Hey Buckaroo, wecome. Start by not apologizing and putting yourseld down, it won't help and you are all you got, so living with and loving yourself will go hand in hand with your sobriety. I don't think rehab is supposed to be anyones cup of tea. It wasn't mine--up at 6 to do nothing but get blood pressure and meds, check out a shower head, eat breakfast, at least they said it was, attend chalktalk, etc. For what it cost me I could have taken a world cruise. Attended AA like they said, still do--me an agnostic Buddhist in the rooms? Not my cup of Chinese tea but I did it and do it and today I am 100 daze sober. That makes it worth it for me, it is everything. My esteem grew and flowered in the manure of my self-hate and self-pity.
“Unfortunately, most of us don’t allow our cherished thoughts—our beliefs, our hatreds, our infatuations, our opinions, our calculations, our obsessions, our joys, our sorrows—to dissipate. In fact, we don’t even notice that they can dissipate because we’re so earnestly hanging on to them. We don’t even notice that they’re only thought.
Without realizing it, we hang on most dearly to what causes us the most grief and pain. At the same time, we reject freedom, fearing that somehow we’ll lose something valuable in the process.”—Steve Hagen
For this one, sobriety is freedom. May you know it now. Namaste