Notices

Day 12 and 'preparing' for relapse

Old 06-27-2009, 10:33 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
Day 12 and 'preparing' for relapse

Finally brought up my drinking problem with my husband and he said that he noticed that I hadn't had a drink in six months. But he didn't say anything because he figured I just wanted to stop without his interference. I have only been sober for 12 days. For the past six months I have been 'drunk' almost every day! I feel guilty that I didn't correct him. But then I started thinking...if I hid it that well then maybe just for the vacation this week I will drink and then I'll stop when we come home..I am already thinking about stocking up on my favorites so i can bring them to the hotel with me..just in case I really need them..I know that I won't drink before vacation but I am "planning" my relapse even though I don't want to be a drinker again. Don't know what to do; can't even start packing the suitcases without making my list of drinking essentials. How will I relax without alcohol?
effortjoy is offline  
Old 06-27-2009, 10:35 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lenina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
effortjoy,

Many of us carefully planned our relapses, we just didn't know it at the time! You know it so why don't you prepare to plan against the relapse?

Love,

Lenina
Lenina is offline  
Old 06-27-2009, 10:43 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
tallcactus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 957
(((effortjoy))
You know that you have a drinking problem and now you are planning your next drinking session?? I say go ahead, if this is going to be the last. I know I'll probably catch a lot of crap from the members here, since I should be advising you in your stinking thinking and say "what are you thinking."
I get the feeling that you aren't really to quit just yet. From my experience, I was like you, I planned my last drinking episode and have since 2005 been sober for 5 years this month. It worked for me.
tallcactus is offline  
Old 06-27-2009, 10:44 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
effortjoy

I don't get it - I'm missing the logic in this

if I hid it that well then maybe just for the vacation this week I will drink and then I'll stop when we come home..
You spoken before about not wanting to live this way. You know you need to stop.

I don't want to be a drinker again.
Thats the first decision - now you have to work out when you're ready to stop.

It took me 2 full years to do that - there was always a job, or a crisis, or I couldn't sleep, or I felt sad, or I felt happy, or bored, or angry....and I got a LOT worse in those last two years.

I wish I'd been as self aware as you are.

Act on that self awareness, ok?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 06-27-2009, 10:54 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hi again effortjoy,

My husband didn't know I was drinking either for quite some time.And like you, I thought what the hell?He won't know, doesn't notice, so I'll just do it anyway and pretend to be sober.

I planned all my relapses too and excused myself left right and center.I always had a 'valid' reason to drink.How could I really enjoy a weekend, a vacation, a party, without alcohol?(even if I was hiding it by tipping it into my orange juice or drinking 'water' in a coffee mug....)

Underneath all this insane hiding behaviour was the fact that I had HUGE resentment against him-for NOT noticing.For NOT caring I was completely smashed every day of the damn week when he came home from work and he never said anything?If he really loved me wouldn't he freakin NOTICE?CARE?TELL ME TO STOP?DRAG ME OFF TO REHAB?....

So I pushed.I pushed this to the limit.I got more and more drunk to try and force him to acknowlege I was in pain and desperately in need of help.He continued to say nothing and eventually?I decided I had to stop for me-not him, and it's the best decision I ever made.

My husband really loves me.But he didn't show love in the way *I* wanted and as far as I was concerned at the time this just wasn't good enough.

I was punishing myself by drinking and hoping that somehow?He'd pay.Insane thinking but very real to me at the time.

I don't know if any of my experience is true for you?But reading your post reminded me of the things I used to do in your situation-and I just have to tell you I know what kind of a hell that is and I was so relieved to finally let it all go and begin to heal myself.I hope you choose to help yourself too.You don't have to keep doing this.It's so incredibly lonely and miserable.

Jules xox
Jules62 is offline  
Old 06-27-2009, 10:56 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
hendershot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
to piggy back on Dee, there will always be a "good reason" to drink some more. If you are anything like me, you will start to think about how you need to quit but not today, not tomorrow, not this week and before you know it you can go months, years, a lifetime continuing to drink. 12 days is a long time, why would you want to throw that away and start over? You can chose to do whatever you want and it sounds like you are itching to drink some more. I doubt that is the right thing to do though.
How do you relax without alcohol? By relaxing without alcohol. Really, you can only relax without alcohol once you practice doing relaxing things sober. So it won't be easier next time you have a vacation if you give in and drink this time. This stuff gets harder and harder as we progress.
hendershot is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 05:50 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,671
Every time you quit, it can get harder to quit. I hope you don't drink on vacation. You may regret it if you do.:ghug3
least is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 05:54 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
Hi Effortjoy - why is it that you desire to stop drinking?
tommyk is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 05:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Focus
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 206
This thread is way too close to reality for me but only you know what's going on inside of you. I don't think you can rely on others to make that call.

