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Day 6 - don't open this unless you have at least 30 mins to spare



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Day 6 - don't open this unless you have at least 30 mins to spare

Old 06-17-2009, 07:36 PM
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Talking Day 6 - don't open this unless you have at least 30 mins to spare

I've got a lot to get out here. So I'll try not to babble on.

My day (yesterday) started with an early shift at the office. I usually work evenings, so starting at 8am was a pain. On top of that my boss gave me a talking to about slacking over over the past week (detoxing...) but I posted all about that elsewhere.

After work I had the most wonderful afternoon. I stopped by to check in with a GP, only on advice from a drug & alcohol counsellor, who was only doing her job I also stopped by my cousins place. They are struggling addicts and I'm the only support they have! But first, I must help myself.

Late afternoon, I spent a good hour or so walking around the mall talking to strangers. It's part of a self-improvement program I'm doing, and my goal was to start a conversation with at least 5 total strangers. I achieved my goal and made it past 30, close to 40 people - I stopped counting after 10 or so.

That was all well and good, but evening time rolls around after dinner, and I had the most amazing spiritual awakening.


I've never felt so connected to the spiritual world before. I suddenly realised where all this strength and power is suddenly coming from. At least some of it. I believe that my friend, who tragically lost his life less than 2 weeks ago in a horrible drink-driving car accident, is, in a way, the Higher Power I've been searching for. Or perhaps, his passing on and my grievance has made it possible for me to connect with the spiritual world.

I drove around in my car for a while, tears streaming down my face, I'd never felt more ALIVE. It was really sad too I missed him. But he's in a better place and we'll be seeing each other again real soon. After all, life's only short anyways, the afterlife is forever.

I feel like he left me with an incredible gift when he died. I feel like he's giving me power and strength from beyond the grave. When I was driving around in my car, I swear I could see him sitting 'up there' chuckling to himself and looking down on me so smugly and at peace.

I feel like his soul, some part at least, transferred into mine, giving me the courage and strength I needed to stop f&ck!ng around and start really LIVING.

He always had such an amazing personality, so outgoing, so friendly and cheerful, always putting his friends and family before himself. He'll be sorely missed in this life.

I feel as if he's sending me spiritual energy and that's allowed me to unleash an awesome power. The side of me that's outgoing, confident and a little crazy. An also the power to say NO. The power to admit admit to myself, "Yes, I'm an addict. I can't drink or do drugs anymore because of that reason."
I don't know how I'm to make it up to him for leaving me with such an incredible gift, but he already gave me the answer last night. He told me to just live my life and do well. Don't waste it drinking and carrying on like a ********. He always wanted to help me get my sh!t together, and on top of spending his life doing things for others, he's continuing to do so in the afterlife and I can see him hanging out by the jello-pool on the lesbian cloud waiting for me when I'm done in this life.

Maybe it wasn't him actually telling me, I don't want to read into it too much, but I could see him, I could feel him, and I felt like we were really talking to each other. It didn't scare me one bit, I've never cried like that before, it was the best.

Thank you buddy, love you always, and catch up soon



The second part of my night was a little different. My other close-friend of 15 years or more is not doing well at all. He was the driver in the accident and not only did he kill his best-mate, but also a long time family friend. He'd be VERY lucky to walk away without going away for a few years.

He needs all the support he can get right now. He's given up drinking, but he's still a pothead. This is another thing that's kinda bummed me out last night, but I've reset my sobriety date and I'm here to share.

I sat with him for a few hours keeping him company and watching TV. Trying to make him laugh and just being there. But sitting in a room with 3 other people smoking pot and cigarettes, I became mildly-passively-high. It was really hard, because he needs support and I didn't want to walk in and walk right out because they were all smoking. I'm a busy man. I had a lot on my mind after arriving home last night. I'm glad I slept on it.

This only means if I'm to catch up with him, I just need to work it so it's earlier in the day or out someplace where he won't be smoking. Understand that this is a very delicate situation, he's suicidal and NEEDS the support of his close family and friends. I'm not going to be entirely selfish and tell him no I can't see you because you still smoke pot and I'm going straight. I KNOW I can't use anymore. I've made that decision and I stand by it. Besides, he's getting arrested next week and will be charged. So this time is very precious and I'm not going to avoid seeing him. However I WILL avoid seeing him if it means I have to be around passive smoke again.


