FunnyOne

OK, so maybe I really feel this, or maybe I am in the bargaining phase of my grief....but I MISS MY FAMILY! I miss my life as I knew it.

Quick history...whether my 19 year old daughter "learned" that to get your way you badger, verbally and emotionally abuse, lie to, trick, and make mom think she is crazy from my AH or maybe she came by it honestly by genetics.
She is a personality clone of her dad, yet very committed to not (at this point) putting a substance in her body.

I call them both "missile instant gratifiers". When they see/know what they want there is a missile between their brain and their desire and anyone that stands in the way will get blasted. No holes barred when in pursuit.

I was always the doormat....holding firm at first and then wearing down with both of them attacking me at the same time.

Then I started working my codie steps (again since I worked them when I was first married) and I detached, began living my life, and their "antics" had little affect on me. OH MY, did the roof blow! They each self imploded.

Neither live here now. Husband went into rehab and is sober but is faking the program. Thinks divorce will make him happy even though we are in minimal contact by email. Daughter is living 700 miles away and since I was no longer shamed into being her bank roll has informed me that she no longer has use for me in her life. And it has stuck for over a month, she has gone no contact with ME!

I have had a tough weekend alone here...albeit "did" what I was supposed to do, lost my head to the earth and my gardens have never looked better, cleaned the closet, the freezer, the garage...did my steps, meditated, prayed like a fiend...but as I layed in bed both nights I sobbed that the life I always saw, with my family together through marriages, grandbabies, holidays was not to be. He was a futz, but he was the futz I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I swear I wish I would have just continued to be the sacrificial patsy I was. When my son could come home from the Navy for a brief stay and NOT have to share his time between dad's apt and our house. When my daughter shared her life (and yes her poison) with me.

I know there are probably all these wonderful promises waiting for me, but quite frankly, at 53 I really don't feel like "starting over" again.

Helllppp

GiveLove

I'm sorry you're hurting, FunnyOne. In some kinds of buddhism, they call your former dysfunctional life "the cocoon." Sure, it's unhealthy, and dark, and somewhat smelly, but darnit, it was familiar to you and probably felt mostly normal. It didn't hurt at times, because you were so used to the constant pain it became background noise.

Leaving the cocoon hurts at first. It's terrifying, and sad, and miserable. The problem is that your cocoon doesn't even exist any more. You can't go back; you can only go forward.

When faced with a situation where I was crippled by desire for a situation that could never exist again -- by desire for a fantasy, in other words -- I had to get myself into therapy and start building a vision of a different life. I had to find other pleasures, other things that built up my self-esteem, other things I loved. My counselor helped me do that, block by block.

And believe me, I didn't want to start over either. Nuh-uh.

I can't promise you that your new, different life will be better than the one you had before, but I'd be willing to bet it will be.

Do you have someone you can turn to, to help you build it?


GL

ItsmeAlice

My heart goes out to you. What you dreamed of as your life is not what came to be, and now at 53 you have no idea what to do with the rest of your life. Unless you are able to see the future (which I doubt) you have no reason to believe you aren't only half of the way through life so now is a sad time to throw in the towel, no?

I think dysfunctional families of one form or another are more the norm than not these days. You are dreaming of a family dynamic that never existed and now out of lonlines, you want to return to the height of dysfunction rather than take the empty slate you have and right down a few other dreams you have. Kind of a bucket list, if you want to see it that way. Something to fill the time you have left on this earth rather than be miserable maybe?

I want you to find something to get up in the morning for. Mentor a child. Volunteer at a children's hospital or an elder-care center. There are others in this world who need you and want you in their lives. It may not be the family you thought it would be but it may be a family of another kind. How about sharing your green thumb with others and volunteer locally to plant flowers for those who are housebound and can't have a garden without help.

With my heart,
Alice

FunnyOne

Give Love, I'm having so much trouble accepting the fact that the cocoon blew away in the wind....can't I build another one real quick and fix everything like I used to. Be careful what you wish for.......but I realize that the best might be yet to come. It was all so sudden, just in January we were making plans to celebrate our 25th.

Unfortunately, my family is far away. I have less friends than I thought I did, but two good ones that have stuck with me, albeit one because she is going through a divorce also. I can't believe how many people book when they see you aren't your chipper little positive self. I don't wear people out with woes, but I even have some friends that backed off without calling when they heard of my husband leaving. Funny, it wasn't choosing sides, he had no friends as he was in the antisocial phase of illness.

