heartless

Old 07-13-2009, 03:17 AM
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Unhappy heartless

so I emailed my ex-abf new girl. she writes back and wants to talk to me but her phone is out of minutes and she can only text. She knew about me the whole 3-4 months they were together. She met bf @ rehab program. She feels horrible and wants me to know the truth but tells me she knows it's gonna hurt me. They fell in love and she felt bad for me but let bf string me along so he could keep my car and phone and they could have the money and whatever else I had to give as help. then they both relapsed and she said her morals went out the door and she didnt care. She knew when he was with me and just got high to make it go away. He was using me the whole time. I had been trying to break it off with him cause I felt something wasn't right, but everytime I said I am done, he would tell me he didnt want it to be over and how much he loved me and didnt want to be without me....the whole time he was with her back home. He moved in with her in April and I just found out on Friday because he was about 35 minutes away. She also tells me that I wasn't the first girl he cheated on me with. That everyone in the program and all his little buddies all knew he was just using me. Everyone knew but me. How can someone be so heartless. She is clean now and felt really guilty and wanted to tell me all of this. It hurts so much. She is staying with him and says she loves him so much. She said he didn't want her to talk to me, he just wanted me out of their lives for good. how can someone say that after 2 years? It killed me. To find out that the whole relationship was nothing more than a lie. I really thought he loved me. I don't know how someone could do this and then just say something like that. in the meantime she is trying to tell me what a good person I am and how everything is going to be ok. she doesn't understand why I could stay with him for so long after the things he had done to me. Cause he kept pilling me back in when I tried to leave. I really thought he loved me. Then she tells me to get some pride and self esteem. excuss me but my whole life just crashed in front of my eyes and i am falling apart. There must be something seriously wrong with me. I can't stop the pain it hurts so much. They get to take drugs to make themselves feel better but I have nothing.
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Old 07-13-2009, 03:30 AM
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You DO have something...yourself and your sobriety. He is using, she is using, they are doing what addicts do and there is nothing good in it for you, just more hurt and deception.

Take this lesson as a gift, as hard as that may seem, and maybe get to some meetings and find support to help you get through this.

You were played, that is on them, not you. Now that you know you can grow and move forward because, sweetie, you deserve so much better than this.

I am sorry you are hurting, and hope that you can walk through the pain and take time to see where you might make better choices next time.

Hugs
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Old 07-13-2009, 05:05 AM
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I know what it's like to feel the sting of infidelity and betrayal.

My question to you is what are you going to do to help yourself heal?

Emailing the new GF is like picking the scab off of a wound and bleeding all over again.

I know for me, I didn't start the recovery process for myself until I was truly tired of being in pain. Until then, I sabotaged myself over and over.

I pray you find recovery, embrace it, and leave the chaos and pain behind.
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Old 07-13-2009, 05:08 AM
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(((Alaia))) I do know the pain and it hurts, really, really bad but I had to feel it, walk through it and learn from it to finally accept my codie-ness and realize that I had to make changes in my life so I wouldn't pick this type of man again.

As far as they can use drugs and you "have nothing", honey you are sooooo much better off. The drugs don't do a damn thing but delay dealing with stuff...I'm an RA and I would give anything if I could take back all those times I said "I'll deal with it later" and hit the crack pipe.

I went through the pain you are going through with my FIRST XABF and I didn't learn. I went on to have two worse XABF's and develop my own addiction, in large part, because I couldn't handle the pain of living my life without a man I totally committed myself to for more than 20+ years and he essentially tossed me aside like a kleenex.

I didn't realize that my life was enough, I was enough. I didn't need him or any other man. The same goes for you. You aren't going to feel that right now, but in time you will.

Cry, grieve, get angry. STOP listening to the new gf..you don't need to hear any more. Let them go on with their lives. You go on with yours.

You will be okay, sweetie, I promise. Breathe.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 07-13-2009, 05:39 AM
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Stop with the facebook, the e-mail, the text messages!!!!!

Just stop!!!! Stop all of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shame should be felt by him and them for their actions! You have nothing to feel bad about. You loved someone, he used you, he is using everyone around him. If this other girl thinks she is not being played, she's wrong. If YOU think she is not being played, You are wrong.

You deserve a better life, a better love, a happy future!!! You can and will have it! You might consider counseling for yourself so that you can understand your obsession with this man who is CLEARLY not worth it.

Throw yourself whole heartedly into healing, recovering, doing things for YOU to make you happy!!!!

Huge mega hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 07-13-2009, 07:50 AM
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Alaia,

First, I don't know why the hell his new "girlfriend" (or shall I say victim) felt the need to tell you all of this! Completely inappropriate, especially since she is STILL with him!

Ugh, I do not understand why you would have stayed with him in the first place. I guess love can work in mysterious ways, but it sounds like you were more codependent and he was a typical selfish addict. That isn't love, nor is that a relationship!

Be thankful he isn't your problem any more, he's the new girls' and his own. I know it sounds harsh but mourning over him not being in your life any more would be foolish, you should honestly be celebrating!

