I agree totally on the honesty response, in fact feel that I'm being more honest with her than she is with me. Below is a letter I wrote her to read when she gets home this evening, I'll let you know her response:
Wife- (redacted)
Perhaps we are better off putting things in writing; it seems to me to be the best way we communicate in any depth these days. Let me start off by explaining my frustration last night. I don’t know if you think I was angry that you didn’t want to make love last night. It more than that, along lines of general frustration that some of the fears that I expressed to you at the beginning of this new stage of our lives have taken root. I felt a foreboding that our relationship would turn more into us being roommates rather than lovers or even merely husband and wife. We don’t talk much anymore outside of small talk about the kids, the jobs, how was your meeting (generally speaking) and so forth. I don’t know what you are feeling or thinking most of the time, such as what progress you are making in the program, who you are confiding in and what you feel your successes and failures have been. Are you feeling strong about your recovery or do you have weak moments? When we have disagreements do you discuss it with the group? If so, does it help, or is that not part of the program at all? Maybe I’m not supposed to know all that, I don’t know. Most importantly, I don’t know how you are feeling about where our relationship is at. Are you happy?
You said something interesting to me yesterday that I let pass with more small talk that in hindsight I wish I would have asked for clarification. When speaking of how the meetings help because if you were to slip you would be letting all of those people down, that you feel accountable to them. How about me and the kids? Would you not be letting us down first and foremost? A lot of times I feel like I have been replaced by the groups you now confide in. I’m glad that you are getting the help that you need from them; they are obviously better equipped to help you with your sobriety than I am. It just makes me insecure that my best friend now has a new group of friends that are more important. That was my biggest fear that I expressed to you at New Day that night, and now here it is and there doesn’t appear to be anything I can or should do about it.
As for our lack of intimacy, do you view that as an issue that we would be better off addressing? Not that I have any answers here, I can only go forward based upon what your feelings are. It doesn’t take much research to take an educated guess that Paxil has at least in part decreased your libido, probably substantially. I remember back in Charlotte when you were taking Prozac and it was the same thing. We went months without making love back then and if you recall it was one of the most challenging points in our marriage. If I remember correctly it was only after you stopped taking it you truly realized what it did to your sex drive. I honestly don’t know if you currently see it as a problem or not. I think it might be one of those things that you can’t miss what you don’t miss. I fully realize that I am not the most romantic guy in the world and rarely put rose pedals on the bed. 3 kids will hinder that on its merits alone. That being said, most of the time I even broach the subject it is quickly shot down in a “you’ve got to be kidding me” kind of way. You have not brought it up with me since the kids were with my parents the 2nd week of June. That’s why I was so frustrated last night, more than “I’m not in the mood tonight”. I can live with that. To me it was more of the shrug of the shoulders and “if I’m not into it I’m not into it and I can’t fake it.” I don’t want you to fake anything, but I do want you to remember what that time was like when you were taking Prozac and how after you stopped taking it you saw what it was doing to that aspect of our lives. I really, really don’t want to go down that path again if there is any way to avoid it.
I want to know where we stand in our relationship and the only way I know of how to do that is to share with you some of what I’m thinking. Some (OK, maybe most) of your responses I might not want to hear but need to if we are going to move beyond the roommate status I think we are in right now. Is this what our future is going to be like? Are you content coming home each evening and falling asleep on the couch within an hour of walking in the door? I know I’m not happy with a lot in my life, my job situation being not the least of it. I walked in the door of that counselor (and the 2 failed Al Anon meetings) trying to make heads or tails of what’s going on and I am trying to change some things about myself. This has been far and away the most difficult year of my life and I know I don’t always handle things the right way. For now, I just really want to know if you’re with me and if I’m welcome along with you with your changes.