And this can be applied anywhere SR brothers and sisters. We CAN'T run and hide away from drugs and alcohol. They are EVERYWHERE in our society. Drinking is considered socially acceptable and you can't go down the street without seeing a bottle-shop or a pub. And there are smokers everywhere too. If you are trying to give up smoking and everyone in your office, for example, goes outside on their break for a smoke and you used to go with them. The answer is really simple. DON'T.

You'll still have to deal with smoke in the street. They've already banned smoking inside licensed premises where I'm from. They've made it illegal to smoke near certain buildings and in public places. However, it's still peoples personal choice and if they choose to smoke then fine. There are still plenty of places where you will have to be in public and you might catch a wiff of smoke and it might tempt you, but obviously you would avoid the 'smoking areas'.

And while I'm at it, the same goes for mouthwash. I was thinking about this the other night. Am I going to stop using mouthwash because it contains alcohol? Don't make me laugh. That's so ridiculous to me. But hey, some people might believe differently, this is just what I believe.

Finally, on my walk the other day (which I posted about) where I enjoyed deep thinking, nature and just being outdoors in general, a thought entered my mind. What if a car comes around the corner right now and hits me and I end up in hospital? I got angry at the thought, not because I'd be injured, but because they'd probably have to give me pain-killers and I can't have them. Keep in mind this was day 3 or 4 I think of my detox so obviously right then would've meant I'd have to detox all over again. Sorry, I'm babbling.




I've realised, maybe sub-consciously, this tragic event has had a real impact on my life. It's affected so many people in so many ways, I feel very lucky (almost selfish in a small way) that this is what I'm choosing to do. I could go one way and fall into severe depression, probably never making it out and dying young, alone and miserable. Or I could go the other way, embrace life, change my habits and make my late friend proud. I can see him staring down and smiling, giving me encouragement and motivation.

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Old 06-17-2009, 08:36 PM
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I'm sorry to hear of your loss but I'm glad you almost have a week Billy.

I had many friends like yours who still used, and yet who I felt needed me. That's a tough and very narrow path to follow, man.

Be sure always that your intent is pure Billy - I know from experience it's easy to talk yourself into being around temptation, and easier still to fall for it.

Being a little bit stoned, just by being there, is not a good thing to be for you right now. I'm glad you're making plans to avoid that.

I applaud your sense of duty mate - for me I had to make my own life in the end, and my friends understood...and they survived w/out me.

It wasn't selfish - I'd be no good to anyone dead and I would be now if I hadn't made the break.

Do what you must SB - but be vigilant too.
D

Last edited by Dee74; 06-17-2009 at 08:51 PM.
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:50 PM
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Your post touched me deep inside & I could feel that your friend was right there with you & still is looking over you, it must be beautiful to have an angel looking over your shoulder.

Your outlook on his passing & knowing that he is in a better place & waiting to see you again one day is so powerful.

Thank you & your friend for your inspiring post.

NB
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Old 06-17-2009, 10:05 PM
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Thanks Dee. I know it's tough, but he barely has anybody right now. Enough lives were lost in the drunken driving incident we DON'T need any more young people leaving us just yet.

This is for you NB :ghug3
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Old 06-18-2009, 12:18 AM
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hey sillybilly, that wasn't too long for me, you are an inspiration and your passion helps be get vigilant about being sober (thats an awesome gift). Actually you made me realise something tonight, I just got my wisdom teeth out today and I am probably the only person on the planet enjoying the experience:wtf2, your post made me realise why, I get to take huge amounts of panadeine forte, I mean seriously I'm a sicko, this is such a mind warp, I read your post and checked my mouthwash, and yeah no more pain medication for the teeth either....

My husband is a stoner and has not stopped (he is not an alcoholic) it has made getting sober a BIG challenge, however getting stoned for me was always habitual (alcohol & other drugs were different), my balcony with with friends, my lazy boy chair, music playing, TV (yes I moved my tv outside so could get stoned and watch tv at the same time. Now just looking at the the balcony and that lazyboy chair can really trigger cravings, so my husband is now out there on his own, sometimes with friends, which I cannot help it, it really makes me angry, I know its not fair but its sooo hard to watch them, I have joined them a few times, but I found it very difficult.

