I know how you feel about wanting to hate her. I am 54 years old, and I still struggle on occation with how I feel about my mother. She was the WORSE kind of alcoholic. Hateful, mean physically violent.
When I was 22 I left. I went as far away from her as I could. 10 years later she gets sober thru AA.
I was left with all the "I'm messed up" stuff too. Really really really messed up.
Getting away from her was what I had to do.
SHe's been sober 30 years. But, she is still a hypocondriac, paranoid about everything, controlling, and generally unpleasant person I always knew.
I did move 2 hours away from her in the last 10 years. Just far enough not to have to deal with it on a daily basis.
SHe visits occationally and I can handle that.
What I no longer tolerate is being manipulated.
I always wanted her to "love" me. I have come to the realization that no matter how bad I wanted that love, she was incapable of giving it. I had to accept it and move on. What else could I do? Wallow in self pity the rest of my life? NO. I have children, and grand children and that's where my energy goes.
I have a sister who refuses to have anything what so ever to do with her. Mom ran her off with all the hatefulness and trying to control everything.
I am all she has left. And, she walks a tight rope with me. I love her with all my heart. But, I don't think she's capable of returning that love. I can't do anything about that.
I am at peace with it.
As far as alanon goes, if you really want your sanity back, that's one heck of a good program. It takes time. You don't walk through it all in a week. It takes learning. practicing and time.