9Iron

Been a good long while since I posted here. My wife is now @ 8 weeks in recovery and seems to be doing very well with sobriety. I don't want to derail anything or make it more difficult than it needs to be for her but I've got a few complaints! It seems as if most of my fears about the program are coming to pass. I say most, because A number 1 was that the drinking wouldn't stop once she had committed herself, and although early on, that has not been the case. What seems to be happening is that we are growing apart. I said to her early in her recovery that my biggest fear is that we would become little more than roommates, which seemed to be happening even before drinking got out of control and eventually she went into the program for. It is becoming more pronounced by the day.

We don't spend much time together anymore. She works late Mondays and Wednesday, has AA and sponsor meetings on Tuesdays and outpatient treatment Thursdays. She really likes her meetings on Saturday and Sunday evenings so she is gone a big chunk of those as well. Typically when she gets home from these activities she is asleep on the couch, literally, within a half hour. We have 3 small children so I'm home with them and can't get out and do my own thing so much of the time I feel like a single dad. Little things like cooking for 1 again seems like makes it seem like we are not really married anymore.

We don't communicate openly anymore. She always bottled up her emotions, but at least back in the day (yea, I know 2 months ago, seems longer!) after a few glasses of wine I could dig into her and get a feel for where her head was at. I can't do that anymore, so I literally don't know what she's thinking about her recovery, our marriage, all of the big things not covered by small talk about the days events.

We lack intimacy like some of the worst times in our marriage. She has suffered bouts of depression for years and has from time to time taken medication like prozac. Anyone that has experience with AD's knows that the sex drive can either slightly diminish or dry up completely. There was a time some years ago that she literally couldn't have sex with me for months on end. We'd get into bed, but at the last minute it would turn off and she just couldn't do it. After she stopped taking the medication she realized what a detriment it was to our marriage but admitted that she didn't appreciate it at the time. She's now been on Paxil since treatment started and it's the same deal. Whenever I make the suggestion, its met with a quick reply that's its out of the question. I asked her yesterday afternoon (before her meeting) how she felt where sex drive was, and she said not bad, its still there (curious because we hadn't made love in over a month). She got home from her meeting and said that she was going to bed. I asked if I could join her, and she made clear as long as there was no hanky panky that was fine. I asked her again what she was feeling sexually, and this time it was a bit different. She said that she had no desire and that's just how it is. I asked if that bothered her and she replied that she can't fake it so it is what it is. I explained that that is problem for me, not that I want her to roll over and have sex right now but that lack of libido was a real problem for our marriage. She just shrugged her shoulders and said she's just not in the mood. That bothered me, but not as much as the smug attitude she had. I read her as, hey, that's your problem buddy, not mine. I feel like she thinks I'm a perv for wanting to make love with my wife!

We are definitely not on the same page with the children. One example, yesterday evening the kids were in the office playing on the computer and they made a mess of the place. I told them that they were not allowed in there until they learned how to clean up after themselves (a couple of days suspension realistically). I got up this morning and they are all in there playing so I kick them out. The wife was not happy because they all pitched a fit, so my question to her was do we let them do what they want because we don't want to hear their whining? She was seriously pissed at me for causing the conflict, especially in the morning when she's trying to get out the door to work. Her personality type is to avoid confrontation, and at times it seems like she lets the kids walk all over her (us).

I feel like we are not even married anymore outside of the joint responsibility of the children. Much of it predates her sobriety, and to be honest predates her decline into alcoholism. At the beginning of her recovery, I suggested it would be a good idea for both of us to see a counselor, outside of the program, to help us deal with the big life changes. About 3 weeks ago I found a counselor I like, and suggested to her that maybe it would be a good idea for her to go see him too. She questioned why she would want to do that. I said that there are issues outside of sobriety that I don't believe she's dealt with, such as the recent loss of her parents, that maybe she would like to talk to someone about. She said that she's done grief counseling at the program and feels real good about where she's at. With apologies to everyone in the programs out there, 8 weeks and you're cured of all of the issues you have been dealing with for years?!?! The attitude was, once again, I'm doing just fine here, sorry to hear about your troubles. To her credit, she did reconsider and made an appointment for a week or two from now. I hope she takes it seriously and doesn't just go to appease me. I just don't know where she is mentally and emotionally (I know I'm not doing great) and can't find my opening to discuss it in any constructive manner.

Bottom line is, I think I've been replaced by the people in her program. She mentioned the other day that her fear of relapse was mostly eased by the fact that she is accountable to the others in the program and she would really let them down if she slipped. While true, and helpful to her to stay sober, what about her accountability to me? What that tells me is that if she drinks again, she would worry more about letting these people down that she’s known for 8 weeks than she would about her husband and children? I simply chose to let that comment stand and not question her on it.

Are these things common for anyone here adapting to a loved one getting into the program? Should I just shut up and step back and accept my "new role"? I don't know if I can do that. Have I already lost her? Any feedback would be appreciated.