However seeing my friends in a different environment does not trigger the cravings so much, nor does emotional stuff, in fact i feel proud of myself for being more in tune with people and actually able to listen to their emotions and problems rather than being wasted, just not on my balcony I guess having people in your 'stoner room' smoking is going to be a HUGE trigger, combine that with emotionally loaded situation and it is really tough, you have answered these questions yourself, you can be there for your friends but a change of environment might aliviate the pressure on you.

p.s. Thanks for sharing your spiritual experience, that is truly really special, a part of you is opening up and receptive to something strong and higher than all of us, it makes me feel humble just thinking about it!

Last edited by martha27; 06-18-2009 at 12:34 AM.
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Old 06-18-2009, 12:25 AM
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technical issues!
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Old 06-18-2009, 12:55 AM
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Hey, that only took a couple minutes to read, I still have 28 minutes to spare.

I feel ya billy and hope it goes ok for your friend.
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Old 06-18-2009, 01:22 AM
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thank you billy for your touching post.like martha said you are opening up.be ever vigilant,could your friend maybe visit you?,,,thanks again.:ghug
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Old 06-18-2009, 01:43 AM
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Martha I don't know what to say but thank you :ghug3
It's comments like your that make me take my breath away and I'm truly touched you feel that way. I know I can do this, and hearing you say that just reinforces that belief only further. I'm so happy to hear you stopped taking your pain meds, well done. And I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation. It IS really hard isn't it. But I see now you also recognise your 'danger areas' and certain 'triggers'. We can do it Martha!

My suggestion is to get rid of the lay-z-boy, toss it out, give it away. Bring your TV back inside. Replace your 'stoner habits' with something else. Do it now while you have the motivation since you are already throwing your pain meds out. Massive hugs and much, much love to you Martha.

PS you're not a sicko, I had some dental work done several weeks ago before my sobriety and I think, deep inside, part of me ONLY got the work done so I could get a script for fortes. We are all the same, we are all addicts. But together, we are strong and we can achieve ANYTHING. Keep on track, you are helping me as much as I'm helping you.


Thanks firestorm, I appreciate the kind words and your time


Thank you for stopping by charmain. Unfortunately my friend is still off work with serious injuries to his leg so he is more or less, home-ridden. He can still walk, but he needs his rest. I love your input though. It just gave me an idea. Perhaps I should invite him out somewhere, for a game of 8-ball, to the movies or even the bowling alley when he gets better. Something 'normal'


PS Martha, how good is sober emotional bonding? Isn't it the best? I just love it.
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Old 06-18-2009, 07:25 AM
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Shoot, I've babbled on far longer and made far less sense than that before!!!

I had a similar experience with a close friend dying unexpectedly. Unfortunately I didn't use the experience as well as you are. I continued on my reckless path for several more years, but I have always felt that somehow he is there looking down on me, waiting for me to get it right. Understand this is from a guy who doesn't believe in heaven or hell or even God, with a capital G!! But like you, I still felt it.

BTW, good on ya for looking out for your mate, and even more for understanding how you need to go about doing it. Also good job only getting a "contact" high and not takin a hit or two "for old times sake". I don't think I would have had the same strength, pot is definately my drug of choice.

All in all, sounds like you're making good progress. Congrats on that!!
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Old 06-18-2009, 09:15 AM
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Thanks mate I appreciate the kind words.

All I can say is, good on you brother for getting there eventually. Some people spend their entire lives in a drugged up haze and after embracing sobriety I realise how much they are actually missing out on.

UNITY
:ghug


My kitty missed me today. He wandered in to my room just before for our daily ritual. I go overboard with stroking and caressing him and then we move on to wrestling. He loves it and it tires him out so much he usually passes out on my pillow when we're done. Cute little guy.




I've had a very long day. For the first time in YEARS and YEARS I drove home from work tonight without the radio on. It was nice to have control over my thoughts, and focus my mind. I just let my mind wander .. free .. I used to be afraid of doing that.

