GingerM

Sorry I'm coming in to this a little late, but this popped out at me. You are not miserable because you're *allowing* yourself to be miserable. (here comes the velvet hammer) You're miserable because you're making yourself miserable.

I don't mean that in a "oh just suck it up and deal with it way". I mean that each time you have a kneejerk reaction towards your mom, you, at some level, make a decision to say the words and do the actions. By making the decision to behave that way, you feed the little monster inside you that's screaming "Vengence is MINE!" That little monster will eat you alive.

I struggled with wanting love too. I found a way to accept that I would never get what I wanted, but I never had any good words to use to describe what I did. DesertEyes, however, said it beautifully in a post long ago. (Pardon me if I misquote here, I'm paraphrasing).

When a bank forgives a loan, they essentially say "we're never going to get our money back, and we give up on trying." They do NOT say "oh, that money we loaned you? Yeah, well, you aren't really responsible for it, it's okay, you don't have to pay it back, life is full of rainbows and unicorns, and we don't mind that you didn't pay it back." Nope, banks don't do that. They say "we're never going to get what you owe us, so we will quit accepting it. We do not remove from you your responsibility to pay it back, and we're dinging your credit rating, and we will never give you another loan, but we're going to quit wasting our time trying to get our money back from you."

In the sense that a bank forgives a loan, I have forgiven my parents. I accept that they are not ever going to give me what I wanted. I accept that it's a waste of my time to try to get it from them and all it does is make me feel worse. However, their "emotional credit rating" with me is pretty low, and I do not trust them with anything emotional, either in comments they make to me or in me meeting my own emotional needs. They are in emotional foreclosure.

You say you're "allowing" yourself to be miserable. I say you're making yourself miserable by expecting to get something that you have never had any reason or past behaviors to expect that you will get.

Forgive the loan. Move forward. Walk away (metaphorically). I am making it sound a LOT easier than it really is, and I know that. But that is the path you must take to stop making yourself nuts with this.

In the "Rights of ACoAs" listed in the stickies at the top of this forum is one that I repeat to myself on an unfortunately regular basis. "I have the right to not participate in the crazy-making behaviors of my family." You might want to try that out the next time you feel yourself getting on the verge of saying or doing something that will only make you feel worse.

You also mentioned being open to counseling/therapy. I strongly suggest that you look into someone with a strong background in cognitive behavioral therapy. I also strongly suggest that you go to the stickied post at the top of this forum that says "13 common characteristics of ACoAs" - print a copy of it and take it with you, marking each of the things that apply to you. Let the therapist/counselor know that this is what you want to work on.

I have been in therapy for many years now. I still see my therapist once a month for my "monthly tune up". I've come from roughly the spot that you are describing to a spot where most of the time I feel like my life is MINE to control and MINE to act on how I see fit. My family normally doesn't manage to control me (which is what they do when they get under our skin and make us want to commit murder) anymore. Oh sure, I still get caught up in the odd bit of drama - usually after a long lull when my defenses are down. But I have learned so many new tools for how to deal with it, that it's rarely as bad or as prolonged as it used to be. My life has more peace than trauma now, and it's truly a lovely place to be.