Dear kv816, will you forgive me?
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Dear kv816, will you forgive me?
Dr kv816,
A couple of days ago I believed I sensed that still small voice of God speaking to my spirit moving me to read SR. So I did believing that if I was correctly sensing this there was something I was meant to readed. So I read alot here a couple of days ago. I figured it was going to be something for me, that i needed to hear in relation to me and AH. It wasn't , I believe it was about how I posted a response to you and need to see my mistake.
I found this posted on Friends and Family of Alcoholics. I thought one of the reasons it may have been posted is because of your thread and its responses.( I could be wrong.) I was convicted to go back and read my post to you:
I said:
>>After this I won't respond to you if your post continue on the line of thinking of
" but i know i will go back." If nothing changes, nothing changes. We here would just be feeding the insanity to comment on your venting. So I hope you move from honest venting to what action you are taking. Your honesty about your behavior here was a good thing, if it is for the purpose of moving beyond what ? you really don't want to be doing? Yes?>>
When I wrote this I was concerned it came off harsh but i could not think of another way to say it. Note that i was also writing in perspective to myself in a sense of a boundary. My heart did not intend to be harsh. I tried to reveal my heart more clearly by the last sentence above but I understand that it might not have helped.
This is a good example that how you explain a perspective, from the positive or negative can make a huge world of difference to the heart of a reader. Below is the perspective I actually wanted to convey kv816 and should have not pushed the post button until I could better convey it:
kv, can I plead with you not to have an attitude of "but I know I will go back." I am concerned for you. If you post you are tempted to go back or struggling with it ,when nothing has changed with the ABF, I will be here to lift you up and remind you why you may not want to do that.
(Just to note, when I said thank you to the "you are a volunteer" post I was taking that in for me mostly, in view of being conscious of what I volunteer for when speaking to someone else . For me that post was a reality check of when I claim I know better I have to be prepared to evaluate what I am willing to become a volunteer for.)
While I said the same thing my language was such as to shut you down instead of possibly open you up. I am so sorry, will you forgive me? My heart was truly not in a place to tear you down but I understand that I wrote in a way that I would not be trusted to build you up. I am so sorry. I hope this clarifies that my bad attempt was intended to build you up. Hopeful I did not do so much damage that I couldn't be among the trusted for you when you need a friend here of SR.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
love tammy
proverbs 20:5
A couple of days ago I believed I sensed that still small voice of God speaking to my spirit moving me to read SR. So I did believing that if I was correctly sensing this there was something I was meant to readed. So I read alot here a couple of days ago. I figured it was going to be something for me, that i needed to hear in relation to me and AH. It wasn't , I believe it was about how I posted a response to you and need to see my mistake.
I found this posted on Friends and Family of Alcoholics. I thought one of the reasons it may have been posted is because of your thread and its responses.( I could be wrong.) I was convicted to go back and read my post to you:
I said:
>>After this I won't respond to you if your post continue on the line of thinking of
" but i know i will go back." If nothing changes, nothing changes. We here would just be feeding the insanity to comment on your venting. So I hope you move from honest venting to what action you are taking. Your honesty about your behavior here was a good thing, if it is for the purpose of moving beyond what ? you really don't want to be doing? Yes?>>
When I wrote this I was concerned it came off harsh but i could not think of another way to say it. Note that i was also writing in perspective to myself in a sense of a boundary. My heart did not intend to be harsh. I tried to reveal my heart more clearly by the last sentence above but I understand that it might not have helped.
This is a good example that how you explain a perspective, from the positive or negative can make a huge world of difference to the heart of a reader. Below is the perspective I actually wanted to convey kv816 and should have not pushed the post button until I could better convey it:
kv, can I plead with you not to have an attitude of "but I know I will go back." I am concerned for you. If you post you are tempted to go back or struggling with it ,when nothing has changed with the ABF, I will be here to lift you up and remind you why you may not want to do that.
(Just to note, when I said thank you to the "you are a volunteer" post I was taking that in for me mostly, in view of being conscious of what I volunteer for when speaking to someone else . For me that post was a reality check of when I claim I know better I have to be prepared to evaluate what I am willing to become a volunteer for.)