Nightie night everybody. Love you all.
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Old 06-18-2009, 04:31 PM
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hey billy, you're not so silly!! I love your posts, gosh you make me look like an emotional gnome, I am ahead of you in sobriety days but you are way ahead of me in terms of insight, strength and emotional health! I love reading your posts and your cat is gorgeous to, I have a britsh blue called, guess what? yeh Martha and she weighs 10kg, everyone has a problem and hers is obesity...I have become a feeder.

PS - I threw out the lazy boy chair, and yeah I have to agree the relationships I have on SR have been the first healthy sober relationships I have had in 12 years and I feel like a kid in a candy store, even being at work is different, I feel real, gritty real and weirdly my sense of smell is coming back, I never realised I lost it, bizarre
PPS - Thanks to Tyler for your post I love them too, but pot was all ways the bride and booze was always the groom for me, I don't miss the feeling of pot just the habit, but you alway have such great advice and support.

Have a great day everyone - One day at a time!
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Old 06-18-2009, 06:05 PM
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I think I love you martha how does your other half feel about threesomes?

I want to share something with everybody that has worked really well for me over the past week. I set aside up to 2 hours each day for myself, just to allow time to feel. I find it clears my mind, balances out my energy levels and just takes a load off.

I cry, I laugh, I scream (best to do this alone he he) I reminisce old memories - good AND bad - I think about my lost friend, sometimes we get to talking, sometimes not. He might be off looking after somebody else. The word 'full-time' barely even lands in the same ballpark as a fitting description for a guardian angel.

I'm glad you threw out your chair martha, keep the ball rolling, don't stop now, IMO it just gets easier when things are in motion. My sense of smell returned several days ago .. I loved it. I posted this previously, I was out on a walk when I first really noticed. I had to stop and smell the bushes and trees - it was wonderful.


PS I've reset my Sobriety Date in my profile back to the 13th. I understand little 'hurdles' like the aforementioned situation with my close-friend are going to be there for the rest of my life. I'm not going to reset the clock every time I hit a hurdle. If I lapse or go the big r r r ree-lapse, then I'll have to reset it.


Good morning brother and sisters, it's another beautiful, wonderful, marvelous day to be alive on gods green earth, let's not waste it. I've the day off work AND it's my first day with my personal trainer. I so excited I think I just peed a little.
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Old 06-19-2009, 07:12 PM
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Wink

Thank you billy you are inspirational and made what has been a rather crappy day much sweeter.

I love your quote:

"Good morning brother and sisters, it's another beautiful, wonderful, marvelous day to be alive on gods green earth, let's not waste it. I've the day off work AND it's my first day with my personal trainer. I so excited I think I just peed a little"

Great idea re getting beautiful: allocating time for oneself, we could all start to look like celebrities in recovery very soon.

However I am starting to already feel like the most selfish person on earth, its all MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME! So I am going to take some time to focus on others for a while, I will be thinking of you!
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Old 06-19-2009, 08:07 PM
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Ok but don't rush anything in that department martha!

"Before you can save the world you must first save yourself"

I'm probably wording it wrong, I don't know who wrote it so I cannot give credit to the original author.

Still, I should be following my own advice but sometimes when people need you, you just have to be there for them and put your own issues aside, no matter what stage of recovery you're at.

I had a similar experience with a close friend dying unexpectedly. Unfortunately I didn't use the experience as well as you are. I continued on my reckless path for several more years, but I have always felt that somehow he is there looking down on me, waiting for me to get it right. Understand this is from a guy who doesn't believe in heaven or hell or even God, with a capital G!! But like you, I still felt it.
I am so happy you still feel connected to the spiritual world in some way. It's phenomenal isn't it? I used to be an atheist, now things have changed a little and I can see the changes will continue.

We all need a guardian angel to help us in our recovery. Someone to turn to when things are sh!te, someone to watch over us and help guide us, someone who will be there waiting for us when we reach our final destination - in this life. If you believe in the afterlife, which I do .. now.

Last edited by SillyBilly; 06-19-2009 at 08:36 PM.
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