riaerif

Like all good enablers/codependents/ACOA I flit in and out. I show up, whine, get some support and then flit away to lose myself in this fantasy that everything is okay. I never stay because eventually someone is going to hate me or not like me or whatever excuse I give myself from day to day.

But I've kept this site hidden away on my bookmarks to use if I needed help.

Yesterday I argued with my mom who is a recovering addict. I finally asked her, "Do you realize how screwed up I am? I'm talking nuts, here!"

Then I asked her if on her list of crap that she screwed up and had to fix if I was anywhere on it because I was the most broken of all.

I told her I wasn't taking care of her anymore and that I was tired of hearing her whine about how I don't understand anything and at least I had a husband. Of course, I sunk to a low level and told her she was the lucky one because she had a sap like me to follow her around and clean up all her messes. *sigh*

I went to Al-Anon meetings. I hated them. I couldn't understand how any of that junk was supposed to lead me to finally feeling some justice. I want my mom to suffer for everything she's done to mess things up from the time I was a kid.

I try constantly to get her to love me the way I want her to and that's so dumb. It'll never happen. It never has. She's very controlling and when she screws up I can finally get in her face and tell her off and I LOVE it. That can't be healthy. I want her to be the one who desperately wants MY attention and love for once. I'm tired of her crap and if I had my way I'd be gone.

I'm too old for this. I'm 32 and have two children and we need to get away from her. We were all so close when she was in jail. Now that she's back (yes, we all live together. It's her home and my husband and I and his family pay for all the bills and mortgage and stuff so she wouldn't lose her house.) my marriage is strained and my children are unhappy more because I'm unhappy more.

I just hate this. I really want to hate her. Sometimes I think I do. Today is one of those days. After my big revealing confession to her last night about what I really need she stopped talking to me. She's cold, but polite. Why doesn't she want my love as much as I always wanted hers? How come she can act like a cold b**** to me when she's the one who always screwed up?

Did I do this? Did I stay by her side and somehow that means I'm responsible for this? It doesn't matter. I really am way too screwed up by now to untangle myself from this mess.

So here we are and she's finally a convicted felon after I don't know how many slaps on the wrist. Yet she doesn't deserve any of the bad stuff, she says. And I did?

Anyway, my children need me and somehow I have to find a way to cope and get healthy. I won't let them become like me if there's anything I can do to prevent it.