up..Which i usually was up at the crack of dawn sick and waking everyone else up cause i needed money or wanted a ride somewhere..Call it mothers intuition..But she knew something wasnt rite she began to come in my room to wake me up..I kept telling her to come back...And she would..Me sick was thinking she was coming in every 5 mins but in reality it was every hour or so..Finally she went to touch my face and it was so hot...I was barely concious when she got me to the hospital...And i was begining to hallucinate because of the fever..It was so bad i fought the doctors and all..I thought i was just dope sick and i needed to get my fix...But i wasnt..I stayed in the hospital for 4 weeks...
Anyways before this becomes a book..Sorry for the long post...I guess this has bothered me even more then i thought..But as i got clean i saw big changes in the house..How my father always had a beer in his hand..How mean he was to my mom...He was mean to me and my sister in the past but never my mom,..That was his love..They been together since she was 11 and he was 15...So its like their attached at the hip..They know eachother so well..But now with everything thats happened my mom had basically given up..She says she dont love him anymore but i dont know if i actually believe her..I think shes really hurt but if he found a way to get clean and better she would find a way to forgive him,..But for awhile i blamed myself for the way he acted..i thought because i was such a horrible daughter and let him down so that he became a drunk..But now im seeing he was a drunk even before he picked up his first drink...He came from an alcoholic family..Hes irish for godsakes..And i think he hasnt it come to terms with things from his past..and i think my using just really brought him over the edge...But just because im an addict and was a horrible teenager..Doesnt mean he has the rite not only to abuse me mentally and physically..but my mom and sister too...And i dont know how much we all can take...Its like walking on eggshells in our house..We dread when he comes home...And when he sits and watches t.v. with us we all tense up...its like i cringe when i see him,,If i was a guy i beat the crap outta him...And thats another thing i cant say anything to him when he goes on his ranting and raging we gotta sit and take it cause if we respond then he really blows up...Hes an ex-cop so he knows how to play the game also knows most of the local cops or either knows how to talk to them..The times the cops comes here they act like it aint a big deal..I guess cause most of them drink to help them through there job..Its just a normal occurance..But maybe it aint bad for them cause they aint nasty and cold to there family..But my father is so bad i dont see him as my father anymore and that hurts..Im also afraid cause he aint young..I dont want him to die or have something happen to him..Its just such an upsetting circumstance..Life never can be easy..i thought i was the problem..I thought once i got clean..That we be a family again..But i see im not the only sick one in the house..Its welcoming but at the same time painful...I just at my wits end..and so is everyone else here even the dogs...Thanx for lisitening..Jackie
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Old 05-21-2004, 11:25 PM
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Jackie, it sounds like your whole family is in pain - the pain of lost dreams and disappointed expectations.
One thing at a time - you're clean, and that's a start. Years and years of addictions and confusion in one household is going to take time and effort to work through, so concentrate on yourself. It sounds as though each one of you has some major issues but the only ones you can deal with are yours. You've been through a lot in the past and you're going through a lot now - you seem to have quite enough on your plate without worrying about everyone else as well!

Start working on ways to heal your own pain and examine your own issues - keep coming back here whenever you can - are there any Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings you could attend?
You've got as far as this so don't despair
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Old 05-22-2004, 06:10 AM
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Jackie,

You are living my life and since I am a bit older (I think) let me share what I have learned.

Addiction and alcoholism is a family disease. In my case as in yours it began long before we were born. There was a point in my recovery when I looked at my life and it felt like I had never had any say in how it ended up. Like everything had been predestined or I had merely been reacting my way though when all along I believed I had been making choices. Boy was I pissed!!

Your family suffers from a Family Disease. No one comes out unaffected. When my mother divorced my alcoholic father that is when I, like you, hit the streets. I guess I was not meant to be an addict because dispite my best effort I am not...but all the same behaviors you went through, I did too.

In my case I ended up growing up, marrying and recreating that scenerio in my own home. The tension, the battles, the drinking and the fighting have now moved on to another generation in my own son.

When I came out of denial and saw that, I was beyond rage! But now I can see it for what it is...a family disease. Your own recovery is your best defense. Your father is probably not going to change but perhaps you could share what you have learned with your mother. Maybe she could use a little of the peace you are reaching for.