Stay safe,
Rachel
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Old 07-13-2009, 08:36 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
I too ignored all the red flags, knew something was up. But, in my sickness...I believed his story over mine..
Alia, I couldn't have said this better myself.................

The key in most of our threads, regardless of what the subject is--- is that when we are dealing with an addict, they will lie, they will use us, they will protect their f***** up behavior, all the while hurting those around them.

AND when our eyes are wide shut, we "believe their story over ours."

That stinks.

Take cynical's words and remember them, over and over, rememeber this. Keep telling yourself that you aren't going to believe ANYONE's story over yours in the future, and use it to push you forward, only stronger.

Also, I believe that you should STOP the contact with the ex, and others around him.

I'm going to remind you about that baby you said he had--- and the words his ex told you about him when she called you.........

it just keeps happening --- one girl victim to the next. He used his ex, and he used you. Now he will use this one.

Perhaps if you are going to 'call' anyone, call the ex baby mama, and just simply say "sorry" --- sometimes it's freeing to validate the other victims in his master manipulations.

You should be doing cartwheels down your front lawn-- since your rid of his madness and utterly disgusting behavior.

Hugs lovey.
Love,
cessy
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Old 07-13-2009, 09:41 AM
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Alaia, it's easy to feel like a victim in all of this. I felt like that almost my entire life until I started working on myself. But you are not a victim, and he is not a villain, and that is why you feel so bad and STILL love him. You are both just two human beings doing the best you are able right now to survive.

But honey, he has a horrible, insidious, progressive disease that is fatal unless it is stopped. There is no cure. And he is the only one who can stop it. Two things that helped me to understand WHY and HOW he could do such a thing the first time I was in your position: (1) Read Dr. Laura's book called "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?!" You can get it at the library, and (2) Try to visualize the truth instead of approaching it head-on, like this: You are both swimming, and you are doing the best you can do to just keep your head above water. You know you have to keep moving, keep swimming to the shore, or you are going to drown. But this person has grabbed ahold of your feet and keeps pulling your head below water! He's got you by the feet because he is not able to keep his own head above water and, like all drowning persons, he is trying to climb up you to get air! He will continue to pull you under until he has completely exhausted you, and you will no longer be able to swim for yourself.

Somehow Alaia, you have got to break yourself free, because if you do not, he is going to absolutely drown you! Cry, get angry, mourn, feel bad about yourself, question yourself, whatever you need to do, but put a time limit on it. Say you're only going to do this for one more week! Then, fight like mad and get the hell out of there!

Try Al-Anon. Just go once and you will see.
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Old 07-13-2009, 09:52 AM
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Alaia I am so sorry for you. I know your hurting but trust me when I say this too shall pass.

One boundary I have FIRMLY established in my life is I no longer allow people in my life that want to hurt me with either words or actions. Life is too short to stick around for the stick in the eye.

Go NO CONTACT TODAY! Sounds like the new girl is throwing alot of salt in your wounds and enjoying it. Just remember what comes around goes around and some day this girl will be in your shoes.

As for you sweetie, you didnt do this. I think the hardest lesson to learn is NOT to take it personally when someone does something like this.

I am treading lightly here but I think (correct me if I am wrong) that even now when you look back you can see the red flags and alot of your pain stems from blaming yourself for not seeing the flags then. Maybe look at it this way, atleast NOW you see the flags and its kind of like a rehearsal for the rest of your life. You will be able to spot people who mean you harm sooner before you get emotionally attached...

Someone once said that life is about lessons. When we learn a lesson we move on and continue building on that one lesson. Some lessons are harder to learn and we keep repeating the lesson until we get it. Take this lesson and build from it. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be true to what you need in your life.

Today is a new day. Start fresh. Look at the past as just that the past. We all make mistakes. Dont be too hard on yourself.
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Old 07-13-2009, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Alaia View Post
Then she tells me to get some pride and self esteem. excuss me but my whole life just crashed in front of my eyes and i am falling apart. There must be something seriously wrong with me. I can't stop the pain it hurts so much. They get to take drugs to make themselves feel better but I have nothing.
So SHE who knew that her new boyfriend cheated on and lied to another woman because of a car and phone and money that SHE benefited from also tells YOU to get some pride and self-esteem? How twisted is that?

Would you stay with a man who keeps another woman around to take advantage of her? This union sounds as dysfunctional as it gets and you are the lucky one because you are not part of this. They took advantage of you and that hurts, but the joke is on them. I don't see any pride or self-esteem in someone who stays with a man like this, knowing what she has known all along.

You don't need this bs, really. It will hurt for a while, but it ALWAYS ALWAYS gets better and you will be able to look back and be grateful that got to walk away.

Edit: And I agree about cutting off contact with her. It does nothing good for you and why would you want to allow her to act all remorseful when the remorse obviously wasn't enough to not take advantage of you also?
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Old 07-13-2009, 10:55 AM
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Cheating has all to do with the cheater's lack of integrity and nothing to do with the person being cheated.

Cheaters rationalize what they do by blaming the person they are cheating on. It's classic manipulation.

He is not worthy of your time, energy or your tears.

Please close the book on this chapter of your life.

