I keep deleting everything I type. I feel like I'm going to explode. It's a mix of anger, anxiety, frustration, and the stupid cravings I'm a slave to. This is going to be a mess of a posting. I just have to get it out. I'm sorry.
I thought it would be good to confide in a friend, but she is driving me nuts & I feel like such a b*tch for even thinking that. She's constantly checking on me, which is so great of her to do, and I feel so much pressure to not disappoint her, but I'm going to. I already have. She took it all really well, but she simply doesn't understand addiction...she thinks I can just stop swallowing pills, stop swallowing alcohol, and everything will be fine. She doesn't understand that it isn't that simple. She leads the cleanest life of anyone I know. When we were kids, she & her family were my calm in the storm - they were the "normal" people I aspired to be like. She doesn't know and wouldn't understand what goes on in my head. Wow, doesn't that make me sound like a loon. Great.
She wants to sit down and work out a plan, and keeps hounding me about going to meetings, and I know in my head that these are good things, but I'm not ready. I can't do this. She's pushing me too hard & I'm getting angry at her, but how am I justified in that!? I'm not, so I haven't told her, but it's driving me insane...her incessant planning and thinking and caring and calling. I can't handle it.
I'm supposed to be on the road right now, on my way to visit her and then my family for a few days, but I woke up in the beginnings of withdrawal because I tried to cut back yesterday (pointless). I didn't want to use anything this morning because I'll be driving, but then I noticed it was warmer than usual and realized my a/c is out. So, now I'm waiting for a repair person to get here, sweating & freaking out about money because of that, and she keeps texting me and asking if I'm on the road, and now I feel like this whole trip is a mistake. I don't know what made me think I could do this. I can barely handle my own family and keeping this from them, but she has kids. I need to be clearheaded around her kids, but the simple fact that she now knows is screwing with my head. It's almost like I want to hurt her and make her angry NOW just to get it over with, because it's going to happen anyway, so why delay it? I never should have told her. Sh*t.
So, now I'm sitting here staring at my suitcase and wishing I could just cancel on everyone, but I won't. Not because I'm a nice, loving, caring person who wants to visit her friends & family. Because I know when I get there, I'll get more pills. My mom will fill her prescription for 120 for me and hand it over, and I'll probably be able to get some from my grandparents, too. By "get", I mean swipe. They never notice. I'm disgusting.
I can't do this without something in me. Waiting for oxy's to kick in and relieve some of this....whatever it is that makes me feel like I'm going to explode. But I won't drink. I keep a flask in my purse. I am that person. But I won't touch it until I get there. God, this is driving me nuts. She is the type of person who will go through my bags & take it. How am I going to do this? Is she locking up her liquor because I'm coming? Has she told her husband? They're going to be watching me. I can't stand that. I don't want to talk about any of this with her, but there's no way in hell she will let me get away with that. I am going to explode if this **** doesn't kick in soon.