I visited a girlfriend tonight. When we said goodbye as I was leaving, she said she was glad I seemed happier than when I arrived. I instantly knew it was because I was in mild withdrawal when I walked into her house, due to stupidly trying to "cut back" today. I feel like such a loser, such a fraud, because it was only once the pills kicked in that I seemed happy and normal to her. I hate that. I hate that if she knew how much pain meds were in my body as I was holding her 11 month old child, she would have kicked me out of her home. And at the same time, my mind latched onto her comment and is trying to use it to justify what I'm doing, to give me another excuse why I can't stop.
I've always been immensely proud of everyone at SR who is sober, but never more than I am right now. To have gone through thoughts and feelings like I'm going through (and far, far worse, I'm certain) and have found the strength and determination to come out the other side, clean and sober, is truly amazing.