While I said the same thing my language was such as to shut you down instead of possibly open you up. I am so sorry, will you forgive me? My heart was truly not in a place to tear you down but I understand that I wrote in a way that I would not be trusted to build you up. I am so sorry. I hope this clarifies that my bad attempt was intended to build you up. Hopeful I did not do so much damage that I couldn't be among the trusted for you when you need a friend here of SR.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
love tammy
proverbs 20:5
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Hi there,
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Your apology is unnecessary but appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing in this relationship. I have so many thoughts and so many feelings that pull me in so many different directions. And I have so much to learn.
I don't know what I'm doing. I thought moving out and having my "safe haven", my "escape", was a good thing. A year ago the thought of moving out was an absolute no, wasn't going to happen. I was so afraid of what he'd do to himself that I chose to stay behind and put up with what he dealt my direction just so I could be close enough to protect him (from himself). When I chose to move out, I chose to accept that I couldn't control what he'd do to himself. I accepted that what he did do was not my fault. I was proud of myself for that. I was proud of myself for finally thinking that way; a way I knew I should have thought a year ago.
But deep down I honestly believed that completely giving up on the want to protect him might be harder than I thought. I wasn't sure if it was something I could really do on my own. As much as I wanted it, deep down I still have this instinct to want to protect those unable to protect themselves.
So I got on here, in a way to brag about this (what was to me) a HUGE decision, an accomplishment (the first step in making things better for me) in hopes someone out there took the same step and had the same fears and could reassure me that I had done the right thing and the next step is "this".
But the majority of what I got was listening to how I really didn't do a darn thing and what I did do didn't matter because it wasn't enough. It took 2 years for him and his drinking to beat me down the way it did. I didn't know I was expected to fix it overnight. I thought this was the best place of all to talk about steps I was taking to fix where my life had gone wrong.
Anyway. Thank you for clarifying your post, it really does mean a lot to me.
Krystin
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. Your apology is unnecessary but appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing in this relationship. I have so many thoughts and so many feelings that pull me in so many different directions. And I have so much to learn.
I don't know what I'm doing. I thought moving out and having my "safe haven", my "escape", was a good thing. A year ago the thought of moving out was an absolute no, wasn't going to happen. I was so afraid of what he'd do to himself that I chose to stay behind and put up with what he dealt my direction just so I could be close enough to protect him (from himself). When I chose to move out, I chose to accept that I couldn't control what he'd do to himself. I accepted that what he did do was not my fault. I was proud of myself for that. I was proud of myself for finally thinking that way; a way I knew I should have thought a year ago.
But deep down I honestly believed that completely giving up on the want to protect him might be harder than I thought. I wasn't sure if it was something I could really do on my own. As much as I wanted it, deep down I still have this instinct to want to protect those unable to protect themselves.
So I got on here, in a way to brag about this (what was to me) a HUGE decision, an accomplishment (the first step in making things better for me) in hopes someone out there took the same step and had the same fears and could reassure me that I had done the right thing and the next step is "this".
But the majority of what I got was listening to how I really didn't do a darn thing and what I did do didn't matter because it wasn't enough. It took 2 years for him and his drinking to beat me down the way it did. I didn't know I was expected to fix it overnight. I thought this was the best place of all to talk about steps I was taking to fix where my life had gone wrong.
Anyway. Thank you for clarifying your post, it really does mean a lot to me.
Krystin
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Sorry to budge in,
But I wanted to say that, that we do all love and care about you! And we want what is best for you. You were very strong to leave and we want you to continue to move to the next step. I think that this board has done that for me. It challenges me to more forward. We are all here to support one another through our experience strength and hope.
But I wanted to say that, that we do all love and care about you! And we want what is best for you. You were very strong to leave and we want you to continue to move to the next step. I think that this board has done that for me. It challenges me to more forward. We are all here to support one another through our experience strength and hope.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I read your thread too (didn't post: I'm having log-in/password issues), having just had my H leave the house, I understand how hard it is to make that transition and stick to it, to get through the many, many, chances to back down, to resist the pressure and the wheedling and the pain in someone else.
It deserves a fanfare. It is a big thing.