My husband made comments about me always drinking at night (had no idea how much I drank if I got home earlier than him after a rough day or after he went to bed)... years ago he threatened to leave me (before marriage) because I would get slap happy when I drank, but it wasn't malicious... I was just joking around and I stopped as soon as he indicated the problem and said he wished to dump all of the alcohol in the apartment. It was very real to him but when I told him awhile after that... years after that, like just a few nights ago that I read on a chart that I was considered a "heavy drinker" he said "so what, you like wine, just have one glass. It's good for you." I took that one glass and turned it into 3.

After only 4 years of marriage, I have learned these 2 things.

1. Most men don't notice very much! I love my husband to death and we spend TONS of time together, but I would have to be passed out on the floor day after day for my husband to think I had a drinking problem.

The more used to alcohol you get, the less you will show it often times. I just learned that it is more of the alcohol abusers, not alcoholics that show the extreme outward signs because alcoholics are used to that level in their system.

2. I'm lucky I'm not a very emotional person because men seem to be much more physical in nature... you may have noticed that as well. It's common sense maybe. We women often spend time analyzing what is going on in our lives, worrying about it, thinking there may be a problem etc and I think it takes something on a greater scale for most men to acknowledge a problem. No offense guys. It's not a bad thing.

Quit for yourself. Drinking doesn't consume my life because when I do it, I don't go out to bars/clubs, I multitask. I do productive things when I drink. I go online, I clean, I garden. I'm not sure I'm ready either. I'm already planning the 4th, going up 9 hours to visit family for a party and debating what I will drink with all of that alcohol... free, unlimited alcohol.

My goal is to last until that point and maybe overall, that isn't good but it is much better than what I would do if I didn't set that goal. Good luck to you even if this is a slow quest.
lauraandersen4 is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 08:03 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
shelly009's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Be careful... everytime you drink you risk the chance of bad things happening and falling deeper into that cycle. At this point you havnt hit a very low low bottom (I never really did either) but is that where you want to go? Some people need to hit the rock bottom before they are ready to quit. I chose to save myself before something drastic and terrible really happened. Its up to you to make the decision to quit when you are ready. Let us know how your vacation went!

Dont you think you will have more fun experiencing your vacation with a clear sober mind? Life is actually really fun when you get that monkey (booze or drugs) off your back.

Have a great time regardless!
shelly009 is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 08:20 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
God is leading the way!!!
 
Amazonqueen522's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 245
:praying for you
Amazonqueen522 is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 08:25 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,326
I hope that you don't ahead with the relapse, I really do. You have put out a lot of effort to be sober for these twelve days. Don't throw it away. And, you might be fooling your husband at this time, to believe you have been sober. I got away with that for many months too, and I'm not even sure how. But, sooner or later, it will catch up to you. Alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse unless it stops.
Anna is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 08:56 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 72
Effortjoy-
I've been reading your posts and I know you really didn't want to tell your husband about your drinking. The fact that you did is a HUGE step, and I think it means that you really do want to quit, that you really do want his support. You're just scared! There isn't anything wrong with being scared, and admitting to it is actually very brave. But if you drink on vacation you'll still be scared to quit when you get home, it won't be any easier, or any less frightening.

Going on vacation might be a great way to learn how to relax being sober. I don't know where you're going, but you can read, sightsee, nap, talk with your husband, try great restaurants... there are a ton of things to do. I think the least relaxing thing to do would be to be drinking but trying to hide it. Sounds like a lot of stress!!

Obviously you're going to do what you want to do, and I have a bad feeling you have already made up your mind to drink. But the fact that you told your husband, and the fact that you come here shows you do have a desire to quit. Listen to the advice here!!
misstep is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 09:13 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
where the light is
 
gravity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
How will I relax without alcohol?
Don't kid yourself. You will not relax WITH alcohol. It will just prolong the misery. Remember those hangovers? The sickness? Do you still believe that alcohol will somehow enhance your life?

Look at your vacation as a chance to strengthen your sobriety. Many of us don't get that kind of opportunity & had to go through early sobriety faced with non-stop challenges & responsibilities.

What your husband thinks is kind of irrelevant. My wife once told me "It's a good thing you quit before it got really bad." And there I was a physical, mental, and emotional train-wreck! That wisdom I've heard over & over "do it for yourself" is absolutely true.

I sincerely hope that everything works out for you.
gravity is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 09:17 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
If I drank until I ran out of excuses, I'd likely be in some serious trouble by now, or gravely ill/dead.