Perhaps some grief counseling is in order here.
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:05 AM
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i think grief counsouling might be a good idea :-) Thanks

I was really upset this am...I am doing a little better now. Thank u everyone for your support.
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:18 AM
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[QUOTE=cassandra2;2294891]even now when you look back you can see the red flags and alot of your pain stems from blaming yourself for not seeing the flags then. Maybe look at it this way, at least NOW you see the flags and its kind of like a rehearsal for the rest of your life. You will be able to spot people who mean you harm sooner before you get emotionally attached...[QUOTE]

Thanks so much for writing this. That is one thing I too am working on. It's hard though because even though I KNOW what I am looking at, even though I try to run like hell when I see those kind of people coming, something keeps drawing me back into relationships with them--EVEN when I KNOW I don't want a relationship with them! I think it has something to do with my own feelings of self-worth. IDK. It's hard, because even after I come to this point in my life where I see all the red flags, I have to have the strength to turn around and walk away.
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Old 07-13-2009, 11:23 AM
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Oh, one more thing... Here's a wikipedia definition of SOCIOPATH. Sound familiar?

Sociopathy/Psychopathy:
Lack of a conscience in conjunction with a weak ability to defer gratification and/or control aggressive desires, often leads to antisocial behaviors. Psychopathy does not necessarily lead itself to criminal and violent behavior. Instead, psychopaths high in social cognition may be able to redirect their antisocial desires in a different, non-criminal manner.[citation needed]

Psychopaths (and others on the pathological narcissism scale) low in social cognition are more prone to violence against others, failure in occupational settings, and problems maintaining relationships. All psychopaths differ in their impulse control abilities, and overall desires. Psychopaths high in the pathological narcissism scale are more equipped to succeed, but pathological narcissism does not in any way guarantee success.
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Old 07-13-2009, 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Cheating has all to do with the cheater's lack of integrity and nothing to do with the person being cheated.

Cheaters rationalize what they do by blaming the person they are cheating on. It's classic manipulation.

He is not worthy of your time, energy or your tears.

Please close the book on this chapter of your life.

Perhaps some grief counseling is in order here.
Not only has he been rationalizing his infidelity, but she is rationalizing it as well. Telling you was a way to make herself feel better, not to help you.

IMHO, the deserve each other. Why she thinks he is not going to do the same thing to her is beyond me. But then again... they are both addicts... so there is no real logic or rationality at play here.
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Old 07-13-2009, 03:40 PM
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Putting all this under the umbrella of addiction is rationalizing his behavior.

The guy is a con man and a likely a sociopath.

Hope his next GF is Elaina Bobbit.
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Old 07-13-2009, 05:28 PM
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Heres' a quote from outtolunch from an earlier thread you posted about going to see this horrible man in prison:

Is this the same guy who stole money and your car?

Is this the same guy that you got a restraining order on?

Is this the same guy who told you lies to cover up lies?

Is this the same guy you have been sending money, food and boots to?

Is this the same guy who has an ex with another child he he not supporting who also had/ has some sort of relationship with a girl he met in rehab?

And now he's back in jail and probably feeling a little blue cause he's not the kind of guy who does well facing the consequeunces of his choices and behavior.

Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. He's not done with drugs, yet.


Honestly, my dear, he is doing you a favor by taking up with this girl, because it keeps him from preying on you any more. Please stop allowing and/or seeking out any contact in any from from him or any of his sick little posse. Don't talk to his parents, his girls, his exs, his children, friends, family, doctor, counselor, sponsor, etc. Talking to his associates is just another way for you to prolong your pain. Give yourself a break and check out an alanon/codanon/naranon meeting.

Love,
KJ
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Old 07-13-2009, 06:18 PM
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I am going through the exact same thing, he moved back home and moved in with an addict and strung me along with my baby in tow as well. Let me tell ya they can have 'em girl. Just think tonight while your biggest debate is what to eat, they are trippin' about how to get their high, what to do to get money and with 2 addicts, who works or who gets more money, that is a volcano waiting to blow-steer clear. They can only party for so long before one of them gets bored with the other. I say celebrate the fact that you learned now, how to read red flags, how to be smarter and also what you deserve. You will be fine, just keep him at a distance and let him watch his fairy world blow up in smoke. Do you really think he changed for her? I am glad not to have to worry about all the drama that is involved in that life. Hang in there, yeah it sucks...sometimes at night I look at my little one and think, his loss...we are an awesome team her and I and he will never know us. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS BE HAPPY...I have heard that and it is true, if you are happy now, none of the past matters.
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Old 07-14-2009, 05:13 AM
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((Alaia))

Just sending out prayers and good thoughts of healing and hope for better and brighter days ahead for you!!!!

You are worthy of a wonderful, healthy life and I pray that you do all that you can to find it!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 07-14-2009, 06:21 PM
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(((Alaia))))

I agree with the others, stop all the contact, even if it means changing your number, blocking her from your email, whatever you have to do not to have anymore communication from these sick people.

I know this is painful for you but each time you talk to the girlfriend you are taking one step back in your recovery.. they are not worth your time and it honestly sounds like the two of them deserve each other..

Stay strong girl, you will get through this.. one day at a time.
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