I'm sorry you're hurting, FunnyOne. In some kinds of buddhism, they call your former dysfunctional life "the cocoon." Sure, it's unhealthy, and dark, and somewhat smelly, but darnit, it was familiar to you and probably felt mostly normal. It didn't hurt at times, because you were so used to the constant pain it became background noise.
Leaving the cocoon hurts at first. It's terrifying, and sad, and miserable. The problem is that your cocoon doesn't even exist any more. You can't go back; you can only go forward.
When faced with a situation where I was crippled by desire for a situation that could never exist again -- by desire for a fantasy, in other words -- I had to get myself into therapy and start building a vision of a different life. I had to find other pleasures, other things that built up my self-esteem, other things I loved. My counselor helped me do that, block by block.
And believe me, I didn't want to start over either. Nuh-uh.
I can't promise you that your new, different life will be better than the one you had before, but I'd be willing to bet it will be.
Do you have someone you can turn to, to help you build it?
GL