Originally Posted by
riaerif 
Then I asked her if on her list of crap that she screwed up and had to fix if I was anywhere on it because I was the most broken of all.... I went to Al-Anon meetings. I hated them. I couldn't understand how any of that junk was supposed to lead me to finally feeling some justice. I want my mom to suffer for everything she's done to mess things up from the time I was a kid. ..
Here's the deal: You are not going to feel "justice." That's not how it works. The alkie/druggie is not going to "fix the things they screwed up." They don't do that. Nor do they "suffer for everything [they've] done to mess things up." Not only do they not suffer -- they don't even have a clue that they've been anything other than model parents!
If you're waiting for those things to happen, you're not doing it right. Recovery -- whether it's with Al-Anon, ACA, or the other leading brands, is not about being the plaintiff in a lawsuit, with the alkie/druggie as the defendant. If it were, the jury would always rule in our favor, grant us a big judgment, and we'd be all set. But recovery has to do with letting go of resentments -- "giving up hope for a better past," so to speak.
My Dad -- the alcoholic, raging control freak, who is now 89 -- is not going to give me any recompense for the damage he inflicted upon me, my Mom, and my sister. That simply is not going to happen (or if it does, it'll have to be his doing -- and I am not holding my breath). I've got a lot of issues I'm working on, and although it would be nice to be able to talk some of them out with my Dad while he's still here, that ain't happening either -- it's going to have to be work I do on my own after he's gone.
Justice has nothing to do with it. It might be nice if it did -- but if we keep score, all we're doing is holding onto resentments, which is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Having busted your chops like that, I have to admit, I also feel like damaged goods that are too screwed up to fix. I think that's how we get, when we have alcoholic parents. There really isn't a great answer to it, except to be aware of it and work the program -- whichever one you want to work. But all's I'm sayin' is that it's not about waiting for the offender to straighten up and fly right, confess their sins, and make everything okay. That is not going to happen... we have to fix ourselves.
T