I hope you are done soon.
smacked is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 09:40 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Not all better, getting better
 
tyler's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I know for me personally relapse started long before I took the first drink or drug. It started with thinking like you are having now. Once I made up my mind "nothing could stop me", or at least so I thought. In truth, I could stop me, if I made the choice to.

You are doing well to reach out for help here. That is a good first step, one I often avoided, and still do in truth. Now you have to take what you are learning and turn it into positive action. Play out your drinking to the end. What is it really going to be like. Use your past memories and be honest with youself. Remember how you finally quit 12 days ago. Do you really want to go through that whole process again?

The final decision rests with you. You do have a choice. You can combat those thoughts creeping into your head trying to take you back. SMART SMART RecoveryŽ Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions has some worksheets to help you sort out these thoughts.

I can think of a couple of members, ZenCat and Alera, who have both stayed sober using these methods. AA may also help if you haven't tried that. The choice is your's, you can plan to relapse, or plan not to. Best of luck.
tyler is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 09:57 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
shelly009's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 237
Oh one more thing.... do you think that if you were truly honest with your husband (about the last 6 months as well) that he would support you in your quitting, maybe even urge you to quit.

The support of your significant other might really make all the difference. He cant really support you or understand the problems you are really having with this until he knows the whole story. Do you think you have been completely honest?

And also, does he drink? The first time I told my husband ( 2 years ago ) that I wanted to quit drinking he told me, and I quote "dont F%&# this up for ever body else" (meaning friends and himself of course) At the time I guess he didnt realies the extent of my problem (I didnt tell him what was really going on). AND a large part of it was that he didnt want to change his drinking patterns.

Now, over the last 2 years he has seen me slip farther and farther into it and has decided to quit with me. HOWEVER, I really wish I had been smart enough.. or strong enough just to quit a few years back when I knew it was getting bad. Now I am quite embarrassed of all of the things he has seen in the last 2 years.. things I can not take back.

Dont wait until its too late. You cant change the past... so make sure your present is something you will be proud of.

Shelly
shelly009 is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 10:22 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington DC
Posts: 138
thank you to everyone for the feedback

Our "vacations" aren't the normal, relaxing kind. It isn't just a getaway for the two of us. Instead it is a huge social/ family five day hotel pressure cooker with all the dynamics that come with everyone getting together. My husband never drinks- he is like my stable, sober anchor in more ways than one. He is thrilled that I "quit" and would probably be very disappointed to know that it's only been 12 days. The truth is that I don't know how to cope with this social scene without drinking- it just requires too much fake smiling and ignoring the resentment that I have to deal with all the tense dynamics while simultaneously making sure that my children are on perfect behaviour and everyone stays happy....
effortjoy is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 10:57 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
1_day@_a_time's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
"I'm already planning the 4th......and debating what I will drink with all of that alcohol... free, unlimited alcohol."

Just to give you or anyone else an idea of how your life can change if and when you are ready to stop: on the 4th of July, I will wake up with no hangover, no guilt or remorse about drinking & be very grateful for my life being alcohol free.

I will promptly ask Him to be with me in the moment I'm in and be with me throughout the day & help me with my thinking & though life.

I'll start the day out with some reading & praying, asking Him to be with me, all of my family and all my friends, which include each and everyone of you.

I'll ask for compassion, understanding, flexibility and tolerance. That love & tolerance be my code to others in all cases. If someone bothers me, I'll ask for patience & pause to not get angry, but pray for them, for they may well be emotionally ill and or frequently wrong & a child of God's too.

I'll thank Him I am able to run the trails of our mountians for hours on end, and complete all the endurance events I have come to love so much.

The 4th of July is a special day for me as I pause and show my gratitiude that indeed another year has passed w/o any alcohol or drugs. That my life has completely changed as I continue to recover & grow. That finally I have found a program which teaches me coping skills to live life w/o having to escape. So that I may be at peace emotionally, physically, mentally & spiritually & become happily & usefully whole.

and btw, I am incapable of ANY of this without God, a formal program of recovery (AA), the amazing assistance of a loving sponsor, applying the 12 steps & continuing to learn how to apply spiritual principles in my life, as a way of life.

I really love the 4th of July......

Last edited by 1_day@_a_time; 06-28-2009 at 11:15 AM.
1_day@_a_time is offline  
Old 06-28-2009, 12:16 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
jamdls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Planning a drinking vacation? After all I missed by being hungover or forgotten because of blackouts I can't imagine wanting to waste another minute of my life behind the cloud of booze. If this vacation is something you can't do w/o booze then I think you shouldn't go on vacation as it must be something you don't want to do that's why you need booze to get through it. You need to be up front and honest with your husband, just because you've hid it well doesn't mean it isn't killing you.
jamdls is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:01 AM.