Hi again effortjoy,
My husband didn't know I was drinking either for quite some time.And like you, I thought what the hell?He won't know, doesn't notice, so I'll just do it anyway and pretend to be sober.
I planned all my relapses too and excused myself left right and center.I always had a 'valid' reason to drink.How could I really enjoy a weekend, a vacation, a party, without alcohol?(even if I was hiding it by tipping it into my orange juice or drinking 'water' in a coffee mug....)
Underneath all this insane hiding behaviour was the fact that I had HUGE resentment against him-for NOT noticing.For NOT caring I was completely smashed every day of the damn week when he came home from work and he never said anything?If he really loved me wouldn't he freakin NOTICE?CARE?TELL ME TO STOP?DRAG ME OFF TO REHAB?....
So I pushed.I pushed this to the limit.I got more and more drunk to try and force him to acknowlege I was in pain and desperately in need of help.He continued to say nothing and eventually?I decided I had to stop for me-not him, and it's the best decision I ever made.
My husband really loves me.But he didn't show love in the way *I* wanted and as far as I was concerned at the time this just wasn't good enough.
I was punishing myself by drinking and hoping that somehow?He'd pay.Insane thinking but very real to me at the time.
I don't know if any of my experience is true for you?But reading your post reminded me of the things I used to do in your situation-and I just have to tell you I know what kind of a hell that is and I was so relieved to finally let it all go and begin to heal myself.I hope you choose to help yourself too.You don't have to keep doing this.It's so incredibly lonely and miserable.
Jules xox