I'm scared of my thoughts right now, and though they are excruciatingly difficult to admit because I am fully aware of how absolutely IGNORANT they are, I need to get these thoughts out of my head.
Yesterday morning I had a quick, simple procedure done at the hospital that required "twilight" sedation. I've had it done several times before, no big deal. Yesterday, at the moment the anesthesiologist pushed the drug in my IV, it hit me - I LOVE this feeling. Those 10-15-ish seconds when the drugs kick in, before I drop off asleep...I LOVE that feeling.
I woke up in pain, but I didn't even care because all I could think about was that rush, and that I really wanted to feel it again. By the time I was in my car being driven home, I was already wondering HOW I could get that rush again. And I mentally went through my phone book, picking out names of people I know who would be able to hook me up with something like that.
What is WRONG with me?!?! Who am I now? It's been over 24 hrs, and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about those people in my phone book. I've picked up the phone. Put it back down. I want to throw it against the wall! I just can't stop thinking about that feeling.
I feel like I'm standing in front of a door, with my hand on the knob, and I'm in limbo...unable to back away from the door, but unable to go through it. How do I back away? How do I get this stupid, stupid, STUPID thought out of my head? It's scaring the **** out of me.