wishIsedNO

My father wasnt always horrible..He was good when i was lil..He was my favorite parent..Use to take me to the park...Always woke me up for school..Making me breakfast and lunch...Waiting for my bus and telling me to lisiten to the teacher...He was like a big kid himself....But somehow as the years went by me and his relationship changed...Hes an ex-boxer..He has what old boxers call punch drunk..He sounds as if hes drunk all the time but he aint...He also had a slight limp from messing up his leg as he ran after a collar...He was a cop for 21 years..He comes from a cop family so when he failed at the boxing hes dad sed he should just get into the force especially since he had my sister and me on the way...So relunctantly he did so...I think my father was a passive guy..and most of his life he did what he was told..He parents never praised him and treated him as if he was an idiot...My fathers far from it..Hes really smart if he wants you to see that side of him..But because so many people put him down i think he believes what they say about him now...So he doesnt put effort into anything anymore..And i feel sorry for that..But at the same time im so pissed at his behavior...
As i became a teen i became very self consicious...I hated to stand out..Like most teens...and my father stood out...I hated what people sed about him.,..the snickers i heard when he would come by my school to see me or by the park i hung out at..And i know he picked that up...And i guess i became just another person on his long list of people who failed him...I began to really distantance myself....And so did he..Our relationship became really hostile..And so began his downfall into alcohol...He didnt begin to drink rite away...He always had a beer after work..Maybe two..When he retired it became a lil more..But he wouldnt get drunk and it wasnt an everyday occurance...He just began to have fits..Started putting us down just being real nasty..And since i was a teen who also was very sensitive i didnt respond to that really well...I withdrew more from home life and began to run the streets..I caught my own drug habits...First pot then pills then extasy then coke and finally heroin...And thats what really blew our family apart...My mom would search for me during the day...Making my dad get up at nite to find me sometimes he did and sometimes he didnt..But he never really argue with me about it..All he did was told me to be more respectful to my mom..If i wanna do junk do it..But make sure im home at desent hour and keep my mom calm...Basically he gave up on me a long time before that...and just didnt want my mom to be too upset that she be waking him up at 4am to look for me...And i realized that..and liked that because i didnt wanna stop my using didnt even wanna deal with it...I use to wish my mom was like my dad and didnt see why she made such a fuss..my thinking was i was only hurting myself and that there was kids who did worse..I didnt kill people i wasnt getting arrested yet at that time...i still was in school even though i was failing everything..But i thought i was fine..Like all addicts...But even though my father shrug me off i think i hurt him deeply...And like other things in life he wouldnt admitt it..Now for 7 yrs i did my thing not thinking of anyone but myself and having enough dope...But then i finally got some senses in me...I think god saw all hes other signs didnt stop me so he got me really sick without hurting me too much..Cause the way i was living im lucky i dont have the virus or something..But i got endocarditis which is an heart infection i got from shooting into an absess..I nearly died thanx to my mom which i just got to her house the nite before cause i felt like draining some money out of her..But the next morning when she didnt see me up..Which i usually was up at the crack of dawn sick and waking everyone else up cause i needed money or wanted a ride somewhere..Call it mothers intuition..But she knew something wasnt rite she began to come in my room to wake me up..I kept telling her to come back...And she would..Me sick was thinking she was coming in every 5 mins but in reality it was every hour or so..Finally she went to touch my face and it was so hot...I was barely concious when she got me to the hospital...And i was begining to hallucinate because of the fever..It was so bad i fought the doctors and all..I thought i was just dope sick and i needed to get my fix...But i wasnt..I stayed in the hospital for 4 weeks...
Anyways before this becomes a book..Sorry for the long post...I guess this has bothered me even more then i thought..But as i got clean i saw big changes in the house..How my father always had a beer in his hand..How mean he was to my mom...He was mean to me and my sister in the past but never my mom,..That was his love..They been together since she was 11 and he was 15...So its like their attached at the hip..They know eachother so well..But now with everything thats happened my mom had basically given up..She says she dont love him anymore but i dont know if i actually believe her..I think shes really hurt but if he found a way to get clean and better she would find a way to forgive him,..But for awhile i blamed myself for the way he acted..i thought because i was such a horrible daughter and let him down so that he became a drunk..But now im seeing he was a drunk even before he picked up his first drink...He came from an alcoholic family..Hes irish for godsakes..And i think he hasnt it come to terms with things from his past..and i think my using just really brought him over the edge...But just because im an addict and was a horrible teenager..Doesnt mean he has the rite not only to abuse me mentally and physically..but my mom and sister too...And i dont know how much we all can take...Its like walking on eggshells in our house..We dread when he comes home...And when he sits and watches t.v. with us we all tense up...its like i cringe when i see him,,If i was a guy i beat the crap outta him...And thats another thing i cant say anything to him when he goes on his ranting and raging we gotta sit and take it cause if we respond then he really blows up...Hes an ex-cop so he knows how to play the game also knows most of the local cops or either knows how to talk to them..The times the cops comes here they act like it aint a big deal..I guess cause most of them drink to help them through there job..Its just a normal occurance..But maybe it aint bad for them cause they aint nasty and cold to there family..But my father is so bad i dont see him as my father anymore and that hurts..Im also afraid cause he aint young..I dont want him to die or have something happen to him..Its just such an upsetting circumstance..Life never can be easy..i thought i was the problem..I thought once i got clean..That we be a family again..But i see im not the only sick one in the house..Its welcoming but at the same time painful...I just at my wits end..and so is everyone else here even the dogs...Thanx for lisitening..Jackie