I've got a lot to get out here. So I'll try not to babble on.
My day (yesterday) started with an early shift at the office. I usually work evenings, so starting at 8am was a pain. On top of that my boss gave me a talking to about slacking over over the past week (detoxing...) but I posted all about that elsewhere.
After work I had the most wonderful afternoon. I stopped by to check in with a GP, only on advice from a drug & alcohol counsellor, who was only doing her job
I also stopped by my cousins place. They are struggling addicts and I'm the only support they have! But first, I must help myself.
Late afternoon, I spent a good hour or so walking around the mall talking to strangers. It's part of a self-improvement program I'm doing, and my goal was to start a conversation with at least 5 total strangers. I achieved my goal and made it past 30, close to 40 people - I stopped counting after 10 or so.
That was all well and good, but evening time rolls around after dinner, and I had the most amazing spiritual awakening.
I've never felt so connected to the spiritual world before. I suddenly realised where all this strength and power is suddenly coming from. At least some of it. I believe that my friend, who tragically lost his life less than 2 weeks ago in a horrible drink-driving car accident, is, in a way, the Higher Power I've been searching for. Or perhaps, his passing on and my grievance has made it possible for me to connect with the spiritual world.
I drove around in my car for a while, tears streaming down my face, I'd never felt more ALIVE. It was really sad too I missed him. But he's in a better place and we'll be seeing each other again real soon. After all, life's only short anyways, the afterlife is forever.
I feel like he left me with an incredible gift when he died. I feel like he's giving me power and strength from beyond the grave. When I was driving around in my car, I swear I could see him sitting 'up there' chuckling to himself and looking down on me so smugly and at peace.
I feel like his soul, some part at least, transferred into mine, giving me the courage and strength I needed to stop f&ck!ng around and start really LIVING.
He always had such an amazing personality, so outgoing, so friendly and cheerful, always putting his friends and family before himself. He'll be sorely missed in this life.
I feel as if he's sending me spiritual energy and that's allowed me to unleash an awesome power. The side of me that's outgoing, confident and a little crazy. An also the power to say NO. The power to admit admit to myself, "Yes, I'm an addict. I can't drink or do drugs anymore because of that reason."
I don't know how I'm to make it up to him for leaving me with such an incredible gift, but he already gave me the answer last night. He told me to just live my life and do well. Don't waste it drinking and carrying on like a ********. He always wanted to help me get my sh!t together, and on top of spending his life doing things for others, he's continuing to do so in the afterlife and I can see him hanging out by the jello-pool on the lesbian cloud waiting for me when I'm done in this life.
Maybe it wasn't him actually telling me, I don't want to read into it too much, but I could see him, I could feel him, and I felt like we were really talking to each other. It didn't scare me one bit, I've never cried like that before, it was the best.
Thank you buddy, love you always, and catch up soon
The second part of my night was a little different. My other close-friend of 15 years or more is not doing well at all. He was the driver in the accident and not only did he kill his best-mate, but also a long time family friend. He'd be VERY lucky to walk away without going away for a few years.
He needs all the support he can get right now. He's given up drinking, but he's still a pothead. This is another thing that's kinda bummed me out last night, but I've reset my sobriety date and I'm here to share.
I sat with him for a few hours keeping him company and watching TV. Trying to make him laugh and just being there. But sitting in a room with 3 other people smoking pot and cigarettes, I became mildly-passively-high. It was really hard, because he needs support and I didn't want to walk in and walk right out because they were all smoking. I'm a busy man. I had a lot on my mind after arriving home last night. I'm glad I slept on it.
This only means if I'm to catch up with him, I just need to work it so it's earlier in the day or out someplace where he won't be smoking. Understand that this is a very delicate situation, he's suicidal and NEEDS the support of his close family and friends. I'm not going to be entirely selfish and tell him no I can't see you because you still smoke pot and I'm going straight. I KNOW I can't use anymore. I've made that decision and I stand by it. Besides, he's getting arrested next week and will be charged. So this time is very precious and I'm not going to avoid seeing him. However I WILL avoid seeing him if it means I have to be around passive smoke again.
And this can be applied anywhere SR brothers and sisters. We CAN'T run and hide away from drugs and alcohol. They are EVERYWHERE in our society. Drinking is considered socially acceptable and you can't go down the street without seeing a bottle-shop or a pub. And there are smokers everywhere too. If you are trying to give up smoking and everyone in your office, for example, goes outside on their break for a smoke and you used to go with them. The answer is really simple. DON'T.
You'll still have to deal with smoke in the street. They've already banned smoking inside licensed premises where I'm from. They've made it illegal to smoke near certain buildings and in public places. However, it's still peoples personal choice and if they choose to smoke then fine. There are still plenty of places where you will have to be in public and you might catch a wiff of smoke and it might tempt you, but obviously you would avoid the 'smoking areas'.
And while I'm at it, the same goes for mouthwash. I was thinking about this the other night. Am I going to stop using mouthwash because it contains alcohol? Don't make me laugh. That's so ridiculous to me. But hey, some people might believe differently, this is just what I believe.
Finally, on my walk the other day (which I posted about) where I enjoyed deep thinking, nature and just being outdoors in general, a thought entered my mind. What if a car comes around the corner right now and hits me and I end up in hospital? I got angry at the thought, not because I'd be injured, but because they'd probably have to give me pain-killers and I can't have them. Keep in mind this was day 3 or 4 I think of my detox so obviously right then would've meant I'd have to detox all over again. Sorry, I'm babbling.
I've realised, maybe sub-consciously, this tragic event has had a real impact on my life. It's affected so many people in so many ways, I feel very lucky (almost selfish in a small way) that this is what I'm choosing to do. I could go one way and fall into severe depression, probably never making it out and dying young, alone and miserable. Or I could go the other way, embrace life, change my habits and make my late friend proud. I can see him staring down and smiling, giving me encouragement and motivation.
