Its one thing to lose your license. and a whole other thing when your kids gets picked up for robbery and is in the street 24/7 lookin homeless and acting like they dont care if they live or die.
I know I have walked through my doors after a week in the street. Looking like I literally crawled out of a gutter. Same clothes for days. No shower,no food ,burned up lips. Beat up looking like I got my ass kicked. Stinking like I dont have a home.
I have taken my addiciton to the limits of no turning back so many times. When you are sitting on a bridge looking down and just trying to get the courage to let go. Sitting with a gun in your hand doing the same thing. When addiction has taken to those levels. Its very very serious and very very scary.
My gram watched me stab myself in the chest with a pair of scissors one night. Jump out of moving cars. Try and fight a gang of people cause I was so messed up I didnt know what I was doing. I put her in danger more ways than I care to rememeber. By having her take me to the hood to cop drugs. When do you draw the line?
I just asked her why she never let me go.
She said cause she loves me. She was afraid I would never come back. BEcause she knows how violent I get and was afraid someone would kill me.
I asked her if she thought had she let me feel my consequences and let me fall. What she thought would happen. She said I would be dead.
I dont know how true that is.
I know my father wants me to learn o my own. But my father has never been a part of my life anyway. So theres really no telling the difference. I think for him it is a cop out. Another way he doesnt have to deal with me. He wasnt there when I was a kid. Why should he start? I am too big of a reminder to him of what he lost in his own addiction. I know in my heart what I am to him. I remind him of everything he lost that he loved so much. And he cant stand it. And I know he wishes he would have treated her better.
And now his life is nothing like he wanted. But he is stuck with it and just goes with the flow now. But I know in the back of his mind. He still wishes he had what he threw away.