I can't speak for those who posted, and I can see how that could come accross if I was the OP. I often see in peoples posts a profound frustration, and fear, that someone they care about is still in harms way: a need to rescue LOL, who'd thave thought it?. Other people's frustration is not your issue though, we have no more accountability for other's feelings on here than to an addict's. That's not to say I am not concerned for your safety: I very much am. I hope above all that you and your children are safe and that you can find a way out of living in fear that works for you all.
We all move forward at the pace we do, our emotions and thinking evolve at their own pace. I wish I had a magic wand that could make all of us "better" and "healthy" and "happy" and "safe" overnight. But I don't, and I have a feeling that we have to go through the experience to learn it. Me: I'm one of the sloooooowwwwwww ones. I've been here forever. H has moved out, we are seperated, but still keeping our relationship as an option on the table. I don't know what I'm doing either. The breathing space that living on my own gives me is wonderful.
I'm also finding counselling really supportive and of great value in untangling my feelings and thoughts and trying to weed out what is wishful thinking and magical thinking and what is real, I forget if you have that, or any domestic violence resources at your call?
It deserves a fanfare. It is a big thing.
I can't speak for those who posted, and I can see how that could come accross if I was the OP. I often see in peoples posts a profound frustration, and fear, that someone they care about is still in harms way: a need to rescue LOL, who'd thave thought it?. Other people's frustration is not your issue though, we have no more accountability for other's feelings on here than to an addict's. That's not to say I am not concerned for your safety: I very much am. I hope above all that you and your children are safe and that you can find a way out of living in fear that works for you all.
We all move forward at the pace we do, our emotions and thinking evolve at their own pace. I wish I had a magic wand that could make all of us "better" and "healthy" and "happy" and "safe" overnight. But I don't, and I have a feeling that we have to go through the experience to learn it. Me: I'm one of the sloooooowwwwwww ones. I've been here forever. H has moved out, we are seperated, but still keeping our relationship as an option on the table. I don't know what I'm doing either. The breathing space that living on my own gives me is wonderful.
I'm also finding counselling really supportive and of great value in untangling my feelings and thoughts and trying to weed out what is wishful thinking and magical thinking and what is real, I forget if you have that, or any domestic violence resources at your call?
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Thank you kv816 for telling me it wasn't necessary, however, it was for me.:-)
Overall the reason why so much fanfare over leaving wasn't made is because in the same post you talk about him hitting you and you kept going back to the "person" even though you left the residence. You showed yourself pounding your head against the wall,.... remember.:-) With that kind of head pounding I could see why you might forget.
I believe most, like me, were responding with a heightened concern of"warning" as it appeared you needed to be shaken up as to how serious a procession this is . This "shake up" would have come from what we see objectively standing outside of your situation. I believe I was not the only one who's action ( in writing) wanted to shake you up , hoping that you would respond.
We were being like the doctor who screams and smacks at the patient with a head injury/concussion who will not allow them to fall asleep..... because we were giving care in the emergency , so that there might be something to care for long term.
We viewed you as in need of such a kind of emergency care. Well. I did.
So what are you thinking now?
love tammy
Overall the reason why so much fanfare over leaving wasn't made is because in the same post you talk about him hitting you and you kept going back to the "person" even though you left the residence. You showed yourself pounding your head against the wall,.... remember.:-) With that kind of head pounding I could see why you might forget.
I believe most, like me, were responding with a heightened concern of"warning" as it appeared you needed to be shaken up as to how serious a procession this is . This "shake up" would have come from what we see objectively standing outside of your situation. I believe I was not the only one who's action ( in writing) wanted to shake you up , hoping that you would respond.
We were being like the doctor who screams and smacks at the patient with a head injury/concussion who will not allow them to fall asleep..... because we were giving care in the emergency , so that there might be something to care for long term.
We viewed you as in need of such a kind of emergency care. Well. I did.
So what are you thinking now?
love tammy
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
lol....Yea, from what you have said about him that works too. Now its good for 2 perspectives.
Seriously though KV, I read what you wrote on another thread reply. He sounds really possessive. Have you ever read anything on the red flag characteristics of domestically violent men?
Seriously though KV, I read what you wrote on another thread reply. He sounds really possessive. Have you ever read anything on the red flag characteristics of domestically violent men?
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