All the best,
JT
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Old 05-22-2004, 01:12 PM
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Thank you for both your encouragement and advice...And i know our family is sick..Sick with addiction and co-dependancy...And ive always been the glue that held the family together..Either i was the scape goat where everyoe blamed me because i was so difficult as a child with constant tantrums..and bad behavior to get attention even though it was negative i still sought it out...And then when i was a teen into drugs and running away...I always thought something was wrong with me.,.That i was born messed up...I was filled with self-hatred..and self-pity...And i medicated it with heroin...Which helped for acoupla years till the dope became my enemy...And it was a job just to function normally...I wish for a normal life..And a normal family..So i thought if i can just stop using everything will go back to normal..Everything will be alright,..But as my recovery progressed i begin to unravel our families ghosts..I began to see how sick we all our...And how it was a matter of time that all this happened..I was just reacting to it all with my addiction..But my mom and sister didnt wanna hear any of that..They thought i was blaming them...And trying to pass the buck on them and not taking responsibilty for what i did for 8 yrs..But i wasnt...I just was trying to understand and heal...But i see now that they have to come to terms on there own with there own disfunctions...And i cant help, like i always try to do...But at the same time it aint easy when your living in the same house...
So Here i am trying to survive in this house..And yes i know it would be so much easier and better for me if i left...And helped them while i was out of the house..And boy do i want to be..But living in NYC is very very expensive..Its like how old france use to be...Ultra rich and the very poor...Theres becoming less and less middle class because of how high the prices are..Or if you do fall onto being middle class like my mom...Your like working poor...Cause even though on paper you aint consider poor..But all your money goes to bills and to survive you hardly have anything left for anything else...For my mom she was blessed to have a really good father who left his children with a good income...He made it so all his 6 kids can live out there old age peacefully...But my father is so sick and jealous he dont want her to be in peace..
Every day is a tense nitemare..You never know which way it will go...Every word that comes out of his mouth is hurtful in some way..Lemme give you a taste...Ill come down and get something from the fridge..He'll be sitting on the stool in the kitchen watching t.v. and he'll say..You fat ass you dont need anymore food..Look how big you are..Like i dont look at myself and like calling me fat ass wasnt bad enough..Or he'll come in from the bar..It'll be like 10pm...He'll be stubling in and he'll see me and my sister on the couch usually when we here him trying to come in..Usually he'll be yelling already about something..My sister runs up stairs so she wont have to hear his comments..But i stand my ground..Im more fiesty and pissed then her...So he'll come in and start bowing and saying oh hello my queen...You sit there like you own this house...And then he will go on with his famous speech..i worked 21 yrs 2 jobs 7 days a week.....And you shot dope into your veins...And you act like you control everything..Your alil bitch..You deserve to be on the streets where you belong..Blah blah..I usually cant understand half of it anyways..And he moves his arms crazily while he talks..Or if hes really pissed he'll grab you and shake you...You get so pissed at him you almost feel like beating the crap out of him..But I cant One hes way bigger and stronger then me..Even though hes so skinny...Plus hell go in a complete rage if i ever did that and i be afraid what he do..Plus i wouldnt wanna upset my mom more then she is..and then id end up going to jail a nite while he stayed home terrorizing the house...Its just too much..And i know if things dont change somethings gonna give and im afraid that something will be me..I already relapsed 3 times cause of him...I just hate him so much rite now...Like i sed before i cringe when hes next to me..I could feel my blood boiling...I know this isnt him and its the alcohol..and the damage that years of not dealing with his problems has caused...But when your in the moment and hes You just feel like your never gonna forgive him..Cause howcan you forget...I was bad...I used dope..And hurt my family..But i never abused them day in and day out..and made them feel i didnt care about them at all..I tried to stay away..But my mom didnt want me too because i was a minor and her baby...Hes my father..Hes 58 yrs old...he spent all of his life not drinking..He saw what it did to his mom..and his brothers..Also what coke did to his sister and both brothers too...I always thought he was different then his cold family..But now i see that he isnt...And its so sad...and helplesss...I just keep asking why now..? Jackie
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Old 05-24-2004, 09:06 AM
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Your post reminds me of when I was living with an active alcoholic. All the garbage that was coming out of his mouth...quack, quack, quack. I quit reacting to it and eventually we just didn't talk to each other at all which was fine by me. A good book that helped me with it was "Getting them Sober" by Toby Drews. Also meetings and Alanon literature. It gave me peace of mind even while living with it.
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Old 05-24-2004, 09:09 PM
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I hear ya..But it doesnt matter that i ignore him..I havent talking to him for 2 yrs since i been back home..Except the few times i called him a ******* drunk or to tell him to get the hell off of me..He'll just yell at me..I dont have to say a word..Just by me being in the room will make start up..And hes not only abusive to me..To my sister too..And she has never done anything wrong..She works go to college..Which shes been on the deans list every year...Shes never a problem..I mean i can understand hes anger towards me since i was a bad kid...But my sister..He should be proud of her...Instead he just says mean crap..Saying shes a loser cause shes 29 and still living at home..Has he seen the rents in NYC lately..1000 for a studio..Which is a closet with a kitcheonette...He even tells my mom that he cant survive on 2000 a month which he gets from his pension check...So how does he expect her too..When she aint even making 2000 a month...What an ass.Were his children..I havent ever seen a father treat his own kids like he does..Not even his own friends..Doesnt he think its weird when he sees his friends act all nice to his kids and he treats us like crap...And hes friends son is just as bad as me.We use to get high together..But hes dad helped him out..Even gave him a car....But somehow there different from us...Were abusice to him...I dont know how were abusive..We dont say a word to him..What cause we dont got a hot dinner plate waiting for him every nite..Im not cooking for him not the way he treats us...And my mom shouldnt either..Were adults...He can cook...Ugh he disgusts me...Thanx for the advice..Im glad i have a place like this to vent too...I dont know how id survive..I just have to see theres hope..Thats all that keeps me clean and sane..I keep telling myself that ill be out soon...I count the days...But i hope he leaves or get better before i go i dont wanna leave my mom with him...Jackie
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Old 05-25-2004, 02:42 AM
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As summer says..quack quack quack. What's coming out of his mouth is directed at all of you but it's just a reflection of how he feels about himself. That's how I look at it when my partner starts quacking at me. Keep coming back, Wish
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