Lady, please don't ever be afraid to post here. Most of us have had many false starts. I drank heavily for over 25 yrs. & after joining SR I'm now sober 18 mos., so the miracle can and does happen every day. For me it didn't happen right away, though! I read & cried in my beer for 5 mos. before getting up the courage to dump my last one down the drain. I know you want this, and you can do it Ladyb!
The idea of being powerless over anything seemed ridiculous to me. All I had to do was use some willpower, right? For many years I tried and failed to have 'just a few'. I couldn't imagine continuing my life without my 'friend', my buffer. What would the holidays be like - what would vacations be like - how dull it would all be - so I thought. It's a lie. We don't need the poison. We don't need to be anesthetized in order to live. In trying to make our lives easier/more fun we've turned them into a living hell. This can be your last day of remorse and misery.