Hi there,
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Your apology is unnecessary but appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing in this relationship. I have so many thoughts and so many feelings that pull me in so many different directions. And I have so much to learn.
I don't know what I'm doing. I thought moving out and having my "safe haven", my "escape", was a good thing. A year ago the thought of moving out was an absolute no, wasn't going to happen. I was so afraid of what he'd do to himself that I chose to stay behind and put up with what he dealt my direction just so I could be close enough to protect him (from himself). When I chose to move out, I chose to accept that I couldn't control what he'd do to himself. I accepted that what he did do was not my fault. I was proud of myself for that. I was proud of myself for finally thinking that way; a way I knew I should have thought a year ago.
But deep down I honestly believed that completely giving up on the want to protect him might be harder than I thought. I wasn't sure if it was something I could really do on my own. As much as I wanted it, deep down I still have this instinct to want to protect those unable to protect themselves.
So I got on here, in a way to brag about this (what was to me) a HUGE decision, an accomplishment (the first step in making things better for me) in hopes someone out there took the same step and had the same fears and could reassure me that I had done the right thing and the next step is "this".
But the majority of what I got was listening to how I really didn't do a darn thing and what I did do didn't matter because it wasn't enough. It took 2 years for him and his drinking to beat me down the way it did. I didn't know I was expected to fix it overnight. I thought this was the best place of all to talk about steps I was taking to fix where my life had gone wrong.
Anyway. Thank you for clarifying your post, it really does mean a lot to me.
Krystin