Hi Tooblue, and welcome.
I'm glad you found us. There's a ton of useful information and a mountain of support here. It's a little quiet on the weekends so please hang in there.
In the meantime, I would invite you to read through some of the threads on the board, and learn all you can about the many ugly faces of alcoholism, especially the recovery period. In particular, be sure to read through the Sticky posts on the very top of the forum; there is a great deal of supportive material up there.
Have you ever considered trying Al-Anon meetings, or seeking personal counseling to help sort out the confusing tangle of emotions you're having to deal with? Al-Anon is for friends & family like us, to share experiences, strength, and hope; and counseling/therapy was really priceless to me when I was in a similar situation
and had to really clarify what I was willing to put up with. Clarity on what you want & need, and on what your boundaries are, will really help you.
Take care of yourself, and I hope you stick around. Lots of terrific folks here.
GL