christin1225

It's great to read you posting, Tish. How are you?

I haven't been blabbing my recent exploits. I had ten days clean, messed up a couple days, one good, one not so good, one good (yesterday) but today sucks (though I haven't used...YET). Sorry.

I just made myself get back out of bed because I'm just letting my life pass by. When I start obsessing as much as I am today, I just want to hold up somewhere until I feel sane again. When I'm up and moving, my head is scheming. I hate it.

This morning, my husband said, "I've got to do something with my sixteen-year-old today. He wants to do something. I just can't leave him by himself." It made me cry. Damn! I was the one who used to be the GOOD parent!! What is so frustrating is that just a small handful of pills and I can act like that GOOD parent again. My head will be quieted. I will be feeling good. And I can go and try this sobriety stuff tomorrow. That's what my head keeps telling me. But, tomorrow or the day after will give me another reason to use. I know that. I really expected it to be better by now. I feel like I just don't have what it takes.

Right now, I don't even want anyone to support me anymore. WOW! I had no intention of typing all that. Sorry, Jimba. I really hijacked this thread this time. Honestly, sometimes I think that I just need to stop fighting. I had a moment this morning when I sensed the relief that I would have in surrendering -- to the addiction that is. I've fought this thing from day one. I'm tired, Tish. When my head is such a mess, I don't have the energy to fight and I can't seem to get the concept of surrendering to recovery. I have all the best advice, all the best people behind me, and I still can't do what I need to do.

Well, I guess for anyone who read this, my screw ups are now public.