FunnyOne

OK, so maybe I really feel this, or maybe I am in the bargaining phase of my grief....but I MISS MY FAMILY! I miss my life as I knew it.

Quick history...whether my 19 year old daughter "learned" that to get your way you badger, verbally and emotionally abuse, lie to, trick, and make mom think she is crazy from my AH or maybe she came by it honestly by genetics.
She is a personality clone of her dad, yet very committed to not (at this point) putting a substance in her body.

I call them both "missile instant gratifiers". When they see/know what they want there is a missile between their brain and their desire and anyone that stands in the way will get blasted. No holes barred when in pursuit.

I was always the doormat....holding firm at first and then wearing down with both of them attacking me at the same time.

Then I started working my codie steps (again since I worked them when I was first married) and I detached, began living my life, and their "antics" had little affect on me. OH MY, did the roof blow! They each self imploded.

Neither live here now. Husband went into rehab and is sober but is faking the program. Thinks divorce will make him happy even though we are in minimal contact by email. Daughter is living 700 miles away and since I was no longer shamed into being her bank roll has informed me that she no longer has use for me in her life. And it has stuck for over a month, she has gone no contact with ME!

I have had a tough weekend alone here...albeit "did" what I was supposed to do, lost my head to the earth and my gardens have never looked better, cleaned the closet, the freezer, the garage...did my steps, meditated, prayed like a fiend...but as I layed in bed both nights I sobbed that the life I always saw, with my family together through marriages, grandbabies, holidays was not to be. He was a futz, but he was the futz I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I swear I wish I would have just continued to be the sacrificial patsy I was. When my son could come home from the Navy for a brief stay and NOT have to share his time between dad's apt and our house. When my daughter shared her life (and yes her poison) with me.

I know there are probably all these wonderful promises waiting for me, but quite frankly, at 53 I really don't feel like "starting over" again.

Helllppp