Alice, I still have one at home who wears me out driving to all his events, and with work, a too big house, I have little time or energy to give anymore of myself. You know, after giving for so many years I just want to "be" but it feels so strange to me.

I also think that when you are the product of emotional abuse you feel like you're the damaged one....all the collusion and illusion and of course the two of them ganging up and sometimes dragging the boys into it. So when I read about people that go "no contact" and I'm that person in half my family, I start to feel like maybe I really AM the problem. But when I do my inventory, I realize that my sin was being too accomodating, doing too much for them, but all in good intention. I didn't deceive, or engage covertly or manipulate. It's just when you have been bullied into believing that YOU are the crazy one, it's hard to believe that you are not.

Still, I do believe that one day, when they both mature, there might be a shot at a meaningful relationship.

Thanks for responding. It's nice to know you are out there.

MeHandle

I have nothing to say in "help".

People are imperfect and life is really hard and hurtful sometimes. Sounds like your in this place. I want to pray for you after reading this and keep my mouth shout as my situation to kids and the AH is on the opposite end. The truth is I am in this place with my AH," Would you go away!" My AH won't leave and wrongly believes my love is his hope for not drinking. I guess he has missed the part where i was with him 21 years before i asked for a divorce.

Sometimes you can't help the hurt heart. I can just be there and say I see the hurt.

Someday you will do what I can't do for you here. You will minister to others because of your specific situation and your hurts, because you will be one of the people who can relate to their specific hurts. Your pain will someday serve someone and help bring them comfort... and because of this bring you something more then hurt, that will be good.

Praying.....really. Not just talk.

naive

funnyone-

i just keep telling myself "this too will pass..." and keep putting one foot in front of the other. some days are ok, others are not but tomorrow is always another day.

as for your daughter, well, she's 19. let her go out into the world of hard knocks for awhile. maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't but you certainly don't do her any favors continually bailing her out. it's sad that she's gone no contact once the purse closed but that's who she is right now and it gives you an opportunity to get on with your own life. i know you don't know what that might be right now, but give it a bit of time. i know its tough being a mother....but really, the best thing that you can do in your love for her is to keep communicating honestly and set your boundaries.

as for your friends that fled, oh well...what kind of friend is that anyway? it's a surface friendship and as soon as your situation threatened their status quo, they left.

yes, it's lonely but loneliness will not kill you. i have a feeling that you are one strong lady and that you are going to come through this just fine.

naive

Seren

I'm so sorry you are hurting and that you still grieve sometimes...the good news is that it is perfectly normal and it will pass.

How glorious to not constantly be attacked all the time! How nice to know that you are not held hostage by the winds of their moods, needs, ..... whims!

Hugs and prayers to you as you move forward with your life....a life that may not be what you always wanted, but can be 1,000 times better than it was and just as good as the one you had imagined!!!!

HG

catlady61

Funny One, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I know that feeling too of just wishing to have continued being there & letting family members walk all over you. I also feel that at 48 I am too old and have no desire to start all over. I have cleaned things I never even thought about cleaning over the past few days. And now I am here .....just here........I am not sure if the alcoholic in my life is only going thru his meetings & counseling because its court ordered or because he wants a change in his life, but it feels like I probably wont be a part of the new life he finds......... so after dealing with all the ups & downs, I now have to "find" a place for myself. I feel for you .....but as long as we so very very slow day by day we will be ok.

Live

((((((((((hugs))))))))))


I am 50 and recently divorced.

A few years ago I was willingly supporting my daughter financially in order for her to do what was important....stay in college and be a good mother to her son (my shining star),
well she got an attitude with me, got disrespectful and blurted out that she didn't need my money. To her surprise, I said fine, more for me.
We didn't talk for months.
And, very recently, I can't believe she even said this....she told me she thought that she might have been better off if we all hadn't given her so much financial support!!!!
And today, we are the closest of loving friends and allies.

One thing you can count on in life is that...things change.

And, gee, now the X-hubby is missing me. But that is too little, too late.

Uprooting my life was sad, painful, depressing....that's normal.
Seeing a counselor is helpful.
But the healing factor of time I think may be the biggest factor.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself, as you have suffered injuries and it takes time to heal and move on.

IF the sadness persists, please see a Dr and get an evaluation for depression.