Alaia, it's easy to feel like a victim in all of this. I felt like that almost my entire life until I started working on myself. But you are not a victim, and he is not a villain, and that is why you feel so bad and STILL love him. You are both just two human beings doing the best you are able right now to survive.
But honey, he has a horrible, insidious, progressive disease that is fatal unless it is stopped. There is no cure. And he is the only one who can stop it. Two things that helped me to understand WHY and HOW he could do such a thing the first time I was in your position: (1) Read Dr. Laura's book called "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!" You can get it at the library, and (2) Try to visualize the truth instead of approaching it head-on, like this: You are both swimming, and you are doing the best you can do to just keep your head above water. You know you have to keep moving, keep swimming to the shore, or you are going to drown. But this person has grabbed ahold of your feet and keeps pulling your head below water! He's got you by the feet because he is not able to keep his own head above water and, like all drowning persons, he is trying to climb up you to get air! He will continue to pull you under until he has completely exhausted you, and you will no longer be able to swim for yourself.
Somehow Alaia, you have got to break yourself free, because if you do not, he is going to absolutely drown you! Cry, get angry, mourn, feel bad about yourself, question yourself, whatever you need to do, but put a time limit on it. Say you're only going to do this for one more week! Then, fight like mad and get the hell out of there!
Try Al-Anon. Just